Lately, life is kind of confusing. Not just my little boring life, but in general. It seems like I've been taking a step away from the actual picture and just watching from a distance. People truly are confused, and sad. They put on such happy faces during the day, trying to show people that they are okay, when their really not. It really scares me, when someone I know hides their true feelings, hides behind a happy mask they put on every morning after they wake up. I've found that I always put someone elses happiness before mine, if another person isn't happy then I get the feeling that I did somthing wrong. I know that's not right, but I don't like seeing people I care about being unhappy.
What happens when you've helped people for as long as you can remember, but then you just run out of words to say? You just stop caring. Is it bad to be selfish to a point to push your friends aside, and forget? It seems like lately everyone is just drifting away from others, most of us are feeling the same thing, but are to afraid to confront it.
Last night I went to the movies with Frannie, then we went and got some food. She asked me if I wanted to go out to eat with her, Ski, and Christina for follies. I said yes, I mean who wouldn't. I got home later that night and felt undeniably guilty. I felt as though I was abandoning my friends, since were having problems anyway. I called Olivia and I just froze up. I was terrified to tell her, I was scared that she would think I was backing out. We've always talked about traveling together when we got older, always doing everything together. And now our first follies dance I'm not even going to go with my friends. I still feel like I'm a horrible person, but I know I shouldn't.
I need to back out of everyone else's lives for a while, and take a good look at my own. Fix some of the wounds that still have not been healed. I need to learn that I can't save the world, I can't help every person I meet, but I am me, and I'm only here for a short while.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Rambeling!
What a day! Thank god we have tomorrow and monday off!
In first hour today, I'm partnered with Brent A. That kid is so dumb, well anywho, today we were suppost to present our projects, and I was all ready; you know lets go for it! I get there and the bafoon forgets to bring in the trifold board... O.O' yeah, I'm so glad hes my partner *cough**cough**gag*... Okay! the funniest thing that happened today! In my math class, Mrs. Nelson caught me trying to cheat! LOL! I looked up from my test and over Allyson's shoulder! She like came running over to me and told me I had to move my desk to the back of the room. It was pretty funny, and I didn't even get the answer. Now she like doesn't trust me, she stares at me when I'm taking quizzes and tests, then when we start homework she glares at me if I look in the back of the book.
You know I was wondering... Everyone says that when you like someone, you should tell them how you feel. But, what happens when they don't even know you exsist. No like seriously, what if they don't even know who you are, plus their an upper class men? Haha, I sound like a total loser... Do you just like walk up to them and introduce youself! Haha, that would be hilarious, walking up to someone and being like "Oh Hey! Yeah my names Hilary! I'm a freshman and you dont know me. But I know you! And you know... you're pretty hot!" Yeah, that would never happen...
It is really hard to go a whole day and not complain about somthing... Even the smallest thing I can't complain about. And when I start to I always have to catch myself... Its tough! I knew I should have picked somthing like procrastinating.... *sigh* Oh well, too late now.
Ta ^-^
In first hour today, I'm partnered with Brent A. That kid is so dumb, well anywho, today we were suppost to present our projects, and I was all ready; you know lets go for it! I get there and the bafoon forgets to bring in the trifold board... O.O' yeah, I'm so glad hes my partner *cough**cough**gag*... Okay! the funniest thing that happened today! In my math class, Mrs. Nelson caught me trying to cheat! LOL! I looked up from my test and over Allyson's shoulder! She like came running over to me and told me I had to move my desk to the back of the room. It was pretty funny, and I didn't even get the answer. Now she like doesn't trust me, she stares at me when I'm taking quizzes and tests, then when we start homework she glares at me if I look in the back of the book.
You know I was wondering... Everyone says that when you like someone, you should tell them how you feel. But, what happens when they don't even know you exsist. No like seriously, what if they don't even know who you are, plus their an upper class men? Haha, I sound like a total loser... Do you just like walk up to them and introduce youself! Haha, that would be hilarious, walking up to someone and being like "Oh Hey! Yeah my names Hilary! I'm a freshman and you dont know me. But I know you! And you know... you're pretty hot!" Yeah, that would never happen...
It is really hard to go a whole day and not complain about somthing... Even the smallest thing I can't complain about. And when I start to I always have to catch myself... Its tough! I knew I should have picked somthing like procrastinating.... *sigh* Oh well, too late now.
Ta ^-^
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
'Mighty Friendly!'
By Golly, these last few days has been loaded and loaded with lot so fun and exciting stuff...
On Monday, I don't really remember what happened at school; but I'm sure it sucked. But after school Frannie and I went to go work out, and on the way home we were laughing so hard at the dumbest things. We saw a guy with a licence plate that was some numbers the MF, and Frannie goes, "I don't think that MF stands for 'Mighty Friendly', it sound's kind of stupid but I guess you just had to be there.
I do have an update on my 'Social Life' (or whats left of it) for all you people that have nothing better to do than read my blog. Well, Olivia has finally figured out that Emily is being a bitch, or at least when there are guys or Beckie and Michelle around. Honestly I don't really care what happens to Emily and Olivia, as in if we are still going to be friends or not. I've finally come to the point where I don't need people to 'lean' on, plus I really don't want to deal with all the little issues everyone has.
Today in first hour it was the best time I've had in a while. First me and Becca ended up going to 3 different printers to find the paper she printed out, we couldn't find it; but the funniest part was when she tryed to push open the library door from the wrong side. Then we got back and were just hanging out listening to Chad's Ipod and watching him play that new nintendo touch sensative thing. Yeah, I'm so glad I have Global Studies first hour instead of last this semester.
You know, I think this is the first recent post that I have not complained in. I'm so proud of myself, I mean I easily could and keep going with my never ending of complaints; but I guess I've finally realized life is too short to sit and complain, when the people around you could be going through somthing ten times worse. So I've finally decided what I'm going to give up for lent (even though it's kind of late, but I'll just add on 6 days from when it's originally over), I'm going to give up complaining. I am just going to look on the bright side of situations, no matter how sucky or messed up they are!
On Monday, I don't really remember what happened at school; but I'm sure it sucked. But after school Frannie and I went to go work out, and on the way home we were laughing so hard at the dumbest things. We saw a guy with a licence plate that was some numbers the MF, and Frannie goes, "I don't think that MF stands for 'Mighty Friendly', it sound's kind of stupid but I guess you just had to be there.
I do have an update on my 'Social Life' (or whats left of it) for all you people that have nothing better to do than read my blog. Well, Olivia has finally figured out that Emily is being a bitch, or at least when there are guys or Beckie and Michelle around. Honestly I don't really care what happens to Emily and Olivia, as in if we are still going to be friends or not. I've finally come to the point where I don't need people to 'lean' on, plus I really don't want to deal with all the little issues everyone has.
Today in first hour it was the best time I've had in a while. First me and Becca ended up going to 3 different printers to find the paper she printed out, we couldn't find it; but the funniest part was when she tryed to push open the library door from the wrong side. Then we got back and were just hanging out listening to Chad's Ipod and watching him play that new nintendo touch sensative thing. Yeah, I'm so glad I have Global Studies first hour instead of last this semester.
You know, I think this is the first recent post that I have not complained in. I'm so proud of myself, I mean I easily could and keep going with my never ending of complaints; but I guess I've finally realized life is too short to sit and complain, when the people around you could be going through somthing ten times worse. So I've finally decided what I'm going to give up for lent (even though it's kind of late, but I'll just add on 6 days from when it's originally over), I'm going to give up complaining. I am just going to look on the bright side of situations, no matter how sucky or messed up they are!
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Social Plauge has infected me
I don't even know why I write in this thing, I mean nobody even reads it, and when someone does read it they really don't want too.
Life went from, really good, to okay, to a little shaky, to gettin bad, to ungodly bad. It may just be me complaining about my life; where if I actually take a step out of my own little mind prison, I would see things arent that bad. But at the moment, I'm not capiable of stepping out of my solitary confinement, I have been so utterly used it's unbelievable; people truly are selfish and will do whatever they can to get some of the thing's they want. How about I break it down...
My once good 'friends' are no longer considered friends in my book. I was just once their entertainment and amusment for that time being. Once they got tired of me they pretty much just dropped me, gee thanks guys. The only thing I did was help them with their little life problems, listened to them when they complained or were upset and stood by them like a good friend. Then, they fucking ignore me, act bitchy around me and really couldn't give a shit about me. Thanks to them, I now do not trust people; yes I may be taking this a little over board but I don't care at the moment.
Theres a girls that I know (no names will be said), and she is going out with this one guy. Well they've broken up twice already, the second time he quickly flocked to a quite whorish girl. Every problem they had she would come to me and ask for some of my advice. Of course I gave it to her, I mean were friends; friends listen to each other right? Wrong. I sat there and told her what he was going to do; of couse they got back together, even though I told her she should stay single for a while, or check out her options; in my opinion she's too young to put her heart out on the line for someone, who she cant see, see's her for her body and easy personality. Everything I have told that girl apparently goes in one ear and out the other. "Why don't you ask another one of your friends?" I asked her once, "Cause your the only one who listens..." Hmm, is that so?! If you want to be listened to so bad, maybe you should take some of my advice.
I'm so tired of going to school, I desperatly need a break. Yeah, I did figure it out; I'm infected with the plague. Obviously the 'Stay-away-from-me-I'm-a-loser-that-has-no-friends-and-couldnt-find-her-way-out-of-a-plastic-bag plauge' (Even though I would probably try to seal the damn plastic bag and stay there). I told my mom when we got home from the barn that I was going to go buy a plane ticket, parachute down to a forgotten island, live there with a bag full of years and years of supplies and just stay there. Of course she laughed at me, who doesn't now days, and told me I would miss everyone. HA! I would throw myself a fucking party, build a huge ass fire and dance around it like some crazy savage. Screw people, people are what hurt people and make them feel like shit, not being stranded on an island to sulk in your own plauge.
Life went from, really good, to okay, to a little shaky, to gettin bad, to ungodly bad. It may just be me complaining about my life; where if I actually take a step out of my own little mind prison, I would see things arent that bad. But at the moment, I'm not capiable of stepping out of my solitary confinement, I have been so utterly used it's unbelievable; people truly are selfish and will do whatever they can to get some of the thing's they want. How about I break it down...
My once good 'friends' are no longer considered friends in my book. I was just once their entertainment and amusment for that time being. Once they got tired of me they pretty much just dropped me, gee thanks guys. The only thing I did was help them with their little life problems, listened to them when they complained or were upset and stood by them like a good friend. Then, they fucking ignore me, act bitchy around me and really couldn't give a shit about me. Thanks to them, I now do not trust people; yes I may be taking this a little over board but I don't care at the moment.
Theres a girls that I know (no names will be said), and she is going out with this one guy. Well they've broken up twice already, the second time he quickly flocked to a quite whorish girl. Every problem they had she would come to me and ask for some of my advice. Of course I gave it to her, I mean were friends; friends listen to each other right? Wrong. I sat there and told her what he was going to do; of couse they got back together, even though I told her she should stay single for a while, or check out her options; in my opinion she's too young to put her heart out on the line for someone, who she cant see, see's her for her body and easy personality. Everything I have told that girl apparently goes in one ear and out the other. "Why don't you ask another one of your friends?" I asked her once, "Cause your the only one who listens..." Hmm, is that so?! If you want to be listened to so bad, maybe you should take some of my advice.
I'm so tired of going to school, I desperatly need a break. Yeah, I did figure it out; I'm infected with the plague. Obviously the 'Stay-away-from-me-I'm-a-loser-that-has-no-friends-and-couldnt-find-her-way-out-of-a-plastic-bag plauge' (Even though I would probably try to seal the damn plastic bag and stay there). I told my mom when we got home from the barn that I was going to go buy a plane ticket, parachute down to a forgotten island, live there with a bag full of years and years of supplies and just stay there. Of course she laughed at me, who doesn't now days, and told me I would miss everyone. HA! I would throw myself a fucking party, build a huge ass fire and dance around it like some crazy savage. Screw people, people are what hurt people and make them feel like shit, not being stranded on an island to sulk in your own plauge.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Non-social loser >.<
The last few days have been pretty packed. I say that, yet I find myself sitting here typing this.
This week started out normal as usual. Yesterday was my first day back after being sick for about a week. I get to school and I see Emily walking up to the school and I run up behind her and push on the back of her backpack. Well.. apparently I did somthing 'earlier' that pissed her off, cause she just completley ignored me. I think she said two words to me that morning. I don't understand what's going on with people latley, they've all got it on their minds that their better than other people, people they've been friends with for a while, and decide to ignore them. I hate drama, I honestly do; and in the past two days that's all that there has been and it's really annoying.
This morning, Emily didn't talk to me, she said a few things but I didn't understand them because she was walking away from me at the time. Olivia and I didn't really talk either. Yeah, I've become the non-social loser. I don't know if it's me that is making these people not talk to me; like I'm infected with the plauge or their all just pmsing. I'm so tired of it, I would just rather sit in the art room all day, or at home reading a book.
This morning when I was walking to the bus stop, I passed by a man and his dog, the first thing he said to me was "Good morning" of course I said it back to him. The weird thing was, that actually ment somthing to me; never have I had someone say that to me and actually have me thinking it is a good day, and it's good to be alive. I couldn't understand why this one man, someone whom I had never seen in my life had had such an impact on me. I had to just smile to myself, because even though it was cloudy and rainy, and my friend's are completley ignoring me; it was a good morning and it was a good day.
When I was at 4-H tonight, Katie said tomorrow is the first day of lent. I was thinking about that on the way home. I wonder what I should give up; maybe I should give up socializing, seeing how it aint working for me at the moment. Or I could give up sweets, or give up procrastination (if that counts...). I think I'll probably have to sleep on it and think about it tomorrow.
Well, I'm pretty much done for tonight, I've got a bunch of homework I got to do before I go read some of my new book that just came in! Adios for now!
..:: Sheryll, your in my prayers; stay safe <3 ::..
This week started out normal as usual. Yesterday was my first day back after being sick for about a week. I get to school and I see Emily walking up to the school and I run up behind her and push on the back of her backpack. Well.. apparently I did somthing 'earlier' that pissed her off, cause she just completley ignored me. I think she said two words to me that morning. I don't understand what's going on with people latley, they've all got it on their minds that their better than other people, people they've been friends with for a while, and decide to ignore them. I hate drama, I honestly do; and in the past two days that's all that there has been and it's really annoying.
This morning, Emily didn't talk to me, she said a few things but I didn't understand them because she was walking away from me at the time. Olivia and I didn't really talk either. Yeah, I've become the non-social loser. I don't know if it's me that is making these people not talk to me; like I'm infected with the plauge or their all just pmsing. I'm so tired of it, I would just rather sit in the art room all day, or at home reading a book.
This morning when I was walking to the bus stop, I passed by a man and his dog, the first thing he said to me was "Good morning" of course I said it back to him. The weird thing was, that actually ment somthing to me; never have I had someone say that to me and actually have me thinking it is a good day, and it's good to be alive. I couldn't understand why this one man, someone whom I had never seen in my life had had such an impact on me. I had to just smile to myself, because even though it was cloudy and rainy, and my friend's are completley ignoring me; it was a good morning and it was a good day.
When I was at 4-H tonight, Katie said tomorrow is the first day of lent. I was thinking about that on the way home. I wonder what I should give up; maybe I should give up socializing, seeing how it aint working for me at the moment. Or I could give up sweets, or give up procrastination (if that counts...). I think I'll probably have to sleep on it and think about it tomorrow.
Well, I'm pretty much done for tonight, I've got a bunch of homework I got to do before I go read some of my new book that just came in! Adios for now!
..:: Sheryll, your in my prayers; stay safe <3 ::..
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Does everyone have a fate in life?
Wow, I havn't updated in like a lonnnng time... Yeah, nothing very exciting has happened. My life went from busy, to sort of busy, to a lot of free time, to sitting on the couch by myself on weekends *sigh*.
It really started the week of finals, which was like a while ago. Anyway, my friend's have sorta kicked me out of the 'group', why? its beyond me. See I sit with them at lunch and we have a lot of the same classes, but haha they never call me anymore. I never call them, but I don't care. Me and Jamie have gotten to be pretty good friends. I dunno what's going on right now though... highschool is just way to dramatic.
My GPA is 3.88 Weee!! All of my 'hard work' actually payed off! Yeah, my parents were laughing at me, saying I should try harder. Is it actually possible to have your parents think you're a loser?
This weekend I get to go to a monster truck rally. I'm excited for it, I just hope I will be feeling better by the time I get to go. I played sick last week, but it came back and bit me in the ass with a hellish flu. This afternoon I was suppost to go to Kerry's with Olivia to work on our Island. But Olivia kept making sarcastic remarks about her not wanting to get sick, and since were working with food; I shouldn't be there, I might infect it... Gee, Thanks that really make me feel a lot better about myself.
I was thinking about it today... If you had the opportutnity to get/do somthing you wanted, like somthing you've always wanted but knew you would probably Never get it; would you give up somthing really important to you? For example, becoming famous and making millions and millions of dollars with what you do, but to then lose somebody you fell in love with, and knew that was the 'Right One' and not having the opportunity to ever get them back. Is it possible to make a wrong decidion and miss your fate?
Yeah Yeah, enough with my rambeling...
TaTa for now ^_^!
It really started the week of finals, which was like a while ago. Anyway, my friend's have sorta kicked me out of the 'group', why? its beyond me. See I sit with them at lunch and we have a lot of the same classes, but haha they never call me anymore. I never call them, but I don't care. Me and Jamie have gotten to be pretty good friends. I dunno what's going on right now though... highschool is just way to dramatic.
My GPA is 3.88 Weee!! All of my 'hard work' actually payed off! Yeah, my parents were laughing at me, saying I should try harder. Is it actually possible to have your parents think you're a loser?
This weekend I get to go to a monster truck rally. I'm excited for it, I just hope I will be feeling better by the time I get to go. I played sick last week, but it came back and bit me in the ass with a hellish flu. This afternoon I was suppost to go to Kerry's with Olivia to work on our Island. But Olivia kept making sarcastic remarks about her not wanting to get sick, and since were working with food; I shouldn't be there, I might infect it... Gee, Thanks that really make me feel a lot better about myself.
I was thinking about it today... If you had the opportutnity to get/do somthing you wanted, like somthing you've always wanted but knew you would probably Never get it; would you give up somthing really important to you? For example, becoming famous and making millions and millions of dollars with what you do, but to then lose somebody you fell in love with, and knew that was the 'Right One' and not having the opportunity to ever get them back. Is it possible to make a wrong decidion and miss your fate?
Yeah Yeah, enough with my rambeling...
TaTa for now ^_^!
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