Whats happening to me?

I finally have some time to update. Things have been really busy, and I'm glad it is all going to end soon. Lately I've been having a hard time dealing with a lot of things. I noticed I have been having horrible mood swings. One minute I will be fine, happy and normal. Then sad, and depressed for no reason. I can't talk to my parents, mainly my dad, without out getting bitchy or angry. I can't talk to my friends without getting annoyed quickly. If I see somthing I didn't want to, I get jealous then mean. Followed by another wave of depression. I become witty and snotty one second; naive and clumsy the next. I don't know what's happening, but it's scaring me. I can't focus in school anymore, and its only the second day of second semester. I don't want to go to school, even more so than before. I can't hold a conversation with someone without drifting away. I don't know who I am anymore! Everything is so confusing, I wake up in the morning and constantly wish I could just stay there.

I am so frusterated with my dad. Ever since he set his mind to selling his stupid guns, he is constantly sitting on the computer. This room used to be one of the only rooms that didn't smell like smoke. Now the entire room smells. There are ashes all over the desk. It's absolutly disgusting. I finally got to come home today after school, and I was planning on doing homework from today. I did one class. I love the fact that when HE needs help on the computer I have to rush in, and figure out the problem. Where is my big brother? I don't know. I havn't seen him in days. So I am stuck helping dad. Oh yeah, Leo was over here today with him too. I got impatient with dad and he had the nerve to yell at me for being rude. One day I am just going to snap, and scream at him. Tell him all the things I've wanted to tell him since as long as I can remember. Tell him how selfish, and rude, and how much of a complete asshole he is. Somedays I wish he would just go to New Orleans. We are almost in the fucking poor house because he won't go get a job! He sits on the computer ALL DAY! I HAVN'T SEEN HIM MOVE AT ALL! I'm going to have a breakdown. I got a 2.5 in Physical Science and I'm going to get yelled at. I'm going to get my ass chewed out badly, and get told how much of a failure I am; how much of a dissapointment I am to the family, and how I don't deserve anything I have worked so hard to get.

But does anyone notice? But does anyone care?

And if I had the guts to put this to my head...

But would anything matter if I'm already dead?

And should I be shocked now by the last thing you said?

Before I pull this trigger, Your eyes vacant and stained...

I think I'm just going to stop there. Or this will become a 400 page post.

Ciao.

Eric Bana in a man thong. Thats right. Get excited.

Ugh... I'm so tired right now, but I don't want to go to bed. Because going to bed would mean falling asleep. Falling asleep would mean ending today, and beginning tomorrow. I don't want today to end, because theres just tomorrow...

This weekend was a blast. Friday night Jess and I went to go see The Chronicles of Narnia. I thought it was a really awesome movie. Like Jess said in her blog, it was a real escape from reality for a while. When the movie was over, I almost made that 'wish' that I lived in Narnia. It's funny how easily it creeps up on you without you even knowing. Anyway, I still say that the faun (sp?) and Lucy toatlly hooked up in the end.

Car ride home was fun. We talked about Eric Bana, who had 3 nipples, 3 belly buttons, 14 fingers on each hand, a peg leg, and wearing a man thong. Joy ^.~

After the movie we went back to her house, and watched Jay Leno, who had Jake Gyllanhall, and Seether! Then we both passed out around one, just to be woken up by my phone at 6:30. The next morning we went to the car show in Detroit. All I have to say is, I want a Ford GTO. Or, a Super Chief. Most amazing truck I have EVER seen in my entire life! Mini bar, and big TV's for each of the damn lazy boys in the back seat!

Haha. I saw Canada.

Today Jess and I cleaned the barn. Which took five hours. Then Kim talked for another hour. It was so freezing, I think my entire body went numb after a while. It's funny, everytime we work together no matter how many times we see each other we always end up stopping and talking for an hour. Oh well, I'm getting payed for it!

Well I have to do another fucking 'search' for my dad. So I think I'm going to do that real fast then head to bed.

<3 Hil.

Why can't I just let go?

Today is the last day of finals. My last day of Internet Web Design.

Lately I've had a lot on my mind. Everything is so scrambled up, and I feel like nobody really wants to listen. I hate keeping things to myself because in the end everything always seems to build up.

Once again I am in the same boat as before. The other night I just continued to ask myself, why? Why is it I keep thinking about these things? Why can't I just move on and forget? I tried. I forgot. I let go. With just one smile, it all came back. I hate how easily he makes my walls crumble. The walls it took me so long to build up, and keep closed. Clitche I know, but thats basically what happened. How can I just let go? Let go of what will never be there, or never could be. I hate this feeling. Longing, and hope. It so pointless to think about, but I can't get it out of my mind.

I was thinking earlier; what would I wish for if I could have one wish. Any wish that I wanted. What would I wish for? True love? Money? Peace? Immortality? To live in a fairy tale? When I acutally thought about it, I couldn't come up with a wish. It makes me think about how many times I've said "I wish" but not really mean it. Where if I had that one wish, I would have wasted it on somthing so meaningless.

Just some depressing thinking. I've had those on my mind for a while.

Ciao.

Blah. Monday.

Monday once again. I really am not a fan of Mondays...

Final are coming up! I'm ready for all of them but one. Which reminds me, I need to study vocab. tonight for history. Physical science is going to be my hardest, cause I didn't learn ANYTHING.

Things have been good lately. Surprisingly. I'm not a emotional wreck like I usually am around this time of year. It's just nice not having to think of all the negative things. I'm trying to take this all in now, because I know soon things are going to get worse. My mom is thinking about getting another job, because we have no money. Dad is a fucking lazy ass jerk who sits on the computer all day, then when I'm in the middle of somthing asks ME to do a fucking search for him. Asshole. He needs to find another job, I love when he makes fun of guys that don't have jobs. Saying they are lazy and whatever. But isn't that the same damn thing you're doing now?!

I just want to help, but no matter what I would do I will only just get in the way.

I learned somthing the other day. I don't have many friends my own age. I mean, there are some that I would actually call when I get out of High School. The rest I will never talk to again. I really don't know what makes them so different from me, there are just times when I can NOT stand them. I would rather graduate early then with my class.

Look what Kerry made =D

What should I be MADE into?

I finally decided to update!

Well, over the last few days of break I hung out with Jessica a lot. We cleaned the barn AND built a 6 foot snow man! How awesome is that? I will tell you- Too awesome.

New Years was fun, I finally gave in to go to Kerry's house. I was really tired so right after 12, I went home.

School started back up. Wasn't excited about that. Finals are next week. Oh boy.

Going to the movies tonight with Matt, his girlfriend, Ski, and Brandon. Should be fun. I don't look the greatest, but I don't care. Actually thats a lie, I am going to go make myself pretty right after I am done writing this.

Not much else is going on.

MTV's show MADE is coming to our school. I don't know what I want to be made into. I don't even know if I want to take the interview. I don't want the whole nation seeing my fat ass on tv!

Well, I'm off to make myself beautius.

Ciao.