So today was the funeral. I can't really put it all into words... except how much I am going to miss my aunt. I'm going to miss getting to know her all over again. Miss knowing her when she was finally happy. Miss the woman she had always wanted to become. The service was very emotional, and the after feeling is really upsetting.
When I got home all of it sunk in and now I'm stuck feeling sick. Sick and emotional; emotional and upset. I need a shoulder to lean at the moment, but I can't seem to find any. I can't help but wanting to be selfish and have somebody say, "I'm sorry," and try to make me feel better. I want someone to help me right now. I want that person to lean on. But of course, I have no one. It upsets me more to know there is no one I want to lean on.
Tonight I want to cry. Tonight I want to crawl into bed, and just die. I don't want the world to see me, and I don't want them to hear me. I just want to be alone. Just alone.
R.I.P. Mary Beth Flayer. You will be missed.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Waiting for Friday.
This last week has been so crazy. Friday-Sunday was the horse shows. We got down there on Friday (obviously) and mom and I bathed Nightingale, banded, and set everything up. Saturday was the Well Dunn open show. I signed up for four classes, English equitation and pleasure, as well as Western Horsemanship and pleasure. The show started at 8 am, well by the time I did my second ride, English pleasure, it was 6 pm. It was the slowest show I had ever been to in my entire life. I didn't even do my western rides because I wasnted to go to Karlie's open house. In that show I only got a 6th in my English equ. I thought it was really good though because this year was my first year riding senior, and I had 11 others in my class.
On Sunday, the first 4-H achievement day, Nightingale and I did really well. We did showmanship, completley screwed up the pattern because I followed the girl ahead of me, but took first! English equ. placed second. English pleasure, third. Then my western classes were a complete joke. Nightingale twisted her bit in the pleasure class, so I had to jump down and fix it. Trail was really fun though. I had to go through a rope gate without dropping the rope. Nightingale was afraid of it, so kept twisting around and I almost dropped the rope when she decided she didn't want to go through it and kept walking forward. My arm was twisted around my body, but I held onto it! The judge laughed at me. :)
Also this weekend I found out my Aunt Mary Beth was killed in a motorcycle accident. So tomorrow we are going to the funeral.
Then on Monday I started my new job. I had to get up at 5:30 to go feed Frannie's horses. The night before I had told Brie everything that was giong on, and she thought I was going to kill myself trying to do everything. So she kept saying she was going to come over to my house at 5:30 and go with me to help with the horses. I didn't actually think she would though! I woke up at 5:30, and didn't see her outside. I figured she was sleeping. So I went and got ready, and walked out the door. She JUMPS out of the bushes in shorts and a tank top. I just kind of stared at her. She ran all the way to my house at 5:30 in the morning. What a crazy person.
So back to my new job. I got home and got ready and basically felt like shit. Drove to Panera's (sp?) and got a muffy. Drove to work. I did so much yesterday, and I was exhausted when I got home. A girl named Jayne basically tells me what to do. Shes really funny, she made the day go a lot faster. Mary is really nice, as well as Mark, Tina and Ting. AND! for 7 hours working I made $48. w00t! (I only make $6.50 and hour >:P).
So yeah... that was my weekend. This is ging to be such a long week. I cannont wait until Friday when I get to go up north. I'm looking forward to the beach and the sun and not doing ANYTHING!
Haha right now I'm watching the 3 Voss boys work out across the street. They are such meat heads. Lmao. They want to become ministers. Big burly manly ministers. SPOT ME JESUS!
Ciao.
On Sunday, the first 4-H achievement day, Nightingale and I did really well. We did showmanship, completley screwed up the pattern because I followed the girl ahead of me, but took first! English equ. placed second. English pleasure, third. Then my western classes were a complete joke. Nightingale twisted her bit in the pleasure class, so I had to jump down and fix it. Trail was really fun though. I had to go through a rope gate without dropping the rope. Nightingale was afraid of it, so kept twisting around and I almost dropped the rope when she decided she didn't want to go through it and kept walking forward. My arm was twisted around my body, but I held onto it! The judge laughed at me. :)
Also this weekend I found out my Aunt Mary Beth was killed in a motorcycle accident. So tomorrow we are going to the funeral.
Then on Monday I started my new job. I had to get up at 5:30 to go feed Frannie's horses. The night before I had told Brie everything that was giong on, and she thought I was going to kill myself trying to do everything. So she kept saying she was going to come over to my house at 5:30 and go with me to help with the horses. I didn't actually think she would though! I woke up at 5:30, and didn't see her outside. I figured she was sleeping. So I went and got ready, and walked out the door. She JUMPS out of the bushes in shorts and a tank top. I just kind of stared at her. She ran all the way to my house at 5:30 in the morning. What a crazy person.
So back to my new job. I got home and got ready and basically felt like shit. Drove to Panera's (sp?) and got a muffy. Drove to work. I did so much yesterday, and I was exhausted when I got home. A girl named Jayne basically tells me what to do. Shes really funny, she made the day go a lot faster. Mary is really nice, as well as Mark, Tina and Ting. AND! for 7 hours working I made $48. w00t! (I only make $6.50 and hour >:P).
So yeah... that was my weekend. This is ging to be such a long week. I cannont wait until Friday when I get to go up north. I'm looking forward to the beach and the sun and not doing ANYTHING!
Haha right now I'm watching the 3 Voss boys work out across the street. They are such meat heads. Lmao. They want to become ministers. Big burly manly ministers. SPOT ME JESUS!
Ciao.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Yay... or... Boo?
Yay for the horse show this weekend.
Boo for Rachel not being there.
Yay for dad not staying in the trailor.
Boo for having to sleep on the bunk.
Yay for getting a job!
Boo for only working 3 days a week.
Yay for making $.50 more than my last job.
Yay for being able to eat lunch with Karlie.
Yay for getting to work with Kari.
Yay for going up north in a week.
Yay for going to common grounds on the 14th.
YAY FOR SUMMER!
Boo for Rachel not being there.
Yay for dad not staying in the trailor.
Boo for having to sleep on the bunk.
Yay for getting a job!
Boo for only working 3 days a week.
Yay for making $.50 more than my last job.
Yay for being able to eat lunch with Karlie.
Yay for getting to work with Kari.
Yay for going up north in a week.
Yay for going to common grounds on the 14th.
YAY FOR SUMMER!
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
A Fried Summer Mind.
So once again I have nothing better to do and decided to update. There hasn't been much going on lately. I've been hanging out with Brie a lot, which has been toatlly awesome! We went shopping the other day, and didn't get home until around 11. We also went to go see Nacho Libre, which was really funny. My mom keeps telling me I should call her cousin Kari and talk to her about everything, but I don't want to now. Everything is how it was before; we get along and we have fun together. I don't want to mess it up, not after it took so long to get where we are now. We are going up north next week to her grandparents house. Part of me wants to, but then the other part is screaming at me not to go. I hate her grandparents, as well as her aunt. But Brie's mom, Linda, said we could just get away from them and go onto the jet skis. I'm really excited because I've never been on one before.
So I started running, and I can really notice a difference. My legs are a lot firmer and I might actually be able to wear a bathing suit without making people gouge their eyes out. When Brie and I went shopping I got a really nice one, the top looks awesome. The bottom-- not so much. I have the ugliest legs EVER! I told her I was going to just wear the top, and swim in jeans. How cool would I look? Anyway, I'm a lot happier now that I'm finally getting healthy.
This weekend show season starts for me. I took the state show test last night, and at first I though I was screwed because I didn't look over anything. I was going to wing it. I got in there, and this test was one of the easiest things I have ever taken. If only my physical science test was like that!
Which I definitely passed the class with a 2.5! w00t! GO ME!
Anyway I trailor down on Friday. I'm kind of excited, but not really. Rachel isn't going to be there, so I am going to be a loner. No Ipod, no Rachel, no fun.
Hmm... there was a lot I had wanted to post, but I don't remember any of it. Summer has taken away my mind. I love it. So now I'm just going to sit here, and listen to AFI. Brie and I got their new cd the other day, and I can't stop listening to it. Which by the way... Jade is really really hot.
Ciao.
So I started running, and I can really notice a difference. My legs are a lot firmer and I might actually be able to wear a bathing suit without making people gouge their eyes out. When Brie and I went shopping I got a really nice one, the top looks awesome. The bottom-- not so much. I have the ugliest legs EVER! I told her I was going to just wear the top, and swim in jeans. How cool would I look? Anyway, I'm a lot happier now that I'm finally getting healthy.
This weekend show season starts for me. I took the state show test last night, and at first I though I was screwed because I didn't look over anything. I was going to wing it. I got in there, and this test was one of the easiest things I have ever taken. If only my physical science test was like that!
Which I definitely passed the class with a 2.5! w00t! GO ME!
Anyway I trailor down on Friday. I'm kind of excited, but not really. Rachel isn't going to be there, so I am going to be a loner. No Ipod, no Rachel, no fun.
Hmm... there was a lot I had wanted to post, but I don't remember any of it. Summer has taken away my mind. I love it. So now I'm just going to sit here, and listen to AFI. Brie and I got their new cd the other day, and I can't stop listening to it. Which by the way... Jade is really really hot.
Ciao.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
'Kill the part of me that does nothing but dream.'
I am so frustrated with everything right now, and I don't know the reasons for some of the things.
Brie and I got into another fight last night, surprise, and I have yet to talk to her. I'm at a complete loss of what to even say, or do, to help her with anything. I don't know whats real or a lie when it comes to her now days. Did what she say really happen? Then why doesn't Kari know? But I thought she said Kari knew..? What about Kari's fiance? Does he know? She said he did. Why doesn't anything make sense anymore?! I've got this huge cloudy area in my head that is just a blur of everything all at once. I am so confused and I have no idea what to do.
That whole last post about Kerry was really random when I looked back on it. I really have no idea where any of that came from. I said a lot of things that I didn't mean, and I was being a coward and blaming things on other people. I know Kerry reads this, and if you read this one, I'm sorry. I hope you're having a good time in Texas and everything with Fred is great. With everything that you've gone through I don't want to start anything that doesn't need to start to begin with.
Also I would just like to tell people who leave me random, pointless, annoying comments to stop. I don't know who you are, I don't care what you have to say, and I couldn't give a rats ass what your opinion is. Thanks ;)
The summers starting out great. Wouldn't you say?
Saturday, June 10, 2006
So summer is finally here as of thursday. To be honest I don't really know if I'm happy about it, or upset.
Right now all I know is that I am not a very happy Hilary. I am really irritated with a few of my friends. Kerry started going out with Fred, and it really upsets me. I don't know why it does so much but it does! I hate how she runs around acting like she is the ugliest thing on the planet and how fat she is and blah blah. She makes comments about being fat and I cannot stand it! She calls me and tells me shes so confused, and she doesn't know whats going on and she has no idea what to do.
1) I don't care about your 3 boy love triangle
2) I hate when you try to make me feel better about something by saying something about yourself
3) We aren't as good of friends as we used to be ever since you got a boyfriend
I hate always being second. I'm second or less for everybody. I wish Jessica was home because she is my best friend by far. Even if she did get a boyfriend, she would still always make time for me.
What am I complaining about? I should be happy my friend's got a boyfriend. Well. Here's me being happy for you.
Goodluck with everything. I quit.
Right now all I know is that I am not a very happy Hilary. I am really irritated with a few of my friends. Kerry started going out with Fred, and it really upsets me. I don't know why it does so much but it does! I hate how she runs around acting like she is the ugliest thing on the planet and how fat she is and blah blah. She makes comments about being fat and I cannot stand it! She calls me and tells me shes so confused, and she doesn't know whats going on and she has no idea what to do.
1) I don't care about your 3 boy love triangle
2) I hate when you try to make me feel better about something by saying something about yourself
3) We aren't as good of friends as we used to be ever since you got a boyfriend
I hate always being second. I'm second or less for everybody. I wish Jessica was home because she is my best friend by far. Even if she did get a boyfriend, she would still always make time for me.
What am I complaining about? I should be happy my friend's got a boyfriend. Well. Here's me being happy for you.
Goodluck with everything. I quit.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Finally! Home Alone! YES!
So finally I actually have the time, and computer, to update. Everything is really stressful, and school is almost over. Yesterday was the seniors last day, I was surprised I wasn't a bit more sad. Everything seems about 20 times slower than before. Just four day! FOUR! 1-2-3-4! I am so ready for summer. I am ready to sleep in, and come and go as I please. Four... horribly... long... days....
So, my dad's friend/employee, Leo is currently staying with us. The barn lost electricity because they electric company finally decided to come out and look at the meter after two years. Well, now they owe $10,000. Who has that kind of money? Seriously, nobody can just whip that out of their back pocket at this point in time. On tuesday Leo was taken to jail. This came as a HUGE shock to me because my grandparents came up to see us for our concert. The reason was he hasn't been paying for child support. Oops. I also found out he has two other kids, making a total of four. Hmm...
It is really annoying having so many people here all the time. I can never get on the computer now that our PC got fried from the storm. But that is coming home today. Dad is constantly on the computer, and now that Leo is staying in here it is kind of awkward to just barg in and jump on the computer. Mom is really stressed and I don't really blame her. It's like having three kids, not counting me because I can take care of myself more or less. Two of which are constantly bickering and gossiping about the barn. I swear they are worse than two old women.
So I am definitely running solo for a while. Frannie is in New York for a horse show. Jessica is still in Germany. I don't really know what Kerry is up to these days, and Brie and I got into a fight which I originally started because I'm tired of listening to her cry and whine and be depressed all the time for no reason. She get so upset about this stupid druggie kid that she kissed once. Well at first she was just wishing he would leave and never come back. Long and behold she got her wish; he dropped out of school. Now she is perfectly fine at times, then... BAM, whiny/depressed/annoying in about two seconds tops. Like the other night we went to Lisa's party and hung out all afternoon. Then when I was taking her home she almost started crying, I was like WTF?! Then we got into a huge argument, and surprise! She turned into an emo. Whatever I am so tired of trying to help her, and trying to always say the right thing. This whole thing is stupid, it was one kiss! ONE! She making it seem like they dated for years, and they were deeply in love but then one night she gets home and catches him cheating on her! Again. I just don't care anymore.
Ahh! I love being home by myself! I can blast music and not have to listen to people!
So, that's all that I can really think about. I suppose I am going to just kick back and savior the moment that I am going to assume will not happen for about another month.
Ciao.
So, my dad's friend/employee, Leo is currently staying with us. The barn lost electricity because they electric company finally decided to come out and look at the meter after two years. Well, now they owe $10,000. Who has that kind of money? Seriously, nobody can just whip that out of their back pocket at this point in time. On tuesday Leo was taken to jail. This came as a HUGE shock to me because my grandparents came up to see us for our concert. The reason was he hasn't been paying for child support. Oops. I also found out he has two other kids, making a total of four. Hmm...
It is really annoying having so many people here all the time. I can never get on the computer now that our PC got fried from the storm. But that is coming home today. Dad is constantly on the computer, and now that Leo is staying in here it is kind of awkward to just barg in and jump on the computer. Mom is really stressed and I don't really blame her. It's like having three kids, not counting me because I can take care of myself more or less. Two of which are constantly bickering and gossiping about the barn. I swear they are worse than two old women.
So I am definitely running solo for a while. Frannie is in New York for a horse show. Jessica is still in Germany. I don't really know what Kerry is up to these days, and Brie and I got into a fight which I originally started because I'm tired of listening to her cry and whine and be depressed all the time for no reason. She get so upset about this stupid druggie kid that she kissed once. Well at first she was just wishing he would leave and never come back. Long and behold she got her wish; he dropped out of school. Now she is perfectly fine at times, then... BAM, whiny/depressed/annoying in about two seconds tops. Like the other night we went to Lisa's party and hung out all afternoon. Then when I was taking her home she almost started crying, I was like WTF?! Then we got into a huge argument, and surprise! She turned into an emo. Whatever I am so tired of trying to help her, and trying to always say the right thing. This whole thing is stupid, it was one kiss! ONE! She making it seem like they dated for years, and they were deeply in love but then one night she gets home and catches him cheating on her! Again. I just don't care anymore.
Ahh! I love being home by myself! I can blast music and not have to listen to people!
So, that's all that I can really think about. I suppose I am going to just kick back and savior the moment that I am going to assume will not happen for about another month.
Ciao.
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