Dropping like flys

It's Wednesday. I'm so ready for this week to be over with already.

We just got off of Thanksgiving Break Monday, and it seems like we've been in school forever! I'm sitting here in 6th hour, and I already finished my half of the project. I know I'm going to have to fix some stuff later, like the "U" which is suppose to be "You" but whatever.

Yeah out at the barn has been toatlly messed up. The horses have seriously been dropping like flys. Slim, on of the MSU Polo teams horses, got really twisted up last Friday. the coach came out and gave him some drugs, then Mary heard him on the phone saying it didn't look too good. Well, they never took him to MSU, so that was really stupid. Mom had to go out Saturday morning to pull out the trailer. When Eric and I got there, they said he was going to stay in the trailer until Monday when they could take him to MSU. I freaked out, thinking he was still alive and they were going to leave him standing in there. I later found out they had put him down in the trailer. I walked over and slowly opened the side door. That was the first time I've seen an animal that big lying there dead. I remember thinking before that I was stronger than the other women there, and I wouldn't cry. I busted out into tears before it actually hit me.

Then yesterday, JD, the very first horse I ever rode, was put down. He had a complete blockage, and nobody know why. Gene thinks it might have been from getting kicked. So, when I got home, dad was talking about how maybe Gene washed out the trailer because it wasn't parked where it usually goes. Yup, found out Andy took JD to MSU.

Oh and Melody, Andy and Kellys horse, some how died as well. All in this last week. Everything is so messed up.

Class is almost over, I'm sure since I'll probably have nothing to do tomorrow I will update again.

Ciao

SOO MUCH ENERGY!

It is 1:18. Where should I be? School. But I'm not. Here I am, at home, slowly getting better from my sickness.

You know, I was thinking. I miss a lot of school from being sick, or just skipping. If I added up all the days I missed it would probably equal a whole quarter of school. Ha. Go me. I hate going to school, I think thats why I always get sick because I don't fight it off. Now... that would be so much better if there was someone to talk to during the day. *Sigh* Daniel was on, but the loser said 'brb', signed off and hasn't gotten back on. Loser! Way to leave me! WAY TA GO! I talked to Nick for like... 5 minutes.

Lalala... my patience for Eric to get home is SLIMMING.... That bakamai (<-- Damn Fool. Haha I <3 Japanese) took the lap top, took my entertainment, took my life. ALL I WANT TO DO IS WATCH BLEACH! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! HE GOT EPISODE 58 LAST NIGHT! Then maybe after Bleach, play World of Warcraft. But NooooOOooo. He left it in his backback, and went off to school.

IM SO BORED!

Dad just got home. Thats grand. Cause I want to smell smoke the rest of the day. >.<

Haha. Me cranky when me sick.

GUESS WHAT! (To no one inparticular) I DOWNLOADED SONGS TODAY lol. I just got major Deja Vu. That was creepy O.o

I promise I'm not crazy by the way. I just havn't had much social contact, or sunlight, in the last 4 days. Ha. Awesome.

I DON'T LOOK LIKE A ZOMBIE ANYMORE! SCORE! Muah.

Alright. I'm done. I think I've scared you all enough.

I <3 YOU! (Not really but thats alright!)

You say...

You say I'm pretty, but not beautiful.
You say I'm nice, but not caring.
You say I'm good, but not great .
You say I'm fun, but not exciting.
You say I'm smart, but not intelligent.
You never say the things I truly want to hear.

Well it is Sunday once again. I am beginning to hate Sundays, you know why? Because Sundays are dark days. Day where there's absolutly nothing to do, where your mind wanders into places you try to forget. Or places you bury inside. Sunday always brings them back; those dark thoughts, the regrets, the what if's, everything.

Have you ever been in one of those moods where you just want to listen to those really depressing songs, and just sulk? I'm in one of those moods right now. So I'm listening to 'Forget It' by Breaking Benjamin. It's the song I always listen to when I get into moods like this. It just seems to help.

Don't mind me as I continue to switch topics.

I was talking to Matt last night. We were talking about relationships, and dating, and all that exciting stuff. Well, the conversation led to guys not liking me and so on. Well, I found out:

1) I'm a lot to handle
2) I'm loud
3) I'm Intimidating
4) I'm Intimidating cause I'm tall
5) and because I punch hard
6) I need a submissive guy
7) Guys are pansys
8) and shy

I can see why Matt thinks I need a submissive guy, I am a lot to handle. But, I don't want a submissive guy. What fun is it when you always get your way? Those stupid little fights about what movie we should go see on a Friday night gives the relationship spice. I want that one guy that is always a mystery; not somone I can read like a book. I want to get that giddy feeling in my stomach everytime I see his name on my phone for an incoming call, or when he smiles from across the room at me. Tall, dark and mysterious.

I seriously am too old for my age. I feel like a 25 year old in a 15 year olds body.

Only two days of school next week, that should be good. I'm ready for the break, it'll give me time to catch up with my emotions which are way out of the ball park right now.

I thought I would post this song, because I'm listening to it. Again, and again, and again. You get the point.

It's a crime you let it happen to me
Nevermind, I'll let it happen to you
Out of mind, forget it there's nothing to lose
But my mind and all the things I wanted

Everytime I get it I throw it away
It's a sign, I get it, I wanna stay
By the time I lose it I'm not afraid
I'm alive but I can Surely fake it

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me
You're the part of me that I don't wanna see

Forget it

There's a place I see you follow me
Just a taste of all that might come to be
I'm alone but holding breath you can breathe
To question every answer counted

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way

Forget it

It's a crime you let it happen to me
Out of mind, I love it, easy to please
Nevermind, forget it, just memories
On a page inside a spiral notebook

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way
I can live forever here

Forget it

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me
You're a part of me that I don't wanna see

I can live forever here

-Forget it, Breaking Benjamin

This post has no meaning. IT was just too fucking funny.

xXCrimsonEnvyXx: Rachel!
Chicaboom800: Hilary!
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: I have a question for you!
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: What would you do if your great aunt stuck a pineapple in her ass and danced around WalMart when you were there with your boyfriend shopping for windex?
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: ?
Chicaboom800: WTF! hahaha! well..... I'd probably pretend I wasn't related to her silly
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: Well... what if she was wearing a shirt with your face on it
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: that says IM HER AUNT on it?
Chicaboom800: I'd.......leave Walmart lol
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: What about the windex?
Chicaboom800: I'd go to Meijer instead. I never shop at WalMart anyway
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: What if Meijer was closed?
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: and you desperatly needed the windex
Chicaboom800: THAT would never happen. Meijer is open 24/7
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: but what if it got blown up
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: becuase a small child lit it on fire while playing with matches
Chicaboom800: lol well it depends what I need the windex for
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: its a life or death situation
Chicaboom800: who's dying? lol
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: um
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: you dog
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: your*
Chicaboom800: okay....then I would.....feed her banana peels instead.
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: wtf Rachel? She need windex
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: not banana peels
Chicaboom800: haha! okay okay.....I'd go to kroger.
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: What if kroger was out of windex?
Chicaboom800: don't they have off brand window cleaner?xXCrimsonEnvyXx: that doesnt matter
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: you need WINDEX
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: times running out! WHAT WOULD YOU DO?!
Chicaboom800: I would.....um!! I don't know, I'd buy the Windex at Walmart, take the pineapple out of my aunt's ass and give it to my boyfriend!
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: ROFLMAO!
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: GOOD ANSWER!
Chicaboom800: hahahaha! yes!!
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: lmao
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: that was awesome
xXCrimsonEnvyXx: Ding Ding Ding! RACHEL WINS

The best answer I got! Oh right, courtsey of Becca for coming up with the question!

I'm going to try to start trying

Yay. Sunday.

Well, this weekend has been pretty fun to say the least. Saturday morning I had to go out and work at the barn. I cleaned the small barn, while Eric and mom did big barn. It was annoying in the beginning because the JV Polo team was in there, and they really didn't know what they were doing so they were right in the way basically the entire time. They finally left, and Emily (One of the Varsity Captains) came in and was un-tacking her horse. She started talking to me about how her and Courntey were thinking about giving lessons to the people out there on how to play polo. At first they were thinking about the Pony Cult, but I told them that they were all crazy, so she decided differently. I think I've got a few people, Jessica and Rachel, but there aren't that many people out there. I'm excited to learn though I think it would be so awesome!

Saturday night I had originally planned on doing nothing, just staying home and relaxing, but Matt and Ski were basically forcing me to go bowling with everyone. I finally agreed to go, and with my pocket full of 11 dollars in cash we went bowling. There were a lot of people there, Amanda, Cliff, Becca, Crystal, Allie, Ryan, Myself, Matt, Ski, Alexa, and a few people from Amanda's old school. We had a blast, but I will just say this, never bowl 3 games. It takes forever! 1 is no problem, 2 is alright, 3 is pushing it. So Allie, Ryan and Alexa left after the 2nd game, and it was just Ski, Matt and I on our lane. Ski decided he was going to bowl the entire game. Well close to the end of it everyone had left. After we were done we ran and got some food, then they brought me home. We definitely need to do that again!

So here I am, sitting in a big sweatshirt and comfy pants. This is why I love Sundays. I probably should go out to the barn to ride Nightingale today, but it's really windy and I really don't feel like fighting her because of the wind. So, I think I will just turn on some music and zone out the world around me, until my mom comes in and tell me I have to clean my room or the bathroom or somthing I really just don't want to do.

Pc ^.~

110 Posts later

YaY! HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY BLOGGER! WOOO!

Even I scare myself sometimes.

I'm so tired of going to school, I desperatly need a break. Yeah, I did figure it out; I'm infected with the plague. Obviously the 'Stay-away-from-me-I'm-a-loser-that-has-no-friends-and-couldnt-find-her-way-out-of-a-plastic-bag plauge' (Even though I would probably try to seal the damn plastic bag and stay there). I told my mom when we got home from the barn that I was going to go buy a plane ticket, parachute down to a forgotten island, live there with a bag full of years and years of supplies and just stay there. Of course she laughed at me, who doesn't now days, and told me I would miss everyone. HA! I would throw myself a fucking party, build a huge ass fire and dance around it like some crazy savage. Screw people, people are what hurt people and make them feel like shit, not being stranded on an island to sulk in your own plauge.

My mind is a scary place. Yet, can come up with absolutly wonderful ideas ne?

Me... want... island... paradise...

Tomorrow is my 1 year anniversary with my blog. How sweet.

Just 2 and a half more years. Then high school will finally be over, and I won't have to see these people ever again.

My heart is broken... for no reason.

I’m having a hard time staying positive. Everything just seems to be going wrong, but it’s not…

My little boat of happiness is slowly sinking, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep it afloat. I’m going crazy, I have no one to talk to, and I just have the sudden urges to cry. I just feel like I’m so on the outside, and can’t get back in.

Why do people need attention? Why do we always crave that love that we can only get from one other person? I can’t deal with this teenager thing much longer. My emotions are so wired I can’t handle it.

I don’t want attention, but a part of me is desperately craving it right now. And it seems that the worst part is beginning to take over. I don’t want to go back into a depression; I won’t be able to handle it again. Not again… It’s like a deep hole, that you can’t climb your way out of. I did it once, I can’t do it again.

What happens when you just want to give up, and let it take over your life? What happens then?

I could feel his eyes staring down upon me,
so I looked up and he captured my gaze.
I don’t know how long we stayed like that,
but I wish it had been forever.

I’ll never forget the way he smiled,
the way he was smiling down at me.
It hurts so much to smile back,
to pretend everything is fine.

When in all reality,
he’s killing me inside.
He will never know how I felt
when my world went crashing down,
in just those few seconds,
when he was staring back at me.

I Love Being Me.

What is it with you guys and NOT LEAVING ME COMMENTS ANYMORE?! I feel so unloved... I guess I will just type to no one then.

Today we had a assembly, during first hour, about stress. The school had gotten a presenter named Guy Doud. When he first came out it was a little weird, I thought it was kind of a joke, but after he started talking I really just zoned into what he was saying. Everything he talked about I could relate to, and it just gave me a good feeling that I'm not the only one that has thoughts like that. He talked about his life when he was younger, and about his peers, and everything he was talking about, the embarassment, the nervousness, I could relate to. Elementary School was hard for me, because like he said, at school he learned one thing... He was fat. I remember going to school and having a hard time fitting in because I was taller and bigger than the other kids. I have always been self conscious, and thats one of the reasons I don't have a boyfriend and other things like that. I'm not secure enough with myself as a person to believe someone when they tell me I'm beautiful or pretty (which I still don't think I am).

I couldn't help but laugh at all the preppy girls around me when he was talking about self mutilation. I laugh because they are naive. And I laugh because I know that they do it too. They try to be perfect and the prettiest, (or the dumbest in some of their cases) but I think I'm finally starting to realize that everyone has their own problems as well. It really made me take a step back, and really look at them as individuals instead of just, preps.

My secret is out. Matt now knows who I am obsessing over. It feels good to finally have my secret out. I've kept that locked up for over a year and a half, and even though I told him lies in the past, he didn't laugh or get mad. I guess it felt like I had this sense of security afterwards, like I know I can trust him. Thats a good feeling.

So I guess you can tell I'm in a pretty good mood right now. I like this feeling, besides the headache, everything is perfect.

The reason it's perfect is because I have thought over a lot of things. I finally realized I have been wasting my energy on things that I didn't need to. For example, the guy I like - has a girlfriend. I have been constantly thinking about the what if's, and I'm done with it. I know that someday I will find my Prince Charming, and he will love me for me.

Knowing that.... makes me feel perfect.

Mark your confessions

[X] I'm afraid of the quiet.

[x] I am really ticklish.

[X] I'm afraid of the dark.

[x] I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night.

[ ] I am homosexual.

[x] I believe in true love.

[ ] I've run away from home.

[ ] I listen to political music.

[ ] I collect comic books.

[x] I shut others out when I'm sad.

[X ] I've stayed out all night.

[ ] I open up to others easily.

[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.

[x] I watch the news, some of the time.

[X ] I own over 5 rap CDs.

[x] I love Disney movies.

[X ] I am a sucker for brown or blue eyes.

[ ] I don't kill bugs.

[x] I curse once in awhile.

[X ] I have (had) "x"s in my screen name.

[x] I've slipped and fell in public.

[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation.

[ ] I love Spam.

[X ] I bake well.

[x] I have worn pajamas to class.

[ ] I have owned something from Abercrombie.

[x] I have a job.

[X] Talked on a phone for 5+ hours.

[ ] I love Dr. Phil

[x] I like someone. Yes.... I very much do.....

[X] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS. HaHaHaAhAhAh

[x] I am self-conscious.

[x] I love to laugh.

[X] I have tried alcohol.

[ ] I drink alcohol on a regular basis.

[ x] I have tried a cigarette.

[ ] I have smoked a pack in one day.

[ ] I loved Lord of the Flies.

[ x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.

[ ] I can't swallow pills.

[x] I have a few scars.

[ ] I've been out of this country.

[X] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.

[x] I love chocolate.

[x] I bite my nails.

[x] I am not comfortable with being me.

[X] I play computer games when I'm bored.

[ ] Gotten lost in the city.

[x] Thought of suicide before.

[x] Seen a shooting star.

[ ] Had a serious surgery.

[x] Gone out in public in your pajamas.

[ ] Have kissed a stranger.

[x] Hugged a stranger.

[ ] Been in a bloody fist fight with someone of the same sex.

[ ] Been in a fist fight.

[ ] Been arrested.

[x] Laughed and had some type of beverage come out of your nose.

[x] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.

[ ] Made out in an elevator.

[x] Swore at your parents.

[X] Kicked a guy where it hurts on purpose.

[ ] Been skydiving.

[ ] Been bungee jumping.

[X] Gotten stitches.

[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.

[x] Bitten someone.

[ ] Been to Niagara Falls.

[x] Gotten the chicken pox.

[ ] Crashed into a car.

[ ] been to Japan.

[ ] Ridden in a taxi.

[ ] Shoplifted.

[ ] Been fired.

[x] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back. =( thats how it is now

[x] Stole something from your job.

[ ] Gone on a blind date.

[x] Had a crush on a teacher/coach.

[ ] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

[ ] Been to Europe.

[ ] Slept with a co-worker.

[ ] Been married.

[ ] Gotten divorced.

[ ] Saw someone/something dying.

[ ] Driven over 400 miles in one day.

[ ] Been to Canada.

[ ] Been on a Plane.

[x] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

[ ] Thrown up in a bar.

[x] Eaten sushi.

[x] Been snowboarding.

[X] Been skiing.

[X] Been ice skating.

[x] Cried in public.

[x AS A JOKE!!] Walked purposely into traffic with your eyes closed.

[x] Liked someone even though you knew you shouldn't have.

[x] Thought of someone almost 24/7.

[x] Hates the world.

[ ]I've slept with someone on the first night.

6th hour is boring ;_;