Caution - I'm crazy.

Just three more days! Just T-H-R-E-E!

Three more days until the Big and Rich concert AND Spring Break! I cannot wait until Spring Break! It's going to be so sweet because.... I get to stay home while everyone else is leaving... That's right! I will once again be a loner. With no social contact except my brother, parents, maybe Jessica once in a while and Frannie.

School has been obnoxious. Surprise. My friends are nagging me because I told them who I 'liked' which is always a big no-no. So word has gone out, and of course. He knows. I don't know how I feel about it, because in the .000000000000001% chance he might like me back. But! Because I'm me, it won't go anywhere. Why? I'm terrified to actually let myself be liked I guess. I've never had a boyfriend, besides he probably wouldn't even like the real me. I'm a loud obnoxious tomboy that hangs out with the guys. I'm not 'girlfriend material' and I don't think I ever will be. Matt is still right, I'm way too much to handle. I will be living in my apartment, worrying about my job, and the only one that will love me is my dog (I'm not much of a trailor/cat kind of girl =P).

Three more days =(

The longest three days of my life.

The worst female ever.

So far this weekend has been really awesome; I have successfully avoided hanging out with my highschool friends, and got to hang with Frannie yesterday and Jessica tonight. I saw Failure to Launch last night and it was a really good movie. My only problem was the guy sitting next to me kept leaning closer, and closer until he was practically sitting on top of me... While he was there with his girlfriend. Good movie though, then tonight I'm going to see The Hills have Eyes. I've heard it's a pretty good movie, gory more than anything. Jessica was like the only person that would see it with me.

The MSU Hockey team won last night! They are the CCHA Champions! I wanted to go to at least one of the play-off games but I didn't have the money or the time. The had an awesome team this year though. Their goalie, Lerg, was absolutely fantastic. I bet they all got completely wasted last night after the game.

Today I went shopping! I don't normally like shopping because I can never find any clothes I like. I was complaining all the way through the store and I told my mom I must be the worst female in the world. I'm pretty happy with what I got though, I got a lot of really cute shirts.

Well, I'm off to go longe Will, and figure out somthing to do with my other horse.

Ciao.

I'm not jealous...

I'm not jealous. I'm envious.

Why am I envious? What is there I want so badly? Emily's dating Josh, Trisha's dating a kid from Haslett, Amber and the freshy Josh, Ellie and Kevin. Why do I care? Sure I'm happy for them, but then why do I feel this burning resentment? I wasn't aware of it until I saw Emily and Josh today. Now I just want to do the only thing I know how to, hide. I want to withdrawl myself from everyone, and just be alone. That's what I do, I completley close up and shut myself down. Why? I dunno, I just always have. But what I don't understand is why I'm so bitter about it all...

Maybe I am jealous. Jealous of what they have, and what I want but will never find. Could envy and jealousy lead hand in hand?

I think I am jealous. :(

Today was the first day I got to work with Will (my new horse for those of you that don't know) in a lesson, and I was completely terrified. So the plan was to longe Will first then after ending on a good note, switch over and ride Nightingale. I went walking in to the arena and two pony culters were in there and I panicked. I went walking back out and my head was just swarmed with what if's. Like, what if he hurts someone? What if Kelly doesn't like him? What if he doesn't listen to me? My stomach was knotted and I began shaking. I told my mom I didn't want to do it. There were too many people in the arena and I didn't think I would be able to hold onto him.

Main problem: I was afraid of what other people would think about him and me.

Eventually after I said a few not so nice things to my mom we got in there, and started the lesson. I borrowed Vince's longe rope, which is really wide, and hooked him up. I was listening to what my mom and Kelly were talking about, and Will freaked out and ran off. Well, me not have quick reflexes couldn't hold onto him, and the rope ripped through my hands (which really hurt btw!). THANKFULLY! He didn't run after the pony culters. I caught him, and after being scolded for not doing anything (which made me angry) we started again. Guess what?! HE CAN LONGE! W00T! I don't have to teach him from scratch! His non-racing side needs some work but that will take time.

After getting my arm wrentched off we finally switched over to Nightingale, with a whole 15 minutes left in the lesson. Kelly stayed for an extra 15 minutes, so I could at least get a half hour riding lesson on Nightingale. My ride sucked. It was windy, and nasty, and we think that Gallerie was dying (not randomly shes old and sick) and so Nightingale wouldn't pay attention to me since she could sense it. Bah!

So yes, thats really the only thing that has happened. I have a lot mixed up in my head, so I suppose when I eventually sort it all out I will post it here so I can bore the hell out of any person that reads it (granted no one reads anymore (except myself over and over again)). Well I'm off to finish my Saving Private Ryan essay. Which I put off until... uh... now. And! It's due tomorrow! My motto: Why do it now, when you can always just do it later?

Okay, I'm done.

-Hil

:(

I wrote this all at school on 3/1/06, and I just now am getting the chance to post it.

Well our school blocked blogger so I suppose I will type it on word and post it later.

This morning I woke up, and I was thinking it was going to be a pretty good day. Oh was I wrong… I woke up to a text message from Karlie, and it said a freshman named Chris Graham was killed last night in a quad accident, and she was passing it on to everyone to wear white. I didn’t really know what to think about it. So I got to school because I have an early sectional, and everything just went downhill from there. I was talking to Hannah, and I remembered him from Farside. I asked her if he was that chubbier kid, and she said yes. Right as I said that McBride comes walking in and basically scolds me for making fun of him. In what way was I making fun of him? I didn’t know the kid, that’s how I remembered him. So I got pissed of at him, and didn’t say anything to him for the entire sectional.

I went down to the dome, and noticed all my friends were silent. I just sat down, and stayed quite. I understood why no one said a word. It was just as Beckie had said… Silence is holy.

All day so far, the halls are quite. In the classes no one is saying a word. It’s eerily quite. I see people hugging in the hallway, and I see his friends crying as I walk past. Everyone is affected, not just the people that knew him. He was part of Williamston High School. It doesn’t matter where he fit in; he was part of what makes us Williamston.

At the moment I’m not talking to really any of my friends. I don’t really know why, but they were talking about feeling left out and something or other. I wanted to say, “Yeah, try feeling like that everyday of your life.” But I most definitely restrained myself from saying anything at all. Literally. I don’t want to deal with them. Not today. Maybe tomorrow.

They are all going to see Kerry in the hospital on Friday. I don’t know if I want to go because if I don’t she might not think I care. I know I should, because she’s a good friend, and I miss her. Maybe I will. I’m still not sure.

Today is also Jessica’s 21st birthday! I really wish I was more excited about it, but to tell you the truth there is just too much that is going on. Way too much to make it a good day.

Silence.

I would fall asleep

only in hopes of dreaming

that everything would be like is was before

but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting

they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor