No Smiles for Christmas

I don't think today could have gone any worse. It began this morning around 5 am, when my alarm went off for another early morning at clinical. It was a lot harder for me to get up this morning because, not only was I extremely exhausted, but I just did not want to go to clinical. I dragged myself out of bed, and got ready in time to leave at 5:45 so I could go pick up Brandi. We drove to the clinic and arrived around 6:15. Upon arriving, I realized I did not remember to grab my name tag off my desk at home. Shit. Without a name tag in the facility, I was not able to participate, and found myself sitting in my car. The black of my mascara had already begun streaming down my face as wave after wave of tears continued to hit me. Lucky me, I got to go to class instead, to face the classmates that already know I’m a failure.

I got home and walked in the door, running straight into my dad. “Happy Birthday…” I said, not even realizing how bad I actually looked. What a way to celebrate one’s birthday, eh? I changed, and dragged myself to school. I guess it didn’t really help that the entire way there I was hoping to find a patch of black ice and spin out of control, just so I didn’t have to go. When we got there, all anyone could do was stare. I was mortified. I felt like an idiot. Too bad when I got there I realized I had forgotten my skill book, meaning I couldn’t check off on any skills.

The rest of the day went by normal, since I had no choice but to be happy. It sucks when the serotonin in your brain has to be produced by a little pill, because your brain is too incompetent to do so itself. In the middle of my 4^th hour, I got a call from the place I applied for a job to yesterday. Got out in 5^th hour, and set up an interview with him. It went alright. I don’t think I got the job though, mainly because someone apparently thinks my day hasn’t been bad enough.

So here I am, sitting in my room avoiding the world—At least for another hour or so until Jessica gets off work and we can go out to dinner. I still don’t know what to get her for Christmas… or my brother, Eric, for that matter. Christmas really does suck. It sucks in the sense that it is no longer a family holiday—it’s a holiday for the spoiled and greedy. It’s the time of the year when one can ask for anything they want, and not look like a brat.

Merry Christmas… Here’s an empty bank account, a mild case of depression, a life changing decision, and a candy cane… Oh wait… I already ate that. My bad.

Ideal Mate Paper

This is my 'Ideal Mate' essay for Psychology. Felt the need to post it:

Throughout one's entire life, it seems as though they are constantly searching for that perfect soul mate. Does that perfect soul mate actually exist? I believe love doesn't just happen; love is something that has to be created and worked on. I do think it is wise to look for specific things in a mate, because Cinderella love does not happen.
In a mate I would look for someone who I can rely on. I have gone though many situations where that did not happen. I also need someone who is going to be trustworthy and honest. Being able to talk about all things is what makes the relationship stronger. I would also need a guy who is outgoing and open. I need someone who is going to laugh with me, instead of looking down his nose with a raised brow.
Another large factor in relationships is how both view the subject of religion. In an ideal situation, both people would practice the same religion, or no religion at all. In my case, my ideal mate would not practice a religion. I have never been interested, or believed, in religion. I feel as though in my life as it is now, I will make decisions on my own; I will not be told how to live my life, and what to believe in by a group of people who practice life from a book. If he were religious I would feel as though he would be preaching to me; looking down upon me and my sins.
I believe in a relationship there has to be some type of physical attraction. In my ideal mate, I would look for someone who is strong and handsome. Although in long lasting marriages, the female is older; I would like the guy to be older than me. I do request, though, that he be tall and have straight teeth. It has always just been a little requirement of mine.
Most times a divorce happens due to issues with money. I plan to get through college and hold a stable career. I think it is very important to be able to support one's self first. In an ideal mate I would look for someone who has career goals. It is very important to always want the best out of all things one would decide to do in his or her life.
Every girl dreams of her handsome prince charming at one point or another. Clitche is it not? I know I will never get a Cinderella dream, but there will be someone out there that will treat me right. Everyone has a soul mate somewhere, but it's up to them to decide if they want to work through the obstacles or not.

Taste of Life

The last year of high school really is quite stressful, when you have no idea what you're going to do once it's over. I'm on the fence, yet again, weighing my slim options. Journalism? Nursing? ...Journalism? ...Nursing? Ellie continues to inform me that I do not need to actually pick my major until my second year... but still. How did it end up like this? I was the one in my class that knew what I wanted to do before everyone else and now, six months before we graduate, I have absolutely no direction.

No money. No plan. No direction.

I told my parents I was thinking about going to Central Michigan University to study journalism. Mom told me it was my decision; a hidden look of disappointment was in her eyes. Dad basically flat out told me he didn't think it was a good idea. It's painful when your parents don't trust you to make an important decision about life. He wanted to have a "heart to heart" talk, which always consists of his own heart speaking. When I put in my heart, it's just "attitude."

Mom later told me it was because he doesn't want me moving away. I'm his little girl, and he wants me close by. Ellie told me he will eventually have to let go, just as her dad did. That makes me feel even worse.

Central Michigan for journalism?
Lansing Community College for nursing?
Michigan State University?

I wish I didn't have to pick.

--

Maybe light a candle
Don't say a prayer for me
Feel alone
Cause I'm gone
I left you
Make Christmas your own