CAR! CAR! CAR!

Woo! This weekend has pretty much just been amazing.

Saturday I had to get up at 6:30 and head to work. I don't mind getting up early for that, because I actually LIKE my job. I enjoy going there, and what's ever better is I get paid to do it! Spent a half hour there, came home and tried to fall asleep again. Didn't really work out because my brain had already turned on for the day. So I wrote another poem for our English poetry slam:

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Something, something, something,
But something, something too.

How does this poem go,
Does one actually know?
I sit and I wonder if it really does finish,
if it has an ending just as bright as it’s beginning.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Roses soon wilt; their beauty short lived,
Violets turn brown and perish to the ground.
So how could the ending be as bright,
When this ending sees no light?

Could it be possible to stay in the beginning,
To stay where the beauty began?
Where the roses stay red,
Where the violets glow blue.
Where time doesn’t matter,
Just the things you do.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
God made them pretty,
But they shall soon die too.

It's not bad, I kinda like it. After that I waited around for dad to get ready so we could go look at this '93 Cougar. Finally Dad, Leo, and I went. We test drove it, and HOLY. SHIT. That car has some power. Dad decided he was going to race.... nothing. In the end.. we BOUGHT IT! WOOOO I'VE GOT A CAR! So, I told Kerry about it, and she made me this:



Haha I know right?

This is MY car:



The difference?

Gerard Way isn't in MY car :[ Maann........

Went to Meijers with Kerry. She bought a black snail for her brother, which she named Gary.



He ended up getting into a fight with all the white snails in her brothers tank. HE DID SURVIVE! HEEEEEEEE's ALLLIIIVVEEEEEEE!

Went out later that night with Karlie, McBride, Doug and Alaina. That was fun.

Got home at 1am. Passed out.

SUNDAY WAS FUN! Mom and I went to go get a Christmas tree. Got the best damn tree on the farm!

So yeah. That was it :D

Jaa Mata.

I guess I should update my life.

I can almost TASTE Christmas vacation. It's right on the tip of my tongue.

Where oh where to begin. I'm am very happy to say that I am dropping the Career Center at the semester. It took me a little while to decide if I actually wanted to go through with it, but I've never felt so much hatrid for one place. At first I was worried that my parents were going to yet again label me as a quitter, but I think they are as happy as I am with the decision. At least I got a taste of what it would be like if I ever went into nursing (which I believe I won't). I just have 16 more days left, and I'm OUT OF THERE! I missed my 'mock' interview today. Not that I give a rats ass.

Human Bio is getting better. Slowly. I think now that I have the weight of the Career Center off my shoudlers, I can focus more on other things. I got 36/35 on my last two quizzes. THATS RIGHT! TWO EXTRA CREDIT POINTS! I was really excited.

I finally got a job! I'm working at the Animal Medical Clinic, and just love it! Olivia basically got me the job, and for that I'm grateful. I get $7.oo an hour :D. I signed up to work Christmas eve and Christmas day and I get triple time. $21/hr! I'm really excited about it.

So we are looking for a car for me, and I never realized how obnoxious of a process it was. It went from a max of $2000, then to thinking about spending $3900. It also went from "Private dealers are the best" to "We should look at dealers" back to "Private sellers have the best deals." We're looking at a '93 Mercury Cougar. At first I didn't really like it, but I think it's growing on me. I found out it have almost double the horse power of my mom's 2005 f150. Meaning: I could smoke just about everyone in the school parking lot. Dad and I are going to go drive it this Saturday, and I really hope everything goes well.

Baah. I'm am slighly confused though. My parents think I'm sick with the stomach flu, but I don't know if it's that. I missed my *ehem* three weeks ago, annnndddd I don't really know why. I KNOW I'm not pregnant, unless I'm pregnant with Jesus. I think my ovaries are rebeling. Pretty much sucks.

Jaa Mata

Happy Birthday Dad <3

www.lighttounite.com

>>>>>Light A Candle. Make A Difference.<<<<<

JUST SNOW ALREADY >8O

Boo, I woke up this morning with the hope for 6-10 inches of snow on the ground. Well! All I see are a lot of puddles, and a lot of green grass. BOO! I WANT SNOW! Christmas isn't Christmas WITHOUT SNOW!

So, Mother Nature, will you please get to it?

Thanks 8D



SEE! GREEN! LIGHT! NO WHITE!

Oh hey look, theres my dad! Haha! Aww.. I guess you can't see him. Oh well.

And yes... I took it through the window. It's still cold outside :[

{[{[{[JAA MATA!]}]}]}

25 days of Christmas has begun today. Another year is almost over. That's slightly frightening.

Today we had a snow day, although it was more of an ice day. I'm glad we did because I really didn't want to go today. After my near break down yesterday, I wasn't sure if I could have faced people. Ellie and Olivia came by yesterday to see how I was doing. I don't know why, but I felt slightly annoyed. It's not as though they did anything to upset me, but I just wanted someone to blame everything on. Everything is catching up to me again, it seems to be like this every year. I keep telling myself that I can get through it, and I'm making way too big of a deal out of it all. I know that. I've realized that. But, sometimes everything gets too hard to deal with all at once. I've turned into a person that can only take so much, and I'm near an overload. That just can't be a good sign.

I don't even have a best friend. :[ Or at least not anymore if there ever had been that time. I bet I screwed that up too. Maybe I'm just not "best friend" material. Just backround friend only.

So I still haven't found a job. Even Felpaush won't hire me. Maybe I'm filling out the applications wrong. Or I've been putting the wrong phone number everytime. I told my mom I was about ready to turn to prostitution. Not that anyone would want me anyway, but it was just a thought.

I have a feeling Christmas is going to be pretty pointless this year. I know it's not about the presents and gifts, but I would like to get SOME things. I guess I shouldn't complain, if I can't afford to buy people gifts, then why should they get me something. I was looking forward to it, but not so much now.

Break is soon. Can't wait.

{Jaa Mata}

Gackt-- Last Song
Atemonaku hitori samayoi arukitsuzuketa
Kasuka na toiki o tada shiroku somete
Utsuri kawari yuku kisetsu no sono hakanasa ni
Wake mo naku namida ga koboreta
'Ima mo aishite iru...'

Furitsuzuku kanashimi wa masshiro na yuki ni kawaru
Zutto sora o miageteta
Kono karada ga kieru mae ni ima negai ga todoku no nara
Mou ichido tsuyoku dakishimete

Wakari aenakute nandomo kizutsuketeita
Sonna toki demo itsumo yasashikute
Fui ni watasareta yubiwa ni kizamareteita
Futari no yakusoku wa kanawanai mama ni
'Ima mo oboeteiru...'

Toozakaru omoide wa itsumademo mabushi sugite
Motto soba ni itakatta
Mou nido to aenai kedo itsumo soba de sasaete kureta
Anata dake wa kawaranai de ite
Saigo ni miseta namida ga kisenakute

Kono shiroi yukitachi to issho ni kiete shimattemo
Anata no kokoro no naka ni zutto saite itai kara

Yorisotte dakiatta nukumori wa wasurenaide ne
Chigau dareka o aishitemo
Saigo ni kiita anata no koe o kono mama zutto hanasanai mama
Fukaku nemuri ni ochitai

Furitsuzuku kanashimi wa masshiro na yuki ni kawaru
Zutto sora o miageteta
Kono karada ga kieru mae ni ima negai ga todoku no nara
Mou ichido tsuyoku dakishimete
'Mou ichido tsuyoku dakishimete..'

Time

Is Christmas here yet?

Ahh! School is driving me insane! I remember at the beginning of the year, I kept thinking this was going to be one of the best years we would have in high school. That thought, or hope, has quickly become crushed. We have a year and a half left of high school. Left with the people we have grown up with for almost 12 years now. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm hella scared to leave. Not only that but I feel like my group of friends is breaking apart. I know people change, but I wanted all of us to be there when graduation came. I feel so hopeless when it comes to this, and I feel like an idiot when I think back and thought we would all still be great friends till the end. It's just like the saying goes: good things must always come to an end.

I've become so terrified of leaving high school. A year and a half. Thats it. I have no idea what I want to do; where I want to go. I haven't the slightest idea where I want life to take me. The only thing I've settled on is that I want to travel. I want to go out and see the world, and go everywhere I can. That's all I've got so far. It stresses me out, and recently it's like everyone is focusing on the future. I don't want to worry about the future, I just want to worry about now! I'm so afraid of failing, and I'm so afraid of not going anywhere in my life time. Why does it seem like I'm the only one worrying about this?

Time is scary.

Jaa Mata...

Thanksgiving Break

Booo it's Sunday. Booo we have to go back to school tomorrow. Booo for school. Booo.

Thanksgiving break was a long needed break. I loved going to bed at 2, waking up at 11. It was wonderful. I had the option all week of deciding what I wanted to do each day. Which was nothing. SURPRISE! I really had no obligations so I laid around all day.

On Thanksgiving we had a good day I guess. I was really disappointed with my dad, as usual. It just always seems that he does something to almost ruin it. Like that day, the race was more important than family. I really wonder with him sometimes; there are days that it seems as though he couldn't care less about me. Like I'm some burden he has to go around day in and day out. It hurts my feelings a lot, and it makes me feel like shit about myself. I really just started noticing this recently, but it still sucks. That and Eric wasn't even home with us. He had to go to work. We just ate, then left. Basic family holiday. It's as though none of us really seem to care.

The rest of the week I did little to nothing. Did pilates here and there. Read a couple fan fictions, finally got to talk to Dan again after 3 months. Yatta Yatta.

Brie's birthday is today! Yay! And! It was Angela's birthday yesterday! Yay! USAGIRIKU DAY! AND! It was Olivia's birthday on the 22nd! YAY!

..:..HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY BRIE!..:..
::..HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY REEkoOoO!..::
:..:HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY OLIVIA!:..:

Haha I think that's all of them.

So Brie's birthday pretty much was the highlight of the week. Kerry, Olivia, Ellie and I all went over to her house and completely trashed her room. It was very entertaining. I would post pictures... but I guess I didn't save them from Kerry. WHOOPS! Anyway, she got home today from up north and called my cell the conversation went a little like this:

*Ring Ring*

"Hello?"

"...."

"Hahaha.... Helloooo....?"

".... There's... Confetti.... in my... hair."

"... How'd you get it in your hair..?!"

"..."

"So did you like it?"

"..."

"Haha! Did you like it!? Heeelllllooooooooo!! What was your reaction!?"

".... "What. The. Fuck.""

Yes it was quite entertaining. I wish I could have been there when she walked in, but I had just gotten home from the barn and was attempting not to pass out (thats what happens when you don't eat since thanksgiving and then over heat youself).

So, that was my holiday break. Very fun. :]

Oh wait:

YAY! I GET TO TAKE JAPANESE THIS SUMMER!

Ok. Now I'm done.

(((((((Jaa Mata!)))))))

"Take a leap of faith"

Too bad I'm afraid of hitting the bottom.

1984

Every time I get on here to write something, I always find that I can never remember what I wanted to say. I always find myself thinking about what I want to say, or how I'm going to word it but when the moment arrives, I can never put anything that I actually want. I hate it. Is it because I don't have the ability to express myself in words? I always thought I did, and I always thought I did a good job at it. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this whole online journal thing since it seems to get me introuble more than anything.

So in English we're reading the book "1984" by George Orwell, and it really made me start to think. First of all the book follows the character, Winston Smith, and his life that is more or less controlled by one man also known as "Big Brother." He lives his life in a society of purity; a society that has no thoughts of its own. The people of this society, also known as the Party, is led to believe whatever Big Brother makes them believe. History is constantly rewritten, and books are constantly changed. It makes me wonder how real our own world is. How do we know what we do is real, and if it has any real purpose? It makes me wonder if we just weren't fed a bunch of lies, that some how planted themselves into our brains. Since we weren't there to see our own history, can we trust the ones before us to relay it to us truthfully? I just wonder if there is some secret veil pulled out before us, covering our eyes, hiding something someone doesn't want us to see.

Once again I feel like a little love struck puppy. I think this time though, someone needs to hit this puppy on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. I can't much help but laugh at myself for this one, he really is the "Prince Charming" kind of guy. Here I couldn't stand the kid for the longest time; wanted to smash him in the face with something everytime I heard his pre-pubescent voice behind me. I don't really get him, now that I think about it. He just kind of does his own thing. Random, yes. But... his own.

So I guess I have to go now, because Matt, Ski and McBride are being angry and want me to play Guild Wars. WELL FINE. I WILL. >:P

Ciao.

Just an update.

So I just remembered that in two days it will be mine and bloggers two year anniversary. How cute. Please, stop and leave me a loving comment.

Soooo much has happened, and I don't even remember when I last posted. Last Thursday I went to Chicago with Jessica. Let me just say, Chicago is the most amazing city ever. Although we didn't get to see very much of the city, I'm so excited now that we will be moving there in four years.

School has been a drag. I have no time to go out and see my horses, and when I do it's only long enough to clean their stalls. I have homework every night and I HATE it! But the book we are reading in English, 1984, is really good. I like it a lot. It's much more mature than the books we have been reading up till now, and for that reason I can actually get into it. Human bio-- still kicking my ass, but slightly less. FST still a waste of life, but better when I actually pay attention and do work. Career Center is just boring, and I really don't like any of the people there except a few. Autumn came back-- THANK GOD! She is like the only person that I talk to, except Crystal. Brytani and I have the chance of becoming friends. I like her, but I don't understand why she doesn't really have any friends.

Brie-- I know you read this, and I hope you choke on a pretzel. If you don't know WHY I'm mad at you, then you are an idiot. And for that reason, I don't want to even talk to you.

41. Who is your loudest friend?
she is pissed at me right now for NO REASON AT ALL!! but hilary. defenatly.

Fuck You Sweetheart.

What?! Plus size modeling? Where did THAT come from?

How far would one go to make a friend feel good about themself? Is it okay to lie to them, when you know the truth will only hurt their feelings? Are friends always telling each other the truth? If they always do, then why does it feel like mine are lying to me?

So today my mom and I were just sitting and watching TV. I was whining and complaining because my cramps are eating ulcers into the lining of my stomach, and out of the blue mom goes, "You should try plus size modeling." HUH?! Where the hell did that come from? I laughed of course, what a stupid idea. You have to be pretty to be a model, even the plus size models don't look plus size. I thought she was kidding, but apparently she wasn't. I got the whole, "Do you know what my friends say about you at work? You're so beautiful, and you're the only person who doesn't see that!"

I hate when people say that to me.

It's hard to thing of yourself as pretty or beautiful when you haven't ever been. I'm the girl that never gets a second look from anyone. The one who trys her hardest to look nice, but is never pretty enough.

I was talking to my friends about it, cause I thought they would get a good laugh out of it as well. But they all keep telling me that I should do it. Sure usually when someone says that they are just being nice because they don't want to hurt their feelings. Why can't I just trust what they say, and believe them?

I'm just afraid to be laughed at :[

What About Me

Two day's in a row, I'm seriously on a roll!

Today was, stressful. I failed my Human Bio test, by... a lot, and got really upset about it. I don't know why I was so upset because I already knew I was going to fail it. I'm a slacker, and didn't feel the need to study. Haha.. Well... BIG MISTAKE! The rest of my day was pretty shot after that because it put me into a terrible mood. I got to the Career Center with high hopes, and only to be faced with an empty chair. I was ready to go home by then. I dragged though an hour, and then at one, he came :]! I got excited...

You know when you get that little feeling in the pit of your stomach and you think your day is finally going to start looking brighter? Well... That's what I felt.

Until:

Mr. Brown (Principal.. or assistant principal... Idk) came and TOOK ME AWAY!! *Sigh* Of course. He wanted to tell Crystal and I about his meeting with creepy Webberville boy. It sounds as though the meeting went well though, but I still hate him-- just for the record. Mr Brown asked us what we thought would be a suitable punishment for him, and right then and there I discovered I could never be a teacher. I would really SUCK at punishing kids if I couldn't just reach over and smack the hell out of their bratty little mouths.

So after a half hour of boring talk (Mr. Brown has a way of repeating everything over and over again but with different words. It was rather annoying to be honest), I went back to class. Ready to be flirty and cute, I sat back down and cautiously glanced up to where he was sitting. He didn't look happy though, and he looked really hurt. I don't know why, but I never got the chance to ask him. He can't hide anything though, his GORGEOUS eyes told me everything. I felt bad, I wanted to ask and see if he was ok. DAMN MY SHYNESS! With a deep feeling of regret 2 o'clock rolled around and I slowly left... to wallow more in my self pity.

When I was leaving the school with Heidi, I saw Ryan McBride for the first time since the very first football game. It was weird seeing him in the highschool, and even more weird seeing him and knowing he was single. I didn't really get a chance to talk to him, and wish I had. I heard his laugh echo in the dome, and that really made me realize how much I missed talking to him, and seeing him everyday. It's just so weird that he's single now! Bah.

So I started listening to Keith Urban again, and it makes me remember so much. Like, freshman year when Olivia, Emily, and I always used to hang out. Haha and out Keith, Keeth and Heath beach story. Or burning everything of NM at Olivia's house. Lol Silent One, Dances with Squirrels and Wet Foot. I really thought freshman year was the worst, but after just the beginning of this year I wish I could have that year back. I wish I could go back and really enjoy those moments that I took for granted.

Trisha is right though: our group fell apart. It upsets me. Everything's changing, and it's never going to be how it used to be. I miss those old friendships, and the moments. I miss how it all used to be.

Keith Urban- What About Me

I'm livin' in a world that won't stop pullin' on me
I'm not complaining but it's true
It's like I owe my time to everyone else
'Cause that's all I seem to do

You might not notice but I need a good friend
Someone to talk to when I'm down, down, down
There's so much on my mind that I want to get out
But there's no one around

Sometimes I can't help thinkin' what about me
Some days go by that I don't even see
Yeah I'm doing everything right and I can't break free
Oh is this the way it's always gonna be
What about me

Well I'm dreamin' I'm on a highway with the windows down
I'm burnin' up the road at my own speed
But I'm stuck here goin' nowhere in this traffic jam
And there's a woman with her kids in the car next to me
And I swear she's singin'

Sometimes I can't help thinkin' what about me
Some days go by that I don't even see
Yeah I'm doing everything right and I can't break free
Is this the way it's always gonna be
Hey, what about me

Oh, sometimes I can't help thinkin' what about me
Some days go by that I don't even see
I'm doing everything right and I can't break free
Oh is this the way it's always gonna be
What about me

Happy for once.

Things are going okay, but things aren't going too great. What do you call that? Neutral? Just there? Or things are just... going? We'll go with that.

Things are just going.

At the highschool I find myself completely stressed out mainly because I feel like I don't have time to do everything I need to do in a day. Human Bio. is kicking my ass to say the least. I'm border line failing FST, and English is just annoying. I have a big test tomorrow in Human Bio. and I haven't studied at all... go me.

I have noticed something really horrible developing about myself. I'm turning into one of those girls that I just HATE! I'm constantly gossiping about people, and talking behind their backs. It's disgusting! I'm trying to watch myself and what I say around people, because that's not cool at all. I hate it when people do that to me, so what gives me the right to do it to them?

The Career Center has been... amusing-- to a point. There's this kid from Webberville and he is one creepy kid. Last Friday he was staring mindlessly down my shirt, and constantly making sexual innuendos to me. Then when we were getting off he decided he was going to ram his little duffle bag thing into my butt. I mean comon... Once is an accident. Twice begins to get awkward. Three times or more, and this kid is a pervert. THEN! Crystal and Kyle were fighting at the door, so I couldn't get in, and this kid was behind me. Any reasonable (or non-retarded) person would have STOPPED behind me... not kept going untiiiiiiil they were practically molded up from behind me.

I panicked- to say the least.

I elbowed him so incredibley hard in the stomach, and basically ran in the door behind Scott (He's in my Health Occ class-- cool kid). Throughout the class I developed an anxiety attack and got a horrible migrane and almost passed out. It wouldn't have been such a big deal if this kid wasn't so huge! He's the size of my older brother, but squished. If he wasn't the kind of kid I would be afraid of raping me in a dark alley way when I'm walking home on a cold night, I would of just called him a bitch and hit him. But... I didn't want to get shot. I swear he is going to bring a gun to school.

There is an upside to this whole Career Center thing though. I find myslef infatuated with one of my fellow classmates. He really isn't my type to begin with... kinda... but he has got the most gorgeous eyes, and when he talks to me he holds my eyes and doesn't stare at my chest. I like talking to him, a lot. Now.. if only he was taller :[ still really cute though. He overheard what Crystal and I were saying about the Webberville kid, and kept telling me he and Nate would rough him up if he didn't leave us alone. I couldn't help but smile when he said that. Haha I can't help but smile now when I think about him. I can't NOT smile when I talk to him. It's embarassing. But he's so cute!! Ahh! Infatuation. I love it.

:]

I like being happy. I think it fits me.

Ready. Set. No School?

Oh highschool. How I am so tired of you already.

Homecoming was last Saturday. I some how let my friends convince me to go, and how sorry I am that I did. Pre-dance was so much more fun than the actual dance. Trisha, Ellie, Emily, Heidi, Kait, and I all went to Bennagans for dinner and had so much fun. Our waitress brought our a bowl of cherrys after Trisha ate mine :[ Then after we were joking around and got our food, I told them all we were going to take a souvineer (sp?) home with us. Haha.. Well... On the table there was a bottle of red Faygo pop, one of the original ones that said 'Display Only.' Lets just say... WeputitintoEmily'spurseandtookitwithuswhennoonewaslooking. :]

After dinner, it was still too early to go to the dance so we got the brilliant idea... to go to Meijers! We pulled into the parking lot and walked into the store. It was so entertaining to see all the people who were staring at us. When we got inside Trisha asked one of the employees where the 'old person carts' were, and he turned really red and pointed to where they were. They went and got one, and we put Emily in it, because her knee is messed up, and walked through Meijers. Kait was the one pushing Emily, and really should never push an injured person ever again. "Oh that's cute!" *CRASH* It was really funny.

Meijer's eventually got boring, and we had a huge bag full of candy, so we decided to start making our way to the dance. Back roads, on a rainy day, with Trisha driving... are very scary. Poor Heidi had to follow her, and we all though we were going to wet ourselves from laughing so hard. Trisha apparently thought this as well, because she pulled over and ran out to pee in the middle of a corn field. Haha then she asked Heidi for something to wipe with.

The dance sucked. Really, really sucked. I had the whole night planned out in my head and nothing went the way I had imagined. Drama. Fighting. Crying. Broken Hearts. It was a nightmare. I guess that's just how it goes though, there can't just be one night that's meant for fun that doesn't turn into a disaster. If there was one thing I could have changed though, I would have asked him to dance. Maybe he would have said yes. Who knows?

So that was homecoming. Blah. Never again :[

Btw-- being a junior sucks. I HATE IT!

Ciaooooo0oo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

What else am I good for?

Homecoming. What a waste of time, and mind. Sure I want to go; what girl doesn't want to get dressed up, and get her hair and nails done? I don't have the money, nor the self confidence to go. I wanted to ask one of the new kids if he wanted to go (obviously after I summoned up some balls and talked to him). But... my clone, the one i spent my entire summer turning into what she is today, is going to ask him first. Fine go right ahead you stupid bitch. Stab your best friend in the back. Ask the kid I liked first to homecoming. I don't care anymore. You can take everything I want, and when you lose it I will be right here for you to cry to. Because what else am I good for? Obviously not good enough for a chance, or an opportunity. Everything is already falling back into place. You can take everything from me, and I just won't say a word. Sometimes I just wish I would have even the slightest chance at that one thing I want...

Lmao... Funniest thing EVER!

BigFlirt9871 (10:33:59 PM): that sucked dick!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:34:12 PM): ?
BigFlirt9871 (10:34:55 PM): i went to the game and i had to hang out with the popular people because no one else was there
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:35:08 PM): the
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:35:10 PM): whs game?
BigFlirt9871 (10:35:14 PM): yes
BigFlirt9871 (10:35:27 PM): becasue karyn is a bitch and never called me back!
BigFlirt9871 (10:35:29 PM): whore
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:35:34 PM): :[
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:35:37 PM): why didnt you call me?
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:35:41 PM): i woulda gone
BigFlirt9871 (10:36:05 PM): YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE WITH FRANNIE YOU HOE!
BigFlirt9871 (10:36:07 PM): LMAO
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:36:11 PM): no
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:36:12 PM): she called
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:36:14 PM): and said she couldnt
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:36:16 PM): do anythign
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:36:17 PM): :/
BigFlirt9871 (10:37:06 PM): UGH... so you are telling me that you could have gone to the game with me and i didnt have to hang out with popular people and have him touch me AGAIN!?!?!? you could have saved me from him!!! god hil!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:37:18 PM): lol
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:37:20 PM): shoulda called
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:37:21 PM):
BigFlirt9871 (10:38:22 PM): no YOU should have called because i did call you and you said you were with frannie... or going to be with her so i ASSUMED you were going so :p on you!
BigFlirt9871 (10:38:23 PM): lol
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:38:47 PM): lol
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:38:48 PM): well
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:38:50 PM): i ASSUMED
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:38:53 PM): you were in dandville
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:38:54 PM): er
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:38:56 PM): dansville*
BigFlirt9871 (10:39:42 PM): welllllllll we have an ESP thing going on here so YOU should have known that i wasent in dansville!!
BigFlirt9871 (10:39:50 PM): I BLAME YOU HILARY!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:39:55 PM): WHAT NO!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:40:00 PM): YOU DONT BLAME YOUR NO. 1!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:40:05 PM): YOUR NO.1 BLAMES YOU!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:40:07 PM): ITS YOUR FAULT!
BigFlirt9871 (10:40:43 PM): isnt never # 2's fult dumb ass..... FORST THE WORST SECOND THE BEST
BigFlirt9871 (10:40:46 PM): DUHHHHHHHHHHHH
BigFlirt9871 (10:41:02 PM): FIRST*
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:41:21 PM): LOL
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:41:32 PM): WHO SAID YOU WERE MY NO. 2?!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:41:41 PM): YOU COULD BE NO. 8 OR SOMETHING!
BigFlirt9871 (10:41:49 PM): I DID
BigFlirt9871 (10:42:36 PM): no i am your #1 acourding to your myspace and i will always be your 31 because I AM FUCKING AWESOME THANKS TO YOU AND YOU KNOW ITS TRUE BITCH!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:42:38 PM): xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:41:52 PM): Kevin... you're my no.1 right?
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:41:55 PM): just say yes
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:42:08 PM): JUST SAY YES BISH
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:42:12 PM): IM IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ARGUMENT!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:42:14 PM): COMON!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:42:29 PM): b4nshee06 (10:43:40 PM): yes
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:42:40 PM): HA!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:42:53 PM): LOL
BigFlirt9871 (10:43:03 PM): i thought you wernt talking to him?!
BigFlirt9871 (10:43:07 PM): loser face!!!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:43:10 PM): thats kevin
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:43:11 PM): not adam
BigFlirt9871 (10:43:19 PM): no okay goodness
BigFlirt9871 (10:43:41 PM): i am still your #1
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:44:23 PM): lol
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:44:25 PM): kevins like
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:44:26 PM): wtf
BigFlirt9871 (10:44:38 PM): lol
BigFlirt9871 (10:44:44 PM): wait for it hil!!!!!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:44:54 PM): ROFLMAO!!!!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:44:56 PM): ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:45:03 PM): LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!
BigFlirt9871 (10:45:04 PM): LMAO
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:45:05 PM): ROFLMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:45:11 PM): b4nshee06 (10:44:36 PM): BigFlirt9871: what is your problem?!?! I AM HILARYS # 1 SO BACK THE FUCK OFF!!!!!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:45:15 PM): ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BigFlirt9871 (10:45:39 PM): b4nshee06:
BigFlirt9871: you can be #2
b4nshee06: cool
b4nshee06:
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:45:58 PM): omfg im laughing so hard!
BigFlirt9871 (10:46:09 PM): lol
BigFlirt9871 (10:46:11 PM): good
BigFlirt9871 (10:46:12 PM): !!!!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:46:20 PM): LOL thats the funniest thing ever!!
xxCrimsonEnvyxx (10:46:23 PM): LMAO!

Yay! I'm a Junior!

Today was the third day of my junior year, and I'm not going to lie-- I really like my classes this year. Not only do I have friends in all of my classes, but I have sweet teachers as well. Then with only three hours at the school, I get to go to the Career Center for Health Occupations. It makes my day go a lot faster, and I'm beginning to start looking forward to going to the CC. My class at the CC is really awesome. Most of the people are really cool. I sit next to a girl named Brytani, she is the smart one. I learned more from her in the last three days than I did all summer. Meghan is another horseback rider, and I knew I had seen her at a show before. She's really funny, it took her a little while to warm up to me but she finally did. Samantha is more quiet, but always does something to make us laugh (even though she doesn't really realize it). Then the girl (I can't remember her name at the moment) that has 230 cats, and gave CPR to a mouse. Haha, she is so hilarious.

I'm really beginning to grow apart from some of my other friends though. Like Trisha, Emily and Jennifer. I never get to see them, and since I don't have them in my classes and I don't stay at the school for lunch, I never get to seem them.

Well... I don't really remember what else I was going to write. So... I will just stop :]

Ciao.

~Just think... Summer '07 isn't that far away...~

Forgive, but not Forget.

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

Summer's coming to a close, and I don't know how I feel about it. Sure, I feel like it's been completley wasted on nothing, and I could have made it much more exciting. We had orientation this morning. I enjoyed seeing everyone again, I did miss some of my friends a lot. I'm really hoping this year is going to be different for Brie. She's changed a lot over the summer, I finally got her back to the person she used to be. The drama's so last year, this year will be different.

So currently World War III is going down at my house. Dad and I got into a huge fight last night, and aren't talking to each other. It started over the stupidest thing: I wouldn't let him use MY computer to check his stupid e-mail. It's like wtf? It's mine, you don't have to use it if I don't want you to. He continues to tell me I have another thing coming, and I'm so selfish... Well you know what dad? I'm not going to fight you. You win. I'm a bitch. I'm worthless. I won't make it anywhere in life. I will always come crawling back to you, "daddy" because you know what's right, and I know nothing but the wrong. No one will want me, and I will always be alone. I'm glad you were there to tell me all of this, because without you... I would be no where. Oh, and I'm glad you didn't say anything about my hair because even though I love it so much, since you don't like it-- I don't either.

I'm confused, and I'm hurt. I just want to be loved.

Tuesday. Nothing happens on Tuesday. I skipped work this morning, because I REALLY didn't want to go. Mom was pissed at me, but whatever I don't care. The new seretary they just recently hired, Amy, was fired. I feel bad for her, she went out to buy all new clothes for this job because all she had was suits. Apparently she wasn't qualified enough for the job, and on the simpliest tasks would ask for help from Jayne. But since they fired her... I have to start working at the front desk again. The thing I hate the most at the horrid job, I have to do my last week. Bah.

So State show was this weekend. It was a complete, and utter disaster. We trailor down on Saturday night, and Nightingale was absolutely disgusting. I was embarassed to walk with her she was so dirty. Didn't leave that night until around 9:30-10. Got home, stayed up till 11. Passed out. Got up early on Sunday and drove down. I was excited when I got there because for once, in all show history, she had stayed clean. So we hang around, and the show is moving at a damn snail pace. 3-4 classes before mine I tack her up and go warm her up. She felt and looked fantastic. I was so pumped up, and I knew we would actually have a chance in these classes. With my hopes high I take her back into the barn and wait for my class. Jessica came to help support me, and I was happy she came. A class before mine, I get her back out and go to warm her up again.... to find she was lame. I couldn't believe it. She was perfectly fine going one way, but the instant you changed her bend she was off. Everything hope I had, was crushed. We wouldn't have any chance, not at this show. Jessica got on, and figured out she would limp less if I counter bent her in one difection. I tried it.. Yeah it worked, but was I going to be able to keep that up for my four classes? We went into the first class, and in my split there were 19 other riders. I think every single girl in the arena was wrenching, and pulling on their horses mouths the entire time the class went on. Then! THEY all placed! It was to most unfair judging I have ever seen in my life! I gave up and went home. Not only was I not going to have a chance the entire day if he was placing like that, but I didn't want to hurt my horse even more.

I feel like I could sleep for the entire week, and just not do anything. That's the kind of mood I'm in. I just want to hide, and be left alone :[

[[What if I wanted to fight ]]
[[Beg for the rest of my life ]]
[[What would you do? ]]
[[You say you wanted more ]]
[[What are you waiting for ]]
[[I'm not running from you]]

Ciao.

Sleeeeeeeeeepy..

It's 3:15 and I'm at work, and I'm ungodly bored. I'm lonely cause there's no one to talk to, and tired because I don't sleep at night anymore. I have and hour and 45 minutes left, but hey! Who's counting?!

So this weekend I have state show, and I really just... don't want to go. I'm tired of horse shows, it's all the same crap:

I show good
I place low

Whatever, I don't even care anymore. I feel like my entire summer has been wasted on these stupid horse shows, and this mind numbing job. I didn't get to go on any trips; I barely saw any of my friends, and I've watched more music videos on the internet than I thought was humanly possible.

Yeah well, my supervisor just walked in. I was caught. Haha oops :)

Ta.

August? Since when?

It's August. I don't remember when August came, nor do I want it to leave. When September comes school begins. I'm not looking forward to school at all. I don't want to see everyone I left behind back in June.

Hmm... Well I officially HATE my job. When I go in every other morning, I find myself wanting to shoot someone in the face. It wouldn't be so bad if they actually gave me something to do. I sit in the library all day, logging books. At least I don't have to deal with people though, that's one good thing about it. They hired a new girl, Amy. She's really nice and she answers the phones. Brian left... the one attractive male in the ENTIRE BUILDING. Yes... he left. Off to med school. I was sad when he left. It made my days a whole lot longer.

My grandma is in the hospital, and has been for the last week. She had to have surgery, and is recovering. Thankfully it wasn't horribly serious, but it still wasn't a walk through the park. Since our family is so big, the day we found out she was taken to the hospital, our phone would not stop ringing. My aunt Carol somehow got my cell phone number! I was like wtf?! She randomly called me in the middle of all this "just to talk." She annoys me badly. It wouldn't be so bad if she didn't try so hard, but when my aunt Mary-Beth died, she took it upon herself to tell everyone else in the family. My aunt Mary-Beth was the woman married to my uncle for 20 years. Whatever, I just ignore her everytime she calls.

So Jessica and I have decided we are going to go to Chicago for culinary degrees. I'm really excited, and I know she is too. Jess called the guy from the school, and he even called her back once or twice. It really impresses me that he made the initiave to call back, it makes me want to go even more.

Yeah, I just wanted to update to prove that I'm still alive. I just havn't had much time..... well... I have, I just never wanted to update.

Live it up everyone, Summer '06 is coming to an end.

Ciao <3

Common Ground

Today is Sunday! The lamest day of the week. But that's okay, because I don't have to work; don't have to go anywhere; don't have to care. So I'm sitting here in scrubs with my hair all over the place and it's 3 PM. Gotta love summer!

The week was dull, to say the least. Mon-Wed I worked. Thursday was my first day off in a long time. I slept. And I loved it. I layed around all day, until Matt called me. It appeared as though he was finally out of his mono sleeping coma, and wanted to hang out. So after a lot of arguments, we settled on Superman Returns 3D on Imax. We drove over to McBrides house to see if he wanted to go, and Allie was there. They agreed to go, and so Matt and I went to Meijer to use the coin star. I won with a total of $54.00; toatlly destroying his $30 some. Then off we went, not exactly sure of how to get to celebration. Instead of staying on 96 and getting off on the cedar street exit... we got off at Downtown Lansing. We were just looking for Lansing... well... sort of looking... We were laughing too hard to notice. I had no idea where the hell we were, so I called McBride.

"McBride I think we're a little lost..."
"Where are you guys?"
"Uh... well we're passing the Lugnutz stadium right now...."
"How the hell did you get there?!"

It was really funny, or at least for Matt and I it was. We drove through the bad part of Downtown Lansing (me freaking out the entire way through). Eventually made it back onto the highway. Then.... found ourselves on campus. Since we had missed the movie by... oh... 45 minutes-- we just went out to eat.

Friday was also a lot of fun! It was Common Grounds! I felt really bad that I basically told Brie she couldn't come, so I called her and told her we were going to Meijers to buy her a ticket. It was an interesting trip, my brothers truck hates me, so it doesn't start whenever I get into it. I hate that truck >:(

Anyway, we got the ticket, went to the mall to find Brie something to wear, went back to my house, caked on the black eyelines, and dark eye shadow. After 30 minutes we were ready! And! We looked hot! (Insert peer laughter here). I don't think I've ever had that much eye makeup on, but Brie kept telling me I should wear it like that more often. Jess finally got there, and we were off! We grabbed a taco bell, stopped at Meijers to pick up some water (that we wouldn't even be aloud to take in) and headed to Downtown Lansing! We parked at the theatre that Jess works at, and walked, in the rain, to the East Gate. We got there an hour early, and stood in line. Finally they opened the gates, and people were trying to cram themselves in. They checked everything, and Jess had to take her camera all the way back to her car because it could take video. She was pissed, but told us to go inside and wait for her to get back. So Brie and I went in, and wandered around and made our way to the East Main Stage. Haelstorm came on and we were listening to them. They were pretty good, not to mention their drummer was toatlly gorgeous. Half way through Haelstorm, Jess made it back, and we made our way to where Keith Anderson was playing. I felt really out of place, I was in all black and looked pretty emo, and all around us were hicks. Lets just say I got a lot of unfriendly stares.

Waited around, blah blah. Got hit on by a creepy guy, blah blah. Keith Anderson was late, yatta yatta.

FINALLY! He came out on stage. There was a woman behind us that was going crazy. Or.. I think she was a woman... She whipped out pictures of her and Keith, like.. A LOT of pictures. I swear a couple of those were photoshopped... Back to the story... We stayed for a couple of his songs because we wanted to get to Trapt. He sang my favorite song of his, Every Time I Hear Your Name. LOVE IT! Walked back over to the East Main Stage, and crammed our way into the crowd for Trapt. We were in the middle, and having an absolute blast. Then three guys showed up behind us, and apparently heard me say, "No standards" and kept bumping into us. By the time Trapt was over, people were pushed up next to each other, and everyone was sweating like crazy. Then! SHINEDOWN CAME OUT!!!!! Everyone went CRAZY! The three guys by us, Matt, Pat and Kyle were all over us. There was so much alcohol, and so much pot (WHICH I DIDN'T DO BTW!). It was an awesome night!

Things to Remember:
"We're just skipping over 3rd base and heading straight for home!" -Brie
The Nick May look-a-like
"I wish I was water proof like the ducks..." - Brie
The motorcycle guy flashing us his nipple
"I like your boobs." - Some guy to Jess
"I want to ask you a very personal question..." "Yeah I'll have sex with you!!" -Shinedown to the crowd/me to Shinedown
The creepy indian guy who kept saying he was going to steal my information
A very drunk Kyle groping Brie
Not telling, 25 year old Kyle, that Brie was only 15
Sounding like I had just sucked in helium walking back
The guy that hooted at us, and came around the corner for more
Trying to walk to the car with a horrible buzz

It was a great night.

Bbq Sauce anyone ;)

Ciao.

Dear Hilary,

There are some days that I just do not understand you. The days when you look in the mirror and actually think you look pretty, or the days when you think that cute guy was looking at you. You never look pretty, and he's never looking at you. Nobody looks at you, and they never will. You aren't worth anyone's time; you are nothing but a mistake. The biggest mistake that was put into this family, into this city, into this world. Get over youself-- no one will ever have you.

Just thought you should know.

The side of you that you try to hide

Eh... Nothing exciting.

So I've finally got time to update, and I thought I should eventually.

Life is good. The initial shock of losing my aunt is gone, and it's beginning to sink in. It's easier to handle now.

Work is... good. Busy more than anything. BUT! It is easier to get through the day when Brian pops in and out. Hehe. Infatuation is fun. He's cute; shy, but very cute. Too bad he's like 20 some. Then theres Shameer... absolutely hilarious. I swear he comes into work stoned. NOBODYS EYES ARE THAT RED ALL THE TIME! He makes me laugh, and I think he may have a tiny, itty-bitty crush on me.

Hmm.. Jess is back from Germany! YAY! I GET MY IPOD BACK!

Up North with Brie was fun. We got into a lot of trouble. Muaha.

Well I'm off to Jessica's house. Ciao.

R.I.P. Mary Beth Flayer

So today was the funeral. I can't really put it all into words... except how much I am going to miss my aunt. I'm going to miss getting to know her all over again. Miss knowing her when she was finally happy. Miss the woman she had always wanted to become. The service was very emotional, and the after feeling is really upsetting.

When I got home all of it sunk in and now I'm stuck feeling sick. Sick and emotional; emotional and upset. I need a shoulder to lean at the moment, but I can't seem to find any. I can't help but wanting to be selfish and have somebody say, "I'm sorry," and try to make me feel better. I want someone to help me right now. I want that person to lean on. But of course, I have no one. It upsets me more to know there is no one I want to lean on.

Tonight I want to cry. Tonight I want to crawl into bed, and just die. I don't want the world to see me, and I don't want them to hear me. I just want to be alone. Just alone.

R.I.P. Mary Beth Flayer. You will be missed.

Waiting for Friday.

This last week has been so crazy. Friday-Sunday was the horse shows. We got down there on Friday (obviously) and mom and I bathed Nightingale, banded, and set everything up. Saturday was the Well Dunn open show. I signed up for four classes, English equitation and pleasure, as well as Western Horsemanship and pleasure. The show started at 8 am, well by the time I did my second ride, English pleasure, it was 6 pm. It was the slowest show I had ever been to in my entire life. I didn't even do my western rides because I wasnted to go to Karlie's open house. In that show I only got a 6th in my English equ. I thought it was really good though because this year was my first year riding senior, and I had 11 others in my class.

On Sunday, the first 4-H achievement day, Nightingale and I did really well. We did showmanship, completley screwed up the pattern because I followed the girl ahead of me, but took first! English equ. placed second. English pleasure, third. Then my western classes were a complete joke. Nightingale twisted her bit in the pleasure class, so I had to jump down and fix it. Trail was really fun though. I had to go through a rope gate without dropping the rope. Nightingale was afraid of it, so kept twisting around and I almost dropped the rope when she decided she didn't want to go through it and kept walking forward. My arm was twisted around my body, but I held onto it! The judge laughed at me. :)

Also this weekend I found out my Aunt Mary Beth was killed in a motorcycle accident. So tomorrow we are going to the funeral.

Then on Monday I started my new job. I had to get up at 5:30 to go feed Frannie's horses. The night before I had told Brie everything that was giong on, and she thought I was going to kill myself trying to do everything. So she kept saying she was going to come over to my house at 5:30 and go with me to help with the horses. I didn't actually think she would though! I woke up at 5:30, and didn't see her outside. I figured she was sleeping. So I went and got ready, and walked out the door. She JUMPS out of the bushes in shorts and a tank top. I just kind of stared at her. She ran all the way to my house at 5:30 in the morning. What a crazy person.

So back to my new job. I got home and got ready and basically felt like shit. Drove to Panera's (sp?) and got a muffy. Drove to work. I did so much yesterday, and I was exhausted when I got home. A girl named Jayne basically tells me what to do. Shes really funny, she made the day go a lot faster. Mary is really nice, as well as Mark, Tina and Ting. AND! for 7 hours working I made $48. w00t! (I only make $6.50 and hour >:P).

So yeah... that was my weekend. This is ging to be such a long week. I cannont wait until Friday when I get to go up north. I'm looking forward to the beach and the sun and not doing ANYTHING!

Haha right now I'm watching the 3 Voss boys work out across the street. They are such meat heads. Lmao. They want to become ministers. Big burly manly ministers. SPOT ME JESUS!

Ciao.

Yay... or... Boo?

Yay for the horse show this weekend.
Boo for Rachel not being there.
Yay for dad not staying in the trailor.
Boo for having to sleep on the bunk.
Yay for getting a job!
Boo for only working 3 days a week.
Yay for making $.50 more than my last job.
Yay for being able to eat lunch with Karlie.
Yay for getting to work with Kari.
Yay for going up north in a week.
Yay for going to common grounds on the 14th.
YAY FOR SUMMER!

A Fried Summer Mind.

So once again I have nothing better to do and decided to update. There hasn't been much going on lately. I've been hanging out with Brie a lot, which has been toatlly awesome! We went shopping the other day, and didn't get home until around 11. We also went to go see Nacho Libre, which was really funny. My mom keeps telling me I should call her cousin Kari and talk to her about everything, but I don't want to now. Everything is how it was before; we get along and we have fun together. I don't want to mess it up, not after it took so long to get where we are now. We are going up north next week to her grandparents house. Part of me wants to, but then the other part is screaming at me not to go. I hate her grandparents, as well as her aunt. But Brie's mom, Linda, said we could just get away from them and go onto the jet skis. I'm really excited because I've never been on one before.

So I started running, and I can really notice a difference. My legs are a lot firmer and I might actually be able to wear a bathing suit without making people gouge their eyes out. When Brie and I went shopping I got a really nice one, the top looks awesome. The bottom-- not so much. I have the ugliest legs EVER! I told her I was going to just wear the top, and swim in jeans. How cool would I look? Anyway, I'm a lot happier now that I'm finally getting healthy.

This weekend show season starts for me. I took the state show test last night, and at first I though I was screwed because I didn't look over anything. I was going to wing it. I got in there, and this test was one of the easiest things I have ever taken. If only my physical science test was like that!

Which I definitely passed the class with a 2.5! w00t! GO ME!

Anyway I trailor down on Friday. I'm kind of excited, but not really. Rachel isn't going to be there, so I am going to be a loner. No Ipod, no Rachel, no fun.

Hmm... there was a lot I had wanted to post, but I don't remember any of it. Summer has taken away my mind. I love it. So now I'm just going to sit here, and listen to AFI. Brie and I got their new cd the other day, and I can't stop listening to it. Which by the way... Jade is really really hot.

Ciao.

'Kill the part of me that does nothing but dream.'

I am so frustrated with everything right now, and I don't know the reasons for some of the things.

Brie and I got into another fight last night, surprise, and I have yet to talk to her. I'm at a complete loss of what to even say, or do, to help her with anything. I don't know whats real or a lie when it comes to her now days. Did what she say really happen? Then why doesn't Kari know? But I thought she said Kari knew..? What about Kari's fiance? Does he know? She said he did. Why doesn't anything make sense anymore?! I've got this huge cloudy area in my head that is just a blur of everything all at once. I am so confused and I have no idea what to do.

That whole last post about Kerry was really random when I looked back on it. I really have no idea where any of that came from. I said a lot of things that I didn't mean, and I was being a coward and blaming things on other people. I know Kerry reads this, and if you read this one, I'm sorry. I hope you're having a good time in Texas and everything with Fred is great. With everything that you've gone through I don't want to start anything that doesn't need to start to begin with.

Also I would just like to tell people who leave me random, pointless, annoying comments to stop. I don't know who you are, I don't care what you have to say, and I couldn't give a rats ass what your opinion is. Thanks ;)

The summers starting out great. Wouldn't you say?

So summer is finally here as of thursday. To be honest I don't really know if I'm happy about it, or upset.

Right now all I know is that I am not a very happy Hilary. I am really irritated with a few of my friends. Kerry started going out with Fred, and it really upsets me. I don't know why it does so much but it does! I hate how she runs around acting like she is the ugliest thing on the planet and how fat she is and blah blah. She makes comments about being fat and I cannot stand it! She calls me and tells me shes so confused, and she doesn't know whats going on and she has no idea what to do.

1) I don't care about your 3 boy love triangle
2) I hate when you try to make me feel better about something by saying something about yourself
3) We aren't as good of friends as we used to be ever since you got a boyfriend

I hate always being second. I'm second or less for everybody. I wish Jessica was home because she is my best friend by far. Even if she did get a boyfriend, she would still always make time for me.

What am I complaining about? I should be happy my friend's got a boyfriend. Well. Here's me being happy for you.

Goodluck with everything. I quit.

Finally! Home Alone! YES!

So finally I actually have the time, and computer, to update. Everything is really stressful, and school is almost over. Yesterday was the seniors last day, I was surprised I wasn't a bit more sad. Everything seems about 20 times slower than before. Just four day! FOUR! 1-2-3-4! I am so ready for summer. I am ready to sleep in, and come and go as I please. Four... horribly... long... days....

So, my dad's friend/employee, Leo is currently staying with us. The barn lost electricity because they electric company finally decided to come out and look at the meter after two years. Well, now they owe $10,000. Who has that kind of money? Seriously, nobody can just whip that out of their back pocket at this point in time. On tuesday Leo was taken to jail. This came as a HUGE shock to me because my grandparents came up to see us for our concert. The reason was he hasn't been paying for child support. Oops. I also found out he has two other kids, making a total of four. Hmm...

It is really annoying having so many people here all the time. I can never get on the computer now that our PC got fried from the storm. But that is coming home today. Dad is constantly on the computer, and now that Leo is staying in here it is kind of awkward to just barg in and jump on the computer. Mom is really stressed and I don't really blame her. It's like having three kids, not counting me because I can take care of myself more or less. Two of which are constantly bickering and gossiping about the barn. I swear they are worse than two old women.

So I am definitely running solo for a while. Frannie is in New York for a horse show. Jessica is still in Germany. I don't really know what Kerry is up to these days, and Brie and I got into a fight which I originally started because I'm tired of listening to her cry and whine and be depressed all the time for no reason. She get so upset about this stupid druggie kid that she kissed once. Well at first she was just wishing he would leave and never come back. Long and behold she got her wish; he dropped out of school. Now she is perfectly fine at times, then... BAM, whiny/depressed/annoying in about two seconds tops. Like the other night we went to Lisa's party and hung out all afternoon. Then when I was taking her home she almost started crying, I was like WTF?! Then we got into a huge argument, and surprise! She turned into an emo. Whatever I am so tired of trying to help her, and trying to always say the right thing. This whole thing is stupid, it was one kiss! ONE! She making it seem like they dated for years, and they were deeply in love but then one night she gets home and catches him cheating on her! Again. I just don't care anymore.

Ahh! I love being home by myself! I can blast music and not have to listen to people!

So, that's all that I can really think about. I suppose I am going to just kick back and savior the moment that I am going to assume will not happen for about another month.

Ciao.

You mean it's not Friday...?

Where oh where to begin...

So, on Tuesday I got my license! :D and so far I am loving it! I drove by myself the night I got it, and I just felt so free. Flyin' down the back roads (no faster than 60 I assure you) listening to my music. There's no better feeling than that.

Jessica left for Germany today :( for six weeks. It's going to be a long six weeks. 41 more days till she gets home. I hung out with her everyday this week. Bah. I already miss her.

So dad found my blog on accident, and read my post (which I deleted). It was weird because I was really hesitant about posting it in the first place, talk about karma. But, if he does happen to read it again, I'm going to be honest. This is my space, my area where I vent, complain, and spill out my feelings. I don't like that fact that you have to read this, because you don't trust me. I gave you my promise that I wouldn't write anything like that, and I appriciate that you won't trust what I told you. Please give me my privacy. Pleace give me my space.

So that's all. I am most definitely in need of some long awaited sleep. So 9:30 sounds like a sweet bed time for me tonight.

Ciao

Count Downs:
13 Days till schools out
41 Days till Jess gets back

The day after.

So another birthday came and went. It definitely was a good day, I really enjoyed it. Brie went all out for it- she decorated my locker, made me cupcakes, and bought me a present. I love that girl, we will always be good friends no matter what. My parents got me this gorgeous ring, a gold band with 4 emeralds, and 3 diamonds. Jessica and Frannie are going to take me out when they get money and or their car back. So that will be fun. Good day yesterday though, I wouldn't change it.

Today though, I was very down for most of the day. I can't shake this empty feeling that I'm having, and it's beginning to bug me. Something in my life is missing, and I really want to know what it is. The feeling continues to grow everyday, and it starts to feel like a faint aching. Whatever. I don't care. Maybe it's just stress from school and everything. Bah.

Just thought I would update. :)

Later Days

<3

<3 Two hour delays.

Yay! We've got a two hour delay, thats to the fog!

So thing have slowly gotten better... Except my health, which has slowly gotten worse. Haha I think my last post scared a lot of people, I was almost thinking about deleting it, but then I remembered I wasn't allowed to by Rachel's rules. Maybe it was good that I blew up and had a major melt down, because I feel like a lot of weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Spring is here, and everything is beautiful and green. Tomorrow is my Sweet 16. My horse Will is doing awesome, and I have already ridden him once, tonight will be the second time. Nightingale is also doing great, I just need to stop being so lazy and get her back into shape. My friends and I are all getting along, and there is only 25 days left until class of '08 become juniors. Jessica gets to go to Germany this summer, and she was thinking she wouldn't be able to go in the beginning. My dad is finding a lot of work here in Michigan. I'm applying for a job in the next week or so. I got accepted into the career center. Life is good! I guess Spring brings out the happiness in people.

So like I said, tomorrow is my Sweet 16. I'm not getting a vehicle, but that doesn't really bother me. It's not like I was planning on driving all over hell when I got my license first thing. My major birthday present/christmas present from '05 was Will. Besides, when I need to go somewhere I can always just steal my mom's truck. Will is soo much cuter than and car could be :).

Well, I guess I'm going to go make some breakfast, because I've still got about an hour and a half before I have to go to school.

Happy one day early Birthday to me and to Frannie's puppy, Hope, and Ann from the barn, AND! Lance Bass from N'sync! Lol. Don't judge me >:P

Yay Fog.

My Confession

I don't know how I feel anymore. I'm beginning to think I am wearing a sign that says:

All those that want to be my friend are welcome. Only if, in the future you will have a breakdown, and threaten to kill yourself at the exact same time as all my other friends.

Please fill out an application, and I will get back to you.

Part of me just wants to say, "Well go ahead and end your fucking life now, because it will sure save me a lot of thinking time."

Jesus Fucking Christ! Why do all of my friends all at fucking once decide they want to become suicidal?! What the fuck am I suppose to do? How the fuck do you want me to help you, when you don't tell me anything? I'm sick of it! I don't want friends anymore! You play it off like your fine, but its pretty fucking obvious your not! GOD DAMNIT JUST FUCKING STOP! STOP STOP STOP! I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE! I CAN'T HEAR YOU SAY THINGS LIKE THAT AND NOT TELL ANYONE! I WON'T BE ABLE TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AFTER YOU'RE DEAD AND LIVE! I CAN'T HANDLE YOUR WEIGHT, HER WEIGHT, THEIR WEIGHT ON MY SHOULDERS! I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO HELP YOU ALL! I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T I CAN'T I CANNOT FUCKING HANDLE IT!

I CAN'T BE EVERYONES GUARDIAN ANGEL!

Happy early birthday to me..

Sinus infection- day 2

Go me, I skipped another day of school. Maybe having a sinus infection isn't so bad.

So I found one of my old stories yesterday, and I started reading it. It was the one based in midieval times, with knights and kings and all that. Then I sent it to Jessica, and apparently it "inspired" her to write her own. So she started one, similar to it. Then I started a new one. I really like how this one is turning out though, I think it is a lot more mature. Granted, its about two girls that disguise themselves as men to go to war to save their twin brothers. Mulan-ish, but not really. Because once they get found out, they are send to the kingdom they are at war with, to assassinate their king. It's going to be awesome. I'm debating on whether or not I want to put it onto Fiction Press or not.

Here's part from the first chapter-

“You even said it yourself, Avelina, I am more of a boy than our baby brothers.” Juliana replied softly, looking away from her sister.

“You know that is not what I meant--”

“Do not speak to me as though I am some senseless idiot, Avelina Ela. I choose to fight in the place of my brothers, in the place that my father once was, and I will do so, no matter what you say.” Juliana stood up, after giving Avelina one last heated gaze, and turned to leave.

“Wait--”

“I have nothing more to say to you Avelina--” Juliana said, not bothering to turn around.

“I will go with you.” Juliana’s feet came to an abrupt halt, and she turned around slowly to face her sister.

“What…?” Her voice came out raspy from the cold.

“I will go with you, Juliana Clare.” Avelina did not move from her spot on the grass but looked up, her eyes glazed over with unshed tears. “We shall go together.”

So like I said I really like how it's turning out :)

Well I'm going to take a nappy.

Ciao

Sinus Infection. Stress. And stage plays...

Sinus infections suck. I knew it was building up for the last few days, and it absolutley killed me today when I work up. I knew it was at its peak last night when the world around me began to spin, and I couldn't stand up for more than five minutes at a time.

I'm pissed because I have to write out 3 of the 6 scenes for our stageplay in english, because I stupidly offered to do it. I wrote out my entire 20th Century Film screenplay last night which took me over four hours. I'm stressed out, I can't see straight, my body shut its self down. Being sick sucks. Highschool sucks. Stage plays and screen plays suck too.

Well I'm going to go take some drowsy medicine :) so I can be in the middle of writing the stupid scenes and pass out.

Owie :(

Same Shit. Different Day.

Why is it always when you are happy and content with everything, your life has to turn upside down? Last weekend was perfect, and so far this entire week has sucked. Plus... it's only Wednesday. I still have two more days until the weekend. Bah!

So today I think I managed to embarass myself countless times without even trying to. Not just infront of a few people though, infront of entire groups. I'm really not going to get into it, but I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I have a project due tomorrow, and I havn't even started it. The movie Citizen Kane sucks. I have a head splitting migrane. I got home to find out my horse reacted to some shots she got, and one side of her neck is completley swollen. I have to go out and wash her down, and give her medicine. Still depressed because I feel like I'm unwanted. I still don't have an answer on whether or not I got into the Career Center. I failed a pop quiz in Preston's class. Someone stole, lliterally stole, our table at lunch for the SECOND day. Mom is extra crabby, while dad is being a complete asshole.

I QUIT.

I QUIT.

I QUIT.

I QUIT!

Alright. I think I got all of that out of my system. So on a lighter note! Will got ridden for the first time yesterday! Vince said he would help us for a while, so we used his saddle and I longed him first. When Vince went to get up on him in the beginning, he caught Will off guard and so he kind of jumed around. The second try was good, he walked him, and trotted him a little, then got off. He's a little unsure of weight on his back, so he got tense and ended up sweating like a maniac. He was really good though!

My Moose :)

Cranky Nightingale <3

:) I have a lot of time on my hands

THE BEST SURVEY EVER... NO MORE BORING QUESTIONS!
The boring questions...
What’s your name?: Hilary
How old are you?: 15
Your home town..?: Williamston
Where you live right now?: Williamston
Who do you live with?: The parentals and the el brothero
How many friends do you have?: Haha 0.

Have you ever...
Wanted to die: Yes
Made s’mores: WHO HASNT!?
Cheated on a test: Muahaha..
Wished upon a star: Of course
Prank called: Is your refridgerator running?
Used up 10 bottles of silly string: Not 10..
Cried in front of your crush or boyfriend/girlfriend: Hmm. No.
Missed someone so much your heart hurt: Yessum
Beaten someone up: DIE ERIC!
Been beaten up: Eric hits hard :(
Won an award: Of course
Kissed someone in the rain: How romantic. Not.
Kissed someone in the snow: NAKED AHAHA. no.
Kissed someone while playing truth or dare, 7 minutes in heaven, etc: Okay. We are done with the kissing questions
Been hit my lightning: LOL yes. I have.
Almost drowned: Nay
Bought a lava lamp: Who the fuck BUYS them? steal them from garage sales.

Your love life...
Are you single, in a relationship, married etc: Single. SURPRISE
Are you straight, bi, homosexual etc: STRAIGHT!
If your taken, what is their name?: Jared Nightingale *fans self*
If you're single do you have someone in mind?: Hormones are evil.
Who?: LIKE I WOULD TELL!
Are you IN love: Sadly. No.
Have you ever been in love: No.
Do you love someone: I love my horsies xD
How far have you gone, first, second, third, home plate: I sit next to Hannah on the bench =D

Random questions...
So, do you own a cell phone?: Yessum
An iPod: Who doesnt?
Do you have AIM or any other instant messenger?: AIM, Yahoo, MSN
If so, what’s your screen name?: AIM- xxCrimsonEnvyxx
Do you have a MySpace?: Yes
Livejournal?: Yes
Xanga?: nay
Any of those other journal things?: BLOGGER!
What’s your favorite restaurant?: Don't really have one
Favorite food?: MEXICAN!
Favorite drink: Chocolate Milk <3
How many closets do you have in your room?: uno
How about in your house?: four
Is your phone ringing right now?: Uhm... no...
What time is it right now?: 7:17
What kind of computer do you own?: A shitty one
Do you like cheese?: har har
What’s your favorite kind of cheese?: i like spicy cheese
What are you listening to right now?: "My Confession" by Josh Groban
Are you eating anything?: Taco.

When was the last time you...
Burped: Just now! w00t!
Laughed: In the kitchen when mom was making fun of me
Showered: Last night
Vacuumed: *shrugs*
Went to school: Today *sigh*
Cried: Last week
Turned on a light: When I walked in here
Threw something away: I CLEANED OUT MY BACKPACK WOOT!
Did the dishes: Yesterday
Did the laundry?: Yesterday
Talked on the phone and who with: YEsterday, with Jessica
Flunked a test: Last week xD
Aced a test: Years ago.
Broke something: Uhm.. Saturday
Lost a tooth: forever ago
Went swimming: Last year
Went on a date: *sigh* Next.
Ate something: Like 2 seconds ago

This or that...
Powerade or Gatorade: Gatorade
Sushi or chicken: Chicken
IM or TV: IM
MP3 or radio: It depends O.o
Going on a date, or hanging out with your friends: Being anti-social
Yahoo or hotmail: Yahoo
1% or 2% milk?: 1/2%!
South Park or The Simpsons: South Park
Mary-Kate or Ashley (HA): Ewie neither
BSB or N*sync? (HA): BSB ALL THE WAY BITCHES!
Dog or cat: Horse
French fries or potato chips: French fries
Cola soft drinks or lemon-lime soft drinks: Dr. Pepper
Panera or Frishes: wtf is frishes?
Eating out or in: Out
Crayons or colored pencils: CRAYONSS!!
Mondays or Sundays: Sundays
Saturdays or Fridays: Fridays
Summer or fall: Fall
Spring or winter: Spring
TV or reading: Reading

Ultimate Opposite Sex Survey (for girls) --
Your Favorite--
Hair Color: Brown/black/dark
Eye Color: Green, blue
(Their)Music Genre Preference: Hard rock, metal, but will listen to country when im in the mood
Height(estimate): 6'0" THEY HAVE! TO BE TALLER THAN ME
Age: Older than me so 16 +
Personality Type: Fun, outgoing, sweet, mysterious/dark ;)
--This or That--
Older or Younger: Older <3
Romantic or Horndog: Romance all the way
Smart or Stupid: Smart
Fat or Skinny: I like them thicker
Punk or Preppy: Punk
The Big Picture or the Little Things: The teensy things
Flowers/Candy or Big Expensive Present: A hug and a cute smile
Mixtape or Burned CD: CD
Love or Lust: Both
Emotional or Just Not: Mix...they’re both such extremes alone
Sincere or Jokester: Both
Hott and mean or Ugly and sweet: hot and sweet
Sexy or Just Cute: Cute
Arse or Abs: Ehh abs
Hair or Hands: Hands haha my fetish
Dimples or Eyes: Dimples are cute, but im a eye gal
Biceps or Calves/Thighs: Biceps ^^
Teeth or Nose(some people are just weird): omg both
Clean Shaven or Scruffy: Both ^^
Rugged or Prim and Proper: Rugged
Countryboy or Cityboy: ACCENT! OMG OMG OMG *melts*
Date alone or With Friends: Alone
Mama's Boy or Rebel Without A Cause: Rebel all the way

--Have You Ever--
Dumped a guy because he liked you too much: No
Loved a guy because he stalked you: No
Loved a guy because he hated you: No
Asked your friend's crush out: No
Lead a guy on for kicks: If I did, it was purely unintentional
Asked a guy out purely because he was hot: No... that’s so shallow
Flirted with guys even though you had a boyfriend: No
Lied about not having a boyfriend: No
Lied about having one: No
Cheated: No
Been Cheated on: No...
Had a crush on a gay guy: No...but they’re so much fun to talk to

--Their Clothing(yes/no)--
Boxers?: Yes
Briefs?: Yes
Hat?: sometimes
Skater Shoes?: If he must
Pimp Shoes?: No
Band Shirts?: Yes
Vintage shirts?: Yes
South Pole/other thug clothes..?: No
Dixie Outfitters/Big Johnsons?: No
Independent/DC?: Yes
Jeans or Shorts?: Jeans

--Be Honest--
Would you ever date a guy for his money?: probably... thats so shallow i know
Would you ever date a guy for his social status?: absolutley not
Have you ever liked hanging out with your bf's friends more than him?: No
Have you ever pretended to like somebody to make them feel better?: No
Have you called a girl a whore, when you were screwing lots of guys?: No
Do looks matter?: No
Are you honestly scared of being dumped?: yes
Do you avoid 'situations' with ugly guys?: No
Are you ashamed to be seen with your ugly friends?: No
Do you hide things from your crushes/guy friends/bf?: I hide things from everybody
Do you lie about masturbation for attention or false innocence?: No
Do you really want a guy to say if those jeans make your butt look fat?: If I ask, I want an honest answer...but I usually do not ask if my butt looks fat
Are you disappointed when your bf doesn't say I love you right away?: No, I only ever want to hear that from one guy in my life, if that.
Wanna be a virgin till marriage?: not really
Do you really love the guys every time that you say it?: Well, if I ever decide to say it, I will certainly mean it
Do you dream about your crushes/bfs/guy friends?: Sometimes
Would you make out with a guy friend just to get it over with/curiosity?: No


Random Thoughts For A Troubled Youth
Name a song from your childhood: Lucky - Britney Spears
What outfit would you wear for the rest of your life?: Jeans and my black hoodie
Redheads, brunettes, or blondes?: Blondes!!
Best advice ever given: I give a lot of good advice
Last movie that made you cry: The notebook!
Last song that made you cry: Hello Lonely
Last person to make you cry: Secret.
What brightens up your day?: Going out to the barn
Biggest pet peeve?: The sloshy sound when someone chews
Totally in love with someone? Uh, no.
Do they know? ^^
If no, would you ever tell them?^^^
Worst trend?: WTF IS WITH THE LEG WARMERS! EW!
What city do you hate the most?: Dunno
Favorite solo artist?: Josh Groban
Favorite band?: Theory of a deadman
Band/artist that you love but wouldn't tell anyone: Uhm.. I still like BSB xD
What was your last dream about?: I don't remember... by Kerry was in it
How many pairs of shoes do you own? a few
Which is your favorite?: SANDALS!
Would you date someone on personality alone?: Yes
Would you date someone on looks alone?: No
Biggest obsession?: Romance stories
Do you do any activities that none of your friends do?: dunno
If yes, what is it?: Whoring. lol jk
City life or country life?: counrty
Ford or chevy?: FORD <3
Would you ever kill someone?: Yes
Ever met someone over the internet?: Yes, friends of friends
When was the last time you rode a bike?: Uhh last summer?
What is your dream car?: F650 Black Ford Truck
Dream house?: The big blue one on North Zimmer, with the barn :)
Are you keeping a secret right now?: Yes, several.
Favorite place to travel to: Up North ^^
Do you like Bob Dylan?: Who?
Favorite material possession: I dunno
Favorite non-material possession: My horses
Would you date a good friend?: If I liked them
Would you date a total stranger?: sure why not?
Simpsons or Futurama?: Futurama
What news channel do you watch?: Er.. none?
Favorite drink: CHOCOLATE MILK!
Organized or a mess?: Both at times
Something weird about your hometown: ITS FILLED WITH WIGGERS!
Something nobody knows about you: I read steamy romance novels ^_~ Haha Emily knows that
Religion?: dont have one
Turn ons?: Individuality, personality, intelligence, sense of humor
Turn offs?: Laziness, shallowness, egotistical bastards
Driver or passengers seat?: DRIVER!
What song do you want playing at your funeral?: "Hello Lonely" by Theory of a Deadman. I adore it.