That’s it. It’s done. It’s over.

This is going to be my last post, I’ve decided, because then this blog will be throughout my high school career. My high school experience and how it changed me. All the many hardships I faced, fears, infatuations, and my accomplishments. I thought that once that chapter in my life was over, it was time to start afresh.

I graduated from Williamston High School on Sunday, June 3^rd. I wore my white cap and gown, and received my bronze cord. It was one of the most overwhelming experiences I’ve ever been through. I remember sitting in my seat, facing the stage and realizing that this was it. I’m actually graduating. I was so nervous when he called my name, and I walked onto that stage. I’ve never felt so clammy in my LIFE. I took my diploma from my principal, and just continued walking. Just like that, and it was over. I was done. I was waiting to blink my eyes, and just like in the movies be 30 years old, living a whole different life. I was waiting for something extravagant to happen, just a sign to prove to me that it was really finished. But everything just continued forward, just like I continued to walk off that stage.

Tuesday night I had one of the biggest panic attacks I’ve ever thought I could have. I began to think that I was making the huge mistake of going to CMU. I thought I had just jumped into it, and didn’t think about it. I thought I wasn’t ready to leave home yet, and that I couldn’t live on my own. I stayed awake all that night, and didn’t get any sleep. The following morning, I was off to Mt. Pleasant for freshmen orientation. Once I got there, I felt at home. It was like all my fears were washed away, and the realization hit me that I could do this. This was going to be my home for the next four years. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

So I guess that’s it. I don’t want to drown my final post out with the latest drama, and what I normally sit and complain about.

Watch out Central. Here I come.

Ciao.

Happy last day of school...

Today was my last day of high school. I was happy. But now I'm not. I shouldn't be crying on my last day of high school. But here I am with my mascara streaming down my face. Now I have to go to work with my eyes all puffy and red, and then go to a dinner where I wasn't even invited in the first place.

Can't hate the '08.

But I sure can try.

Ciao.

There's never a dull moment.

So this weekend was probably one of the best I’ve had in a while. Friday morning I walked out of my room at 10:30 only to find Ellie curled on my couch sleeping. She ever brought her own blanket. After that it was pretty much decided we were just going to skip the entire day. We didn’t end up doing much, sat around mostly, and then went to Sunny Side to get some breakfast. After breakfast, we just continued to sit around. Later on we had decided we were going to go out clubbing that night. By the time we got all dolled up, and got some food, we decided we didn’t really feel like going. Under the false understanding of delicious liquid and a fire fighter, we followed Brad to Denny’s… which eventually just led us back to Ellie’s house. What a waste.

Saturday night turned out to be entertaining, to say the least. After I got off work, I met up with Ellie and Kara, over at Ellie’s house. We watched the Tigers game for a little while, and also watched them WIN! Anyway, Dan and Glen came over and watched it with us for a bit. After the game, we somehow came to the conclusion that we were all 18. Off to the Lions Den we went! It was probably one of the most awkward, and amusing trips we’ve ever gone on. After wandering around for about 45 minutes, and laughing harder than I have in weeks, we headed back to Ellie’s house to find Craig, his cousin, and his sister. We hung out for a while, and then headed to Denny’s ONCE AGAIN.

The next morning we slept until 1, and finally decided to get our lazy asses out of bed. I turned my phone on and ended up getting about 20 text messages from my boss, saying he needed me to come in and help him out. So I threw some pants on and sped off to work, only to get the end of a big rush. That was totally worth it... Not to mention I got bossed around by a 4’4” ginger bitch who thought she owned the place. Bitch.

Later that night the three amigos decided to go out before we started another hellish week. So after getting all attractive once again, we had a large debate on whether or not we should see a movie… or try hookah… I’ll give you a hint: we didn’t go see a movie. We walked in and had absolutely no idea what to do. I ended up texting McBride and he gave me a lot of pointers. After Kara got out of work she joined in on all the fun. It was a pretty cool new experience. I would definitely do it again.

I guess that’s everything.

Ciao

Memorable moments… for everyone else… courtesy of me.

“YOUR CAR SOUNDS REALLY HOT!”

“THE SEATBELT IS CHOKING ME…!”

Ready for the weekend!

It’s passed midnight, and I cannot sleep! I swear I’m becoming a night owl more and more each night. Meh. Whatever.

Today was actually a pretty good day. Mom has been bugging me about taking my pill, and so I finally did. What a difference a little pill can make! My entire mood did a 360, and I had the biggest burst of extra energy that I’m not used to. I guess I will start taking them again.

Only went to two classes today, but that was quite enough. It’s a little bad when even two classes feels like practically the whole day. Tomorrow I will do the same thing; Friday we’re off to Detroit for our fun weekend. When I got home today I finally-FINALLY got to watch Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights… INCREDIBLE. Holy cow I was not expecting to react to the movie in such a way. Oh, and Diego Luna? Gorgeous. The movie really made me aware of one thing: how very single I am.

Went to work and had a really good night. Jessica and I re-patched everything which was good. After work she came over; we were going to go to the casino, but the parentals wouldn’t allow me to. So instead we watched Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights again! I could go and watch it for a third time!

I guess that’s it.

Ciao.

No. It's not enough.

It is always easier to say something when it doesn’t come straight from your mouth, isn’t it? Let me explain: face to face conversations always seem to be the hardest, so that is why most of us use these blogs to get out our true feelings. For it be one of many reasons such as: too self-conscious, afraid, nervous, or just the simple fact that having a computer screen in front of one’s face, makes them feel as though they can curse the world. What is my reason? I feel as though I’m under some kind of verbal obligation that doesn’t allow me to say what I really want to say, in front of their faces. I’m always so afraid of hurting everyone else’s feelings. So once again, here I am.

You’re sorry you didn’t hear it from my face? There is so much more you have yet to here.

I’m tired of you always being depressed.
I’m tired of how you always put yourself down.
I’m tired of you always feeling sorry for yourself.
I’m tired of you making plans, and canceling plans only to remake said plans later.
I’m tired of how you always say you wasted my time over “all these years.”
I’m tired of you always biting my head off, or being short with me.
I’m tired of you wasting so much unnecessary energy worrying about C, and all the things she has, and what you don’t have.

But there’s still more:

I miss you showing up at my house everyday.
I miss all the adventures we would skip the entire day for.
I miss having you there when I need to talk to someone.
I miss the long random conversations we could come up with.
I miss the midnight runs to ANYWHERE.
I miss seeing you smile and laugh for just a few hours, because it’s then that you’re finally being yourself and not letting everything get you down.
I miss driving long places with the windows down either listening to Keith Urban, or the Gasoline song you always listen to when you’re feeling BA.
I miss the girl that could sit out on the bed of a truck for two hours with me, and not even remember what we talked about, but remember we were laughing uncontrollably at her stupid dog.
I miss having my older sister in my life.

I miss you. I miss having you around. I feel like all I ever do is get on your nerves. Stop being sorry for everything! Chicago sounded like a great trip, but there will always be other times for an even bigger trip. We’re both the same: we beat up on ourselves every chance we get. I know people change, and good things never last, but I don’t think I was quite ready for this to change yet.

Yeah. Kinda like that.

I panicked today; more than I have even panicked in my life. I can’t quite explain why, but it felt like I was suffocating. Everything was just too close, too available, and too real. I ended up ripping practically everything off my walls in an attempt to breathe, but all I ended up doing was making my room look… blank. I can’t get over the feeling that everything is closing in on me at the moment.

That’s all I have to say.

Bing Bing Bing Bing!

Finally, my awaited 18^th birthday, and so far it was more than I could have ever asked for! Friday night I had to work, but then Ellie and I ended up watching the Game Plan at her house until the early morning hours. It was much better than I expected it to have been; both of us ended up crying out eyes out at the end. The next morning, she finally slept in until 11 (shocker, I know) and then she went into crazy date mode. She took me home around 2:45 and went to her date in Novi, which apparently went really well! When I got home I spent some quality time with my brother, which is always rare nowadays. It is always nice when I get to spend time with him, because we both have such busy schedules that always seem to clash.

Anyways, I went to work that night and did not enjoy it one bit. I absolutely despise working with John and Joren, not only for the fact that they are still stuck in the post-dating, pre-redating thing, but I’m really beginning to think John is not a huge fan of me. Jessica eventually came in to close with me at 7, and things went alright from there. For some reason I felt the horrible urge to prove myself to John, to somehow change his mind about me? I ended up cleaning the entire kitchen, practically by myself until close. Jessica and I were beginning to get on each others nerves, which isn’t much of a rare thing these days. Although the whole situation is getting to be a little old, I’m quickly losing the patience to keep dealing with it.

After work I came home, Ellie following right along, took a shower and got all cleaned up. From there we headed out to Brad’s cousins house, which is way out in the middle of nowhere. We had a ton of fun, well that is until I decided to flip out on Ellie for absolutely no reason. I felt really bad afterwards, mainly because she just broke down into a complete drunk sob, but at the same time I don’t. It just gets really old when that same type of phrase continues to come out of people’s mouths, and they are always directed towards my best friends.

I ended up driving her car home at like 2am, and we passed out pretty quickly. Woke up at 9 with anticipation and excitement practically bursting through every pore because today was the day that we got to go to the CASINO! Got ready pretty quickly, well… I did, and headed home to meet dad and Leo. We pulled into the parking lot, and dad got “his” parking spot, which ironically someone was just pulling out of right when we were pulling into the parking lot. As we walking into the front doors, Ellie and I just kind of stopped and stared. It was as if we had just walked onto a movie set; everything was dinging, blinking, and lit up. By the end of the night I had began with $87, got up to about $200, and then lost it all. $87 in the hole!

Moose

Horseback riding has been a huge part of my life for some time now, but thanks to life, crappy people, and insufficient funds, it no longer is. After a while it become a unanimous decision to sell Will. We went out yesterday to drop off food for him, and to take some pictures that we can send along to C.A.N.T.E.R. in hopes that they will buy him back. I really wasn’t affected with the thought of selling him, until I finally downloaded the pictures onto my computer. I regret not riding him every chance I got and I regret not being able to be around him more. I’ve had him for about two years, and he is still no further than when I bought him. Once again that feeling of failure threatens to come knocking at my door, but I have to remember everything that happened. It was as though all the signs were pointing in this direction over all these years, and I was just too blind to see it.

Whoops.

I was going to post something, but now that I'm on here. I don't really feel like it.

Ciao.

Shared sorrow is half sorrow, shared joy is double joy

I thought it was about time that I updated, though I really don’t have any thoughts going on. Well, that wouldn’t quite be the truth, but I always have been a bit of a liar. To be honest, I’m quite overwhelmed with school at the moment. Not because of homework, or tests, or anything actually “academic” but more for the reason that I still have to go everyday. I know schooling is going to be in my life for many more years to come, but high school is overstaying its welcome, and becoming a burden. I’m ready for something far more challenging than what I entail day after day. A new story, with an array of scenes, characters, tragedies, happy endings, and adventures alike.

Ellie and I went and got ice cream today after school. It was kind of a sudden thing, when she came strolling into my house, to find me in the back yard trying to persuade my dog into bringing his ball to me (Which ended up not quite working out. Damn dog.). We ended up going to Cold Stone in East Lansing, and got way too much ice cream. I swear we are both going to end up with diabetes. It was when we were on our way back, driving through campus, that I really started to believe that we could make it living together next year and starting college together. You know when you get those moments, where you feel like your life is exactly where it needs to be, and that overwhelming feeling of contentment takes over? I felt that today. Not having felt it in a while, and for the first time in a long time I felt happy.

There are days when I find myself feeling hopeless at the beginning, but they never seem to end in such a way.

"My best friends are the ones who bring out the best in me."

It's March! Hurray!

So today I went walking outside, and it was actually.... SEMI-WARM! I know... I know, we all know spring is coming when the 40 degree weather brings all the rain! Gotta love 30 days straight of pure rain, and that lovely worm smell that always comes along with it.

Because it is our last year of high school (praise god) Ellie and I finally decided it was time to go on a Spring Break trip! We're going to Florida! WOO! I've never been on a plane, and have never seen the ocean before. We got our plane tickets yesterday! Now I just have to stop eating, and start running, and I will have that not-so-perfect-but-kinda-passable swim suit body!

Jessica and I decided we were going to celebrate both of our birthdays in May, and drag Ellie along. Because we are... us... we got reservations at the Renaissance O'Hare in Chicago! We also got tickets for the male strip club, Sinzation, and so far we are the only ones for that day! LOL! A whole strip club for the three of us. I wouldn't mind.

Then last but certainly not least, Kenny Chesney concert on may 22nd. I have been studying my Kenny songs, and I think we're meeting Bobby there.

Oh and I actually decided on Anthropology for Central! STUDY ABROAD IN IRELAND BABY! WOO!

30 Days till Florida
62 Days till my 18th
67 Days till Chicago with my girls
80 Days till Kenny Chesney
90 Days till graduation!

High Hopes.

I have nothing left to do, so I decided that I would update... myself... on my own life.

One morning I went walking through the kitchen, my mom and I were still in our pj's, and I stopped and just said to her, "I think I want to go to CMU." At the time I really didn't have any particular reason for wanting to go, besides the fact that Ellie is going, and my cousin already goes there. I'm ready to get away from this city, and I'm ready to try it on my own. I finally decided to look into advertising and marketing that is tied into their Journalism program. I think I can do it... I hope I can do it. I guess time will tell.

Ellie and I are planning on rooming with each other. I sometimes wonder if this is the right idea or not.

College is going to be a new experience. I'm looking forward to it more and more each day.

Becoming Jane

Today in a fit of boredom, and sudden need for romance I found myself watching “Becoming Jane,” with Anne Hathaway and the ever attractive James McAvoy. There was one part in the movie that really stuck out the most to me, and I found myself thinking it over. Jane and Tom return to his uncle’s estate in an attempt to show him how eligible she was. While they are there, they visit the authoress, Ann Radcliffe, who is known for some of her novels. The beginning of the conversation between Jane and Ann caught my attention:

“You live so quietly and yet your novels are filled with romance; danger; terror.”-Jane

“Everything my life is not.”-Ann

How many authors’ write stories and novels of things they do not know, or don’t quite understand? Hasn’t it always been said that one should write of what they know? Yet many do not write as such. Maybe the best writing is not writing what one may know, but of the things they want to know. Writing about adventures, terror and danger one may never come across, and the heart pounding passion one only wishes they could feel. Is that what sells books? Reading about the life of another; to maybe get a small bit of what they’re feeling? Taking in everything author and reader alike do not know or understand.

Stupid attractive jerk!

We're in the home stretch now, and I can see the checkered flag at the end. Four more month, and that's it! I suddenly find myself looking forward to so much: My 18th birthday, Spring Break, Graduation, and summer! I've just got to get through career center without going completely crazy, and attempts to go to English every once in a while.

JUST FOUR MORE MONTHS!

Lent is coming up, and Ellie is trying to get me to give up something. Her and Chels are giving up sweets, and wanted me to do it as well. YEAH RIGHT! I have monthly needs for certain sweets. There is NO WAY I will be giving those up! I thought about giving up swearing, because that's really the only thing I do a lot. I guess we will see how it goes.

So once again I find myself completely infatuated with a guy. I told myself I wasn't going to get involved with anyone because I might be going off to college next year. But leave it to me to get completely hung up on him. He's practically everything I didn't want, too. AND HE'S SHORT! But he's so much more manly than any guy I've ever met. He is such a jerk sometimes, but can always make me laugh. He argues with me, and makes me smile. Ironically, I was reading one of my other posts and found this:

"There was a boy. I was probably more interested in the idea of finally having a boyfriend, but the more I started to know him, the more I was not interested. At all. Sure he's a really nice guy... but he's TOO nice. He doesn't get what I'm saying, and he never knows what to say to me. Make me laugh! Argue back! Be a jerk sometimes! Is that so much to ask?"

Oh man... I'm in a pickle.

Ciao.

126 Days to Figure it Out.

Why are some decisions so hard to make? There are times I feel like I could sit forever and never actually be able to come up with an answer. It's those things you try to put into the back of your head, but emerge every peaceful second you're able to grasp. I got accepted in Central Michigan University, the only college I actually applied to, with a three year scholarship.

Now comes the real question: what do I want to be when I grow up?

The worst possible question that does nothing but tease every fragment of your being until you can no longer take it. I remember that question being asked to me over a hundred times; each answer always seemed to be different. I don't know what I want to be. I can now honestly say it's beginning to eat me up inside. I'm afraid to end, and I'm afraid to begin.

What’s this feeling that lies in my heart?
It rips and tears; trying to pull me apart.
I want peace, and I want rest,
So leave me be for I know what’s best.

Trying to follow what others say,
Even though I need to find my own way.
Where am I to go after this?
A heavy question that causes my distress.

Close my eyes and hold my head up high,
Take a deep breath and see passed the lie.
I know there is a path that leads me there,
But it remains hidden from my ever pleading stare.