How far would one go to make a friend feel good about themself? Is it okay to lie to them, when you know the truth will only hurt their feelings? Are friends always telling each other the truth? If they always do, then why does it feel like mine are lying to me?
So today my mom and I were just sitting and watching TV. I was whining and complaining because my cramps are eating ulcers into the lining of my stomach, and out of the blue mom goes, "You should try plus size modeling." HUH?! Where the hell did that come from? I laughed of course, what a stupid idea. You have to be pretty to be a model, even the plus size models don't look plus size. I thought she was kidding, but apparently she wasn't. I got the whole, "Do you know what my friends say about you at work? You're so beautiful, and you're the only person who doesn't see that!"
I hate when people say that to me.
It's hard to thing of yourself as pretty or beautiful when you haven't ever been. I'm the girl that never gets a second look from anyone. The one who trys her hardest to look nice, but is never pretty enough.
I was talking to my friends about it, cause I thought they would get a good laugh out of it as well. But they all keep telling me that I should do it. Sure usually when someone says that they are just being nice because they don't want to hurt their feelings. Why can't I just trust what they say, and believe them?
I'm just afraid to be laughed at :[
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
What About Me
Two day's in a row, I'm seriously on a roll!
Today was, stressful. I failed my Human Bio test, by... a lot, and got really upset about it. I don't know why I was so upset because I already knew I was going to fail it. I'm a slacker, and didn't feel the need to study. Haha.. Well... BIG MISTAKE! The rest of my day was pretty shot after that because it put me into a terrible mood. I got to the Career Center with high hopes, and only to be faced with an empty chair. I was ready to go home by then. I dragged though an hour, and then at one, he came :]! I got excited...
You know when you get that little feeling in the pit of your stomach and you think your day is finally going to start looking brighter? Well... That's what I felt.
Until:
Mr. Brown (Principal.. or assistant principal... Idk) came and TOOK ME AWAY!! *Sigh* Of course. He wanted to tell Crystal and I about his meeting with creepy Webberville boy. It sounds as though the meeting went well though, but I still hate him-- just for the record. Mr Brown asked us what we thought would be a suitable punishment for him, and right then and there I discovered I could never be a teacher. I would really SUCK at punishing kids if I couldn't just reach over and smack the hell out of their bratty little mouths.
So after a half hour of boring talk (Mr. Brown has a way of repeating everything over and over again but with different words. It was rather annoying to be honest), I went back to class. Ready to be flirty and cute, I sat back down and cautiously glanced up to where he was sitting. He didn't look happy though, and he looked really hurt. I don't know why, but I never got the chance to ask him. He can't hide anything though, his GORGEOUS eyes told me everything. I felt bad, I wanted to ask and see if he was ok. DAMN MY SHYNESS! With a deep feeling of regret 2 o'clock rolled around and I slowly left... to wallow more in my self pity.
When I was leaving the school with Heidi, I saw Ryan McBride for the first time since the very first football game. It was weird seeing him in the highschool, and even more weird seeing him and knowing he was single. I didn't really get a chance to talk to him, and wish I had. I heard his laugh echo in the dome, and that really made me realize how much I missed talking to him, and seeing him everyday. It's just so weird that he's single now! Bah.
So I started listening to Keith Urban again, and it makes me remember so much. Like, freshman year when Olivia, Emily, and I always used to hang out. Haha and out Keith, Keeth and Heath beach story. Or burning everything of NM at Olivia's house. Lol Silent One, Dances with Squirrels and Wet Foot. I really thought freshman year was the worst, but after just the beginning of this year I wish I could have that year back. I wish I could go back and really enjoy those moments that I took for granted.
Trisha is right though: our group fell apart. It upsets me. Everything's changing, and it's never going to be how it used to be. I miss those old friendships, and the moments. I miss how it all used to be.
Keith Urban- What About MeToday was, stressful. I failed my Human Bio test, by... a lot, and got really upset about it. I don't know why I was so upset because I already knew I was going to fail it. I'm a slacker, and didn't feel the need to study. Haha.. Well... BIG MISTAKE! The rest of my day was pretty shot after that because it put me into a terrible mood. I got to the Career Center with high hopes, and only to be faced with an empty chair. I was ready to go home by then. I dragged though an hour, and then at one, he came :]! I got excited...
You know when you get that little feeling in the pit of your stomach and you think your day is finally going to start looking brighter? Well... That's what I felt.
Until:
Mr. Brown (Principal.. or assistant principal... Idk) came and TOOK ME AWAY!! *Sigh* Of course. He wanted to tell Crystal and I about his meeting with creepy Webberville boy. It sounds as though the meeting went well though, but I still hate him-- just for the record. Mr Brown asked us what we thought would be a suitable punishment for him, and right then and there I discovered I could never be a teacher. I would really SUCK at punishing kids if I couldn't just reach over and smack the hell out of their bratty little mouths.
So after a half hour of boring talk (Mr. Brown has a way of repeating everything over and over again but with different words. It was rather annoying to be honest), I went back to class. Ready to be flirty and cute, I sat back down and cautiously glanced up to where he was sitting. He didn't look happy though, and he looked really hurt. I don't know why, but I never got the chance to ask him. He can't hide anything though, his GORGEOUS eyes told me everything. I felt bad, I wanted to ask and see if he was ok. DAMN MY SHYNESS! With a deep feeling of regret 2 o'clock rolled around and I slowly left... to wallow more in my self pity.
When I was leaving the school with Heidi, I saw Ryan McBride for the first time since the very first football game. It was weird seeing him in the highschool, and even more weird seeing him and knowing he was single. I didn't really get a chance to talk to him, and wish I had. I heard his laugh echo in the dome, and that really made me realize how much I missed talking to him, and seeing him everyday. It's just so weird that he's single now! Bah.
So I started listening to Keith Urban again, and it makes me remember so much. Like, freshman year when Olivia, Emily, and I always used to hang out. Haha and out Keith, Keeth and Heath beach story. Or burning everything of NM at Olivia's house. Lol Silent One, Dances with Squirrels and Wet Foot. I really thought freshman year was the worst, but after just the beginning of this year I wish I could have that year back. I wish I could go back and really enjoy those moments that I took for granted.
Trisha is right though: our group fell apart. It upsets me. Everything's changing, and it's never going to be how it used to be. I miss those old friendships, and the moments. I miss how it all used to be.
I'm livin' in a world that won't stop pullin' on me
I'm not complaining but it's true
It's like I owe my time to everyone else
'Cause that's all I seem to do
You might not notice but I need a good friend
Someone to talk to when I'm down, down, down
There's so much on my mind that I want to get out
But there's no one around
Sometimes I can't help thinkin' what about me
Some days go by that I don't even see
Yeah I'm doing everything right and I can't break free
Oh is this the way it's always gonna be
What about me
Well I'm dreamin' I'm on a highway with the windows down
I'm burnin' up the road at my own speed
But I'm stuck here goin' nowhere in this traffic jam
And there's a woman with her kids in the car next to me
And I swear she's singin'
Sometimes I can't help thinkin' what about me
Some days go by that I don't even see
Yeah I'm doing everything right and I can't break free
Is this the way it's always gonna be
Hey, what about me
Oh, sometimes I can't help thinkin' what about me
Some days go by that I don't even see
I'm doing everything right and I can't break free
Oh is this the way it's always gonna be
What about me
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Happy for once.
Things are going okay, but things aren't going too great. What do you call that? Neutral? Just there? Or things are just... going? We'll go with that.
Things are just going.
At the highschool I find myself completely stressed out mainly because I feel like I don't have time to do everything I need to do in a day. Human Bio. is kicking my ass to say the least. I'm border line failing FST, and English is just annoying. I have a big test tomorrow in Human Bio. and I haven't studied at all... go me.
I have noticed something really horrible developing about myself. I'm turning into one of those girls that I just HATE! I'm constantly gossiping about people, and talking behind their backs. It's disgusting! I'm trying to watch myself and what I say around people, because that's not cool at all. I hate it when people do that to me, so what gives me the right to do it to them?
The Career Center has been... amusing-- to a point. There's this kid from Webberville and he is one creepy kid. Last Friday he was staring mindlessly down my shirt, and constantly making sexual innuendos to me. Then when we were getting off he decided he was going to ram his little duffle bag thing into my butt. I mean comon... Once is an accident. Twice begins to get awkward. Three times or more, and this kid is a pervert. THEN! Crystal and Kyle were fighting at the door, so I couldn't get in, and this kid was behind me. Any reasonable (or non-retarded) person would have STOPPED behind me... not kept going untiiiiiiil they were practically molded up from behind me.
I panicked- to say the least.
I elbowed him so incredibley hard in the stomach, and basically ran in the door behind Scott (He's in my Health Occ class-- cool kid). Throughout the class I developed an anxiety attack and got a horrible migrane and almost passed out. It wouldn't have been such a big deal if this kid wasn't so huge! He's the size of my older brother, but squished. If he wasn't the kind of kid I would be afraid of raping me in a dark alley way when I'm walking home on a cold night, I would of just called him a bitch and hit him. But... I didn't want to get shot. I swear he is going to bring a gun to school.
There is an upside to this whole Career Center thing though. I find myslef infatuated with one of my fellow classmates. He really isn't my type to begin with... kinda... but he has got the most gorgeous eyes, and when he talks to me he holds my eyes and doesn't stare at my chest. I like talking to him, a lot. Now.. if only he was taller :[ still really cute though. He overheard what Crystal and I were saying about the Webberville kid, and kept telling me he and Nate would rough him up if he didn't leave us alone. I couldn't help but smile when he said that. Haha I can't help but smile now when I think about him. I can't NOT smile when I talk to him. It's embarassing. But he's so cute!! Ahh! Infatuation. I love it.
:]
I like being happy. I think it fits me.
Things are just going.
At the highschool I find myself completely stressed out mainly because I feel like I don't have time to do everything I need to do in a day. Human Bio. is kicking my ass to say the least. I'm border line failing FST, and English is just annoying. I have a big test tomorrow in Human Bio. and I haven't studied at all... go me.
I have noticed something really horrible developing about myself. I'm turning into one of those girls that I just HATE! I'm constantly gossiping about people, and talking behind their backs. It's disgusting! I'm trying to watch myself and what I say around people, because that's not cool at all. I hate it when people do that to me, so what gives me the right to do it to them?
The Career Center has been... amusing-- to a point. There's this kid from Webberville and he is one creepy kid. Last Friday he was staring mindlessly down my shirt, and constantly making sexual innuendos to me. Then when we were getting off he decided he was going to ram his little duffle bag thing into my butt. I mean comon... Once is an accident. Twice begins to get awkward. Three times or more, and this kid is a pervert. THEN! Crystal and Kyle were fighting at the door, so I couldn't get in, and this kid was behind me. Any reasonable (or non-retarded) person would have STOPPED behind me... not kept going untiiiiiiil they were practically molded up from behind me.
I panicked- to say the least.
I elbowed him so incredibley hard in the stomach, and basically ran in the door behind Scott (He's in my Health Occ class-- cool kid). Throughout the class I developed an anxiety attack and got a horrible migrane and almost passed out. It wouldn't have been such a big deal if this kid wasn't so huge! He's the size of my older brother, but squished. If he wasn't the kind of kid I would be afraid of raping me in a dark alley way when I'm walking home on a cold night, I would of just called him a bitch and hit him. But... I didn't want to get shot. I swear he is going to bring a gun to school.
There is an upside to this whole Career Center thing though. I find myslef infatuated with one of my fellow classmates. He really isn't my type to begin with... kinda... but he has got the most gorgeous eyes, and when he talks to me he holds my eyes and doesn't stare at my chest. I like talking to him, a lot. Now.. if only he was taller :[ still really cute though. He overheard what Crystal and I were saying about the Webberville kid, and kept telling me he and Nate would rough him up if he didn't leave us alone. I couldn't help but smile when he said that. Haha I can't help but smile now when I think about him. I can't NOT smile when I talk to him. It's embarassing. But he's so cute!! Ahh! Infatuation. I love it.
:]
I like being happy. I think it fits me.
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