No Smiles for Christmas

I don't think today could have gone any worse. It began this morning around 5 am, when my alarm went off for another early morning at clinical. It was a lot harder for me to get up this morning because, not only was I extremely exhausted, but I just did not want to go to clinical. I dragged myself out of bed, and got ready in time to leave at 5:45 so I could go pick up Brandi. We drove to the clinic and arrived around 6:15. Upon arriving, I realized I did not remember to grab my name tag off my desk at home. Shit. Without a name tag in the facility, I was not able to participate, and found myself sitting in my car. The black of my mascara had already begun streaming down my face as wave after wave of tears continued to hit me. Lucky me, I got to go to class instead, to face the classmates that already know I’m a failure.

I got home and walked in the door, running straight into my dad. “Happy Birthday…” I said, not even realizing how bad I actually looked. What a way to celebrate one’s birthday, eh? I changed, and dragged myself to school. I guess it didn’t really help that the entire way there I was hoping to find a patch of black ice and spin out of control, just so I didn’t have to go. When we got there, all anyone could do was stare. I was mortified. I felt like an idiot. Too bad when I got there I realized I had forgotten my skill book, meaning I couldn’t check off on any skills.

The rest of the day went by normal, since I had no choice but to be happy. It sucks when the serotonin in your brain has to be produced by a little pill, because your brain is too incompetent to do so itself. In the middle of my 4^th hour, I got a call from the place I applied for a job to yesterday. Got out in 5^th hour, and set up an interview with him. It went alright. I don’t think I got the job though, mainly because someone apparently thinks my day hasn’t been bad enough.

So here I am, sitting in my room avoiding the world—At least for another hour or so until Jessica gets off work and we can go out to dinner. I still don’t know what to get her for Christmas… or my brother, Eric, for that matter. Christmas really does suck. It sucks in the sense that it is no longer a family holiday—it’s a holiday for the spoiled and greedy. It’s the time of the year when one can ask for anything they want, and not look like a brat.

Merry Christmas… Here’s an empty bank account, a mild case of depression, a life changing decision, and a candy cane… Oh wait… I already ate that. My bad.

Ideal Mate Paper

This is my 'Ideal Mate' essay for Psychology. Felt the need to post it:

Throughout one's entire life, it seems as though they are constantly searching for that perfect soul mate. Does that perfect soul mate actually exist? I believe love doesn't just happen; love is something that has to be created and worked on. I do think it is wise to look for specific things in a mate, because Cinderella love does not happen.
In a mate I would look for someone who I can rely on. I have gone though many situations where that did not happen. I also need someone who is going to be trustworthy and honest. Being able to talk about all things is what makes the relationship stronger. I would also need a guy who is outgoing and open. I need someone who is going to laugh with me, instead of looking down his nose with a raised brow.
Another large factor in relationships is how both view the subject of religion. In an ideal situation, both people would practice the same religion, or no religion at all. In my case, my ideal mate would not practice a religion. I have never been interested, or believed, in religion. I feel as though in my life as it is now, I will make decisions on my own; I will not be told how to live my life, and what to believe in by a group of people who practice life from a book. If he were religious I would feel as though he would be preaching to me; looking down upon me and my sins.
I believe in a relationship there has to be some type of physical attraction. In my ideal mate, I would look for someone who is strong and handsome. Although in long lasting marriages, the female is older; I would like the guy to be older than me. I do request, though, that he be tall and have straight teeth. It has always just been a little requirement of mine.
Most times a divorce happens due to issues with money. I plan to get through college and hold a stable career. I think it is very important to be able to support one's self first. In an ideal mate I would look for someone who has career goals. It is very important to always want the best out of all things one would decide to do in his or her life.
Every girl dreams of her handsome prince charming at one point or another. Clitche is it not? I know I will never get a Cinderella dream, but there will be someone out there that will treat me right. Everyone has a soul mate somewhere, but it's up to them to decide if they want to work through the obstacles or not.

Taste of Life

The last year of high school really is quite stressful, when you have no idea what you're going to do once it's over. I'm on the fence, yet again, weighing my slim options. Journalism? Nursing? ...Journalism? ...Nursing? Ellie continues to inform me that I do not need to actually pick my major until my second year... but still. How did it end up like this? I was the one in my class that knew what I wanted to do before everyone else and now, six months before we graduate, I have absolutely no direction.

No money. No plan. No direction.

I told my parents I was thinking about going to Central Michigan University to study journalism. Mom told me it was my decision; a hidden look of disappointment was in her eyes. Dad basically flat out told me he didn't think it was a good idea. It's painful when your parents don't trust you to make an important decision about life. He wanted to have a "heart to heart" talk, which always consists of his own heart speaking. When I put in my heart, it's just "attitude."

Mom later told me it was because he doesn't want me moving away. I'm his little girl, and he wants me close by. Ellie told me he will eventually have to let go, just as her dad did. That makes me feel even worse.

Central Michigan for journalism?
Lansing Community College for nursing?
Michigan State University?

I wish I didn't have to pick.

--

Maybe light a candle
Don't say a prayer for me
Feel alone
Cause I'm gone
I left you
Make Christmas your own

Butterflies-in-the-stomach amazing.

It's already November; senior year is flying by. A lot has happened in the last month, more than I think is even possible to type in the next hour and a half. So let me hit the main parts:


I lost, what used to be, my best friend, which turned out to be a rather... abhorrent ordeal. I can't say that I'm completely over it, and that's probably the difference in the two of us. I sometimes think about it, and wonder if it was worth saving. I guess it's better off that we aren't friends, because one thing that she did say to me was slightly correct. I am... was unstable. I was unstable because when it came to her I always felt lowly. In the one and a million chance that she were to read this, I honestly don't know what her reaction would be. Who cares if she tells all her new friends my feelings. Like I even said to her: she was my best friend. I still care about her, and wish the best for her.


It seems that this generation gets to deal with all those once in a lifetime things. For example, little Billtown finally got hit with a tornado. In all the years this town has been here, not once has it been hit; always being mercy d. It destroyed our town, our park, and people's homes. Our power was out for 24 hours, and I played board games with my older brother and Ellie. How lame. I guess the only good thing was we got school off for two days.


Class of 2008 only has six more months until graduation. I was just informed this about two seconds ago in a text message, and I got butterflies in my stomach. I remember being so ready to graduate and get the hell out of there, but now when I think about it I get rather nervous. I'm afraid to leave my friends, what I know, the same people that have always been there, and things just being the same. The everyday drama doesn't seem so dramatic, and what we're going to do on a Friday night, doesn't seem like such an impossible decision. No more big group trick-or-treating, no more late night excursions to campus, and no more obnoxious Saturday nights when its all you can do to stop laughing. I'm going to miss it, all of it.


I don't think I'm quite ready to leave yet...

Ciao.

Dreaming..

Today after school Jessica and I went to the World Market, because she wanted some type of tea. We were walking around in there, and for some reason I was thinking we're shopping for our apartment. I got really excited over the fact that someday soon I will be able to do that, and it made me realize how ready I actually am to be done with high school. I can't wait to get a real job, and start college, and move out into an apartment with a new roommate, or even a close friend. Even though apartments cost money, as well as furniture and such, which is something I don't exactly have. It's a dream; a dream that I cannot wait until it comes true.

I'm going to be a damn good nurse.
I'm going to be a master baker, along side of my SISTAAH, Jessica, who will be an amazing chef.
We are going to open up our own restaurant one day, and it's going to be incredible.

What fun is it to live in a world where you can't dream up the things you want? I have my dreams, and I'm ready for them to come true.

Ciao.

Case of the Mondays

How is it that school always seems to have that upper hand in determining ones mood? Could it be that we're forced within the same walls for eight hours a day, five days a week? The fact that we get massive amounts of homework, that make it seem as though we should have never even left the building to begin with? Or that even the slightest mistake on our part automatically lowers our academic worth?

After a while it all just becomes too much.

I finally decided to update, even though now I really know that no one reads this. We're about 7 weeks into school, and I've already had my fill for the year. I have career center in the morning, and that was going really well for the first couple of weeks. I was elected the HOSA president for our class, and I was doing really well on all the tests and keeping up. Eventually the work began to pile up, and I was struggling to keep up. I failed my first test, and since then I am now one to be singled out, critiqued more than most, and treated as though I'm a 10 year old running around with a knife. I went from absolutely love the class, to dreading it every morning once again. It's like last year is playing out before me once again, only this time we don't even have the witch to cackle her two cents.

There was a boy. I was probably more interested in the idea of finally having a boyfriend, but the more I started to know him, the more I was not interested. At all. Sure he's a really nice guy... but he's TOO nice. He doesn't get what I'm saying, and he never knows what to say to me. Make me laugh! Argue back! Be a jerk sometimes! Is that so much to ask?

Ready for another long year...
--

There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present,
Nor for the future.
All I know is
That I'm here;
Don't know for how long.
I love the way
You live so intensely
Enjoy every minute of life
With space to swing
Your arms around
Laughing loudly

Unlike me

The past, the present,
And the future,
Are all side by side,
Hand in hand.
You move and change,
Yet you go nowhere:
Everything stays the same.
You stare at me,
And ask me questions,
Makes me nervous,
This room it keeps a constant tone
While I'm on a roller coaster

What a wonderful Sunday.

Got woken up at 11.
Went to get Panda with Matt.
Panda was closed...
Ate off brand Panda.
Figured out the lives of every person that passed.
Got home, and ran right back out the door.
Went to the wrong house to get Kerry.
Tried again.
Winner.
Drove to the game.
Pack muled everything in.
Shucked corn.
Had fun.
Hung out.
Flirted with #18.
Got a scolding glare from Tom for flirting.
Got a sunburn.
Game CONTINUED.
Extra innings.
More extra innings.
Got into a fight.
Decided to leave.
Drove home and almost got into an accident.
Ruined dinner out with my brother and mom.
Ruined the rest of the night.
Heard everything I missed.
Confidence anyone?
Put myself into a depressed hole.
Am currently sitting in a depressed hole.
Am going to CONTINUE sitting in a depressed hole.
Because I can.

After a long day I ended with:

Off brand Chinese food, a terrible sun burn, low confidence, an empty gas tank, tears, and a migraine.

Sounds like a glorious Sunday to me.

Ciao.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Hilary
Date: Aug 25, 2007 12:03 AM


I don't actually know if you go through your messages, or reply to all of them but I thought I would give it a try. I remember reading your article in Figure magazine, and thought, "Wow, she really DOES accept who she is." It amazes me, and practically everyday I find myself wishing I had the confidence you do. But, as things turn out... I don't. Have you ever felt like you were being overshadowed, or pushed to the background by your friends or family? I constantly feel like that, and I've found I bury myself into this hole. I'm TIRED of feeling like I'm worthless, and I'm TIRED of feeling like I'm never good enough. I HATE having such a high then dropping to an all time low. I know you've said you don't really know how you have the confidence you do, but I don't know, you're a big role model for me and I was just wondering if you've ever had this type of problem.

Thanks for being such a great person, and role model!

Hilary

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mia Tyler
Date: Aug 25, 2007 11:34 AM


Well, this has to start from within... You kind of need a reason... Like when I was younger and I was in a bad place, I thought of my little sister and how sad her face would be if anything bad happened to me. You need to find your reason, learn to let go and live your life the best you can. And screw what others think. If you feel like you are being pushed into the shadows by others then maybe its your confidence thats keeping you back. Why on earth would a beautiful girl like yourself feel un-important? You seem like you have so much to offer people. And if the people around you dont appreciate you then find new people who do!!!

--

She's my role model!

Ciao.

"Everything was so much easier when we didn't have a care in the world. Our only problems would be if there was enough cheese in the fridge to make nachos for lunch, or if we used it all up the day before."

Things are already starting to change, starting that transition from summer freedom back to educational solitude. I know this for the fact that I'm getting those phone calls, and those messages, from everyone in an attempt to hang out or get together. Guess I should start putting in a little bit of effort.

I went over to Brie's house last night, after we hung out the entire day, and spent the night there. I figured I haven't seen her basically all summer, and wanted to spend some time with her. It wasn't as though it was awkward or anything, but there was just something off. It wasn't how it always used to be; there was some type of unspoken question of thought on both of our minds. We ended up getting into one of those in depth conversations that last for hours, and you don't even realize that the time has passed so quickly. I found out a lot of things. Things that completely surprised me, and others that didn't in the slightest bit. But in the end every single one made me feel worse and worse about myself.

I keep feeling like I've put myself into this hole. I constantly feel terrible about myself, and keep running myself down. I've cried more now, than I have in my entire life. I don't know where it suddenly came from. I was fine. Or at least I thought I was.

Could I change one thing?
Could I change your mind?
Shall we burn it just like the last time?
I can't change a thing, can't explain why I never felt it
Not even the first time.

Ciao.

Making Memories

Have you ever just sat down, listened, and heard nothing before? I just did that right now. Today there is nothing going on. No where to be. No one to make happy. Today is my day to sit and think, and be as LAZY as I want to be.

I had my last day at work last Thursday, but I found I really didn't want it to end. We had formed a close group of friends in the short amount of time we worked there, and it was kind of hard leaving knowing I wasn't going to see them until possibly next year. I'm also glad it ended, not for the fact that now once again I have to find another job, but I get three weeks to myself, and to the friends I haven't seen over this entire summer break, and to focus on the last games of the season. It should be a good last three weeks, until my last year of high school.


SPEAKING OF MY LAST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL! I went and got my senior pictures done a week ago. I really wasn't looking forward to it, but my mom, Jess and I all went out to Khols and got some really cute outfits. We got there, and my photographer, Kendra, was a real sweetheart. We had a ton of fun shooting the pictures. I'm excited to see how they turned out, I really hope there were some good ones in there.

This year I know is going to be different. I know I say that every time a new year rolls around, but this time I can practically feel it. At the career center we are going to be doing on site training, and learning skills and such. I'm so excited about doing that, and that's what I can't wait to get back to. Plus I am going to be a Teen Volunteer at Sparrow Hospital! I signed up last April-ish and I got a call about a month ago. I went in for an interview yesterday afternoon, and NAILED IT! I signed up in Radiology, and I can't wait to start. I'm a little worried though, just because when I first start things my head always seems to be spinning out of control, and I can't retain the information that well. Things will work out though. They always seem to. I don't have a start date yet though, but I will be going in every Thursday. I feel like I'm just one step closer to that goal I'm trying to reach, and it makes me feel great.

Kerry and I are now members of the Lansing Lugnuts Booster Club! We signed up early August, and so far it's been a blast! We've met a lot of really great people, and always look forward to seeing them at all the games. We are slowly working our way into talking with some of the guys, but coming in this late in the season makes it a little hard (or that's my opinion about it). It's going to be sad when the season ends, not only because this has been a huge part of our lives this whole summer, but we won't get to see all the new friends we've made. We are really excited about starting next season, for the fact that we will be there from the beginning. The guys will be younger and closer to our age which will be a lot of fun for us. Plus in that one in a million chance that everything works out, we might have an apartment somewhere close to Downtown Lansing. Closer to the hospital for me, LCC for both of us, as well as the stadium. Think of the gas we will save!

We are currently the only two teenagers in the Booster Club, and you can tell by some of the things they do. There need to be some changes, and I don't know why none of them thought about some of the things I'm noticing need a change. Good thing I know the new president from when I was younger! It also helps that his wife likes us! We're totally in. :D

Alright well I guess I'm done now. So much for having nothing to do today, I have to go take food out to Will. Oh well. Haven't seen him in forever.

Oh and by the way... Did you know on the Monster energy drinks, they have the monster M on the tab? I never knew that! Just thought I would share that with you since I noticed it just now.

Get it. Done!

Things to do in the next three years:

-Finish senior year of HS
-Finish top of my class at Career Center
-Live to my 18th birthday
-Don't spend $2k given to me on 18th birthday
-Get as many scholarships as possible to LCC
-Get into Nursing program at LCC
-Move out... with friend AND/OR new roommate... ANYONE... JUST NOT HERE...
-Get a job at Sparrow Hospital while working on RN degree
-Finish RN degree in 3 years
-Live happily ever after...

Oh

-Find a man?

Sounds good to me.

RIP Julie

xxCrimsonEnvyxx THOSE THAT SPEAK WILL BE HEARD

xxCrimsonEnvyxx THOSE THAT KNOCK THE DOOR WILL BE OPENED

xxCrimsonEnvyxx THOSE THAT SEEK WILL FIND

xxCrimsonEnvyxx what

xxCrimsonEnvyxx rubbish

It's slightly ironic that on the same day I was dragged to church by my grandparents-- thinking it was the biggest crock of shit, ends up being the same day I prayed to the Lord walking home in tears.

A member of our neighborhood was taken and murdered this weekend. Leaving behind 3 baby girls.

Our neighborhood planned a candle lighting in her memory this evening; lighting the streets with their flames. The entire street came, and everyone lit their candles.

It was heart wrenching to see those three girls. My heart was breaking just hearing their sobs.

It's hard for them now, but it will only get worse before it gets better.

So on the way home, I prayed.

I said to Him:

Forgive me for what I said earlier.
Forgive me for my thoughts.
Please, help the family.
Give them the strength to get through this.

I'm seeking, please let me find.
I'm knocking, please open the door.
I'm speaking for once in my life, please let it be heard.


RIP Julie

Overload

Overload.

There is just too much going on, and I can't decide if it's too little time or too much time before it continues. Now we're just stuck here-- to wait-- to think. At first I thought this was a good idea, but now I'm not so sure.

What happens if they reject us? Then we would just look like morons.

Is it possible for anything to come out of this? Friendship? More? I hope so.

I'm actually afraid to go back and find out. The last time all I could remember was panicking. Even when I try to think back to it I feel that same type of panic.

I don't want them to get the wrong idea.

That's not what we're there for.

A week to think it over-- before I make a decision.

Thing's happen for a reason right?

I'm waiting to see my reason.

Ciao.

ps.. The thing's you're most afraid of are always the most worth while.

Friday the 13th

Have you ever felt like you just get shafted on everything, your whole life? That’s how I’m beginning to feel. In my job, at school, the things I do, the things I want to do. Shafted. Then there are always those people that seem to get everything they always wanted. The looks, the money, the people, the attention. How modest they always are when things seem to be going so well for them. Good for them, I guess.

So last night was common ground, and I woke up that morning not even the slightest big excited. Brie, Jessica and I were suppose to go see Buckcherry, Papa Roach, and Hinder. The Bad Ass rock tour– its first night. I had paid for all three tickets, and Brie paid me for hers but I told Jessica not to worry about hers because of the gym membership. In the beginning I was thinking it was going to be Brie to cause the first couple of problems, but it was me that wanted to smack a couple of bitches around. What a waste though, honestly. I find out Jess didn’t actually know who the bands were, and then she had the nerve to call my music shitty and bad. Well that’s good, because she some of her music from me in the first place. So I was pissy before we even left the house, and we stopped to see John before we went into Lansing. Waited around while she talked to him, and eventually got out of there.

Got to the Lansing center about an hour and a half before gates opened, and just hung out. We talked to the people around us and just had a good time. Rushed the stage and saw Beckie, Emily and Allie there. The Exies got up on stage and sounded good. Jessica eventually said she started to feel sick from the bass. ...? Ok. So she left us there to go watch The Who on the other stage. I got a text from her saying she was leaving to go get food, and she would be back to pick us up later. Whatever. Buckcherry came out, and they were amazing. Papa Roach came out and a mosh pit started. Brie and I were stuck in the middle of it. We practically got crushed. Hinder came out. They were also amazing. They threw their alcohol cups at us, and I got some on my lip haha and it was good. Show got over and everyone started to leave. I almost got into a fight with a security guard because he was being an asshole to me. Found Jessica after the 8 mile walk to the car. Went home.

Found out some stuff.
Felt disgusted.
Lied to.
Annoyed.

You would think after 3 or 4 years of being friends, she would realize I’m more than just a funny person. Not everything is a joke to me, and I thought HER of all people would know that. She thought I would just laugh at it because, “Well you’re Hilary!” That’s what hurt me the most.

I take things to heart too, you know. Things affect me more than anyone realizes, and I don’t forget either. I told her not to close me out, but I’d almost rather she did.

So much for Chicago with my big sister.

Ciao.

People Change

What makes somebody a good person?

I found myself asking that tonight when I met up with some old friends. It's amazing how quickly these people, you used to love to be around, change and turn into the kind of people you wouldn't like. I find myself turned away from the ones who cuss and swear a lot, and those that go out and get trashed everynight. Those that have sex, just because it's being offered to them even though they know it will ruin a friendship. I guess that makes me a bit of a hypocrite. Sure I cuss a lot, more than I would like, and I like to have an occasional drink. I don't really understand why you would use one of your friends just to satisfy one night of lust. One night stands are wrong in my opinion. People say sex isn't a big deal, but it is in my mind. Have some respect for yourself. I suppose it doesn't really mean much coming from the forever virgin. That's just me though.

I'm dressed all in blue
And I'm remembering you
And how you dressed that night
When you broke my heart
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around
So come around

It kind of makes me wish people never changed. I miss what we all used to have.

Time to grow up.


Ciao

Summer :]

HAPPY SUMMER TIME!

Topics:

1. My new job
2. Lugnut season
3. Summer plans!
4. Anything else I feel like typing.

So I started my new job this Monday, and so far I absolutely love it. I'm working in Holmes Hall on MSU campus, and it's pretty much the sweetest job I've ever had. They put me on room crew, and we go around and make sure the rooms are clean and have bedding and such for conferences. At first I was really nervous about going, mainly because I had to do the whole "Like me!" thing all over agian. It wasn't bad at all, which surpsied me the most. I've met a lot of awesome people, and the highschoolers really stick together. One thing that really bothers me is our supervisors have made the college kids into babysitters for all of us. Sure I understand we are a liability, but the college students are too. I guess it's because I've work a number of other jobs, and am used to being around older people. I don't need a 23 year old hovering over me, and wiping my nose. Just hand me the damn kleenex I can do it myself.

My crew is really awesome though. In the morning all the crews go to a room, and are told what to do by their crew leaders. Our crew always goes up to the 6th floor, in complete silence. I don't do well in silence, and being the awkward person I am have to try not to start laughing. All these people have gotten so comfortable with each other, that silence is a really big part of this job. I don't know how many times we've found ourselves sitting in the hallway in complete silence. ITS SO AWKWARD! But I'm getting used to it. Slowly.

--

Kerry and I have been going to most of the home Lugnut games. They're really entertaining, and we always look forward to going. Not only do we get to scream and be obnoxious, but we can harass practically anyone we want without getting attacked. Example: Rojo.

"ROOOOJOOOOOO! DID YOU KNOW YOUR NAME MEANS RED IN SPANISH?!"
"IT'S OVER ROJO! AND FOR THE RECORD! I ENDED IT!"

It's fun making all the people at the game, and even the players laugh.

BUT THIRSTY THURSDAYS are scary :[

--

This summer is going to be so sweet! On Sunday I'm going to Michigan Adventure with Kerry. Lots of Lugnut games. My sweet job, with a few attractive guys. Wisconsin in a week FOR a week.

--

That's about it. Kind of hard to type and listen to the game.

So..

HAPPY SUMMER EVERYONE!

Btw-- GO GET A JOB YOU LAZY BASTARDS.

Ciao :]

Not good enough for the truth.

Last night was the long awaited Birthuation-- and what a complete waste of time and energy that was. The original guest list was about 40 people, and would you like to know how many people actually showed up? 12. 12 people showed up. Some of which were brought by the actual invited people. Are you fricking kidding me? It was later I found out that majority of my "Friends" had bailed out on me for stupid reasons. "We went four wheeling," "We have a family thing (Even though I'm lying straight to your face and I don't want to show up because you made SHIRTS, for something that is yours and Kerry's to begin with, without us)," "I didn't know where you lived." Or the ones that showed up for a good ten minutes because they had their lover boys waiting for them.

Well fuck you guys. Seriously. It's really an eye opener to who my real friends aren't. Once highschool is over, you stupid fucking skanks, good ridence. Don't go about passing off the HPV and clap too quickly, and make sure your babie's daddies pay their child support on time each month because whoring can't support a family of 5.

What. A. Waste. Of. My. Time. Energy. And. LIFE!
--

Lately Kerry and I have been hittin' up the lugnuts games. It's been pretty sweet actually, and people are beginning to expect us there. There have been a few games though, where certain people have been trying to take my spot. Fags. Kerry and I made "<3 Poe" shirts, and are going to start wearing them to all the games we go to. Oh and the lugnuts have some pretty hot man meat! At least they don't look like little league players.

Kerry and Chris 4Lyfe. Haha.

--

Can't wait for Common Ground! Hinder! Buckcherry! And Papa Roach! It's gonna be sweet!

--

Ciao Bitches.

Unwell

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like Im headed for a breakdown
And I dont know why

But Im not crazy, Im just a little unwell
I know right now you cant tell
But stay awhile and maybe then youll see
A different side of me
Im not crazy, Im just a little impaired
I know right now you dont care
But soon enough youre gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

Im talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow Ive lost my mind

Once again I put myself out there and here I am again... crying over it. Well; not crying yet, but damn close.

I thought I was doing everything right.
I thought I might actually be worth someones time.
I thought I was told that they're missing out.

No one's missing out. Right when things start looking up, everything falls back into place:

I'm just the package deal... the one that takes up everybody's space and breathes all their air.

Happy Birthday.

The forecast reads: May BIRTHUATION!

Ok! Fine! I'll update!

Let me list everything that happened.

-Went to HOSA states. Nate and I killed our baby. :[
-Went to a lugnutz game with Kerry and Nikki.
*Johnny molested my eyes as he rubbed his ass
*Kerry became Poe's number one fan <-- t-shirts?
*We met a big guy in green, his friend 'Makeawish,' and a few others
*They thought we were 21. WRONG.
-Decided to actually start doing things in school
-Wasted my days on a crappy job
-Haven't had time to go to the gym
-Self esteem dropped a lot
-Got Leo to buy icecream
-Rode Will for the first time since the move, and almost died
*Almost killed the cause of the almost death
-Help put up poles for pastures at Jessica's house
-Began planning a Birthuation for Kerry and I
-Skipped school a lot
-Had Saturday school due to skippage
*Got donuts and coloring books with Brie
-Got my hair did. WEWT!
-Sat here trying to remember what I did since the 12th.

There ya go; my entire month of activities all neatly typed for your lovely eyes to read. Pretty sweet, yes?

--

So once again I find myself at the end of another suicidal person. How is it I always seem to be the one people go to for this? Do they not realize I'm not the best person to talk to about this? It makes me angry, mainly because they just sound so ridiculous and stupid when they try to make it sound like their life is probably the worst thing in the world. Get over it. Sure things get rough sometimes, and everyone has their moments but LISTEN to youself! YOU have the decision to either change your life piece by piece, which will take time, or sit and rot and just give up on everything. "Why bother?" Because you have people that care about you, and you're too stupid to realize that. What a waste, I think, to pull through for 20 years then to suddenly just call it quits. That's what I think is a loser; a failure. You're only a loser or a failure when you give up and give in. You have to fight for what you want out of life, but it's obvious he hasn't learned that yet. Nothing is handed to you-- where would be the fun in that?

--

My 17th birthday is in two days! YAAY! YAAYAYAYAYAAAY!! I will be able to drive after 12am WOOO! Even though my parents don't let me stay out that long anyway.. but.. WOO!

Kerry and I are planning a Birthuation-- a combination of my birthday and her graduation. So far we have about 40 people on the guest list, and we're trying to plan everything out. Planning parties is kind of hard, but I'm so excited for it. I really hope everything turns out well, and people have fun.

--

Ok. Sleep time I guess.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICOLE!

Ciao.

Bad Day.

"Bad Day"

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

I had a bad day, and I was singing this trying to feel better. It didn't work.

My family won't talk to me.
My dad thinks I do drugs.
School sucks.
My job sucks.
Being selfish sucks.
Being self conscious and jealous sucks.
AND I STILL WANT TO SEE FRANK >:[

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Sleeping always makes everything better. A fresh start for a new day. A very mundane new day.

How the anticipation is killing me already...

Ciao.

Why even bother anymore?

I hate how after a great day with one of my best friends, I let myself break down and turn into a wreck.

Today I spent the day with Frannie, and we had an awesome time! I didn't realize how much I missed what we used to have, until we finally started to talk like we used to. I actually was kind of worried we wouldn't have anything to talk about, and things would turn awkward. It never did though. It kind of surprised me, to be honest. But, like Ellie, everytime I hang out with her I seem to... lose... my money. :]

So the thought about selling Nightingale has been swirling through my head lately. God, how I don't want to sell her... She was my first horse, and I love her so much. I'm not happy with her being in St. Johns, and I don't like where she is. Sure other horses do fine there, but I don't think she does. I don't LIKE her being out there and although she is turning 18 TOMORROW she still has so much left in her.

Then the idea about selling Will came into my head. I don't even know what I was thinking when I bought him. Bottom line-- I'm an idiot. Everyone was right when they thought I wouldn't be able to train him. He's 6 years old and still can't canter with someone on his back. So what does that make me? A failure? Cause that's how I feel right now. A complete and utter FAILURE.

Way to go, Hilary. You screwed up what could-have-been a fantastic horse. Just another thing to add to the long list of failures.

What really hurt me was when I told Jessica my thoughts. All she said was, "Do what you want." Maybe that really was just as simple as that. But, I read into it far more than I probably should have.

I think I'm just going to throw in the towel. Why even bother anymore? I can't train a horse. If I joined a circuit, it would be a waste of money cause I wouldn't have a professional trainer-- So I would lose.

I just can't get over how much of a failure I am.



Pretty much worthless.

SB'07. Wasted.

Spring Break is finally here. F.I.N.A.L.L.Y.

So the Chicago trip fell through, I don't know if I already posted that before, and I'm disappointed about it. Big time. I was really looking forward to it and I can't help but be slightly angry about it because that was suppose to be the big SB'07 trip. Now I don't get one-- for the 11th year in a row. Now I'm stuck home working, and taking care of Frannie's horses because they're out of town due to family issues. Not only that, but there won't be any warm weather for the entire week. I just love Michigan. Ellie invited me to her condo in Grand Haven, but I doubt I'm going to go. Unless Frannie and her parents get home, and if I actually feel well enough to go-- since her parents think I'm a bad influence on their daughter.

I don't know why they're upset. It's not like she got Saturday School like Brie and I. At least we didn't rat her out.

Brie invited me up north to her grandparents house, but with it being cold I would actually have to socialize with her grandparents since it's too cold to swim. They hate me too. God. So much hate towards me. I always thought I was a nice person. It's not like I haven't been more than polite to them. Hags.

AND I DON'T WANT TO GO TO WORK FOR THE THIRD TIME TODAY >:[

Looks like I'm going to be catching up on my romantic novel reading, eh?

Hot steamy book porn; here I come.

Spring Time Fever.

Do I? Or don't I? How am I suppose to know? It's not like I'm experienced in this area. I don't know why he can be upset with me because I didn't know how to answer the question. It was just so out there and.... THERE!

I still can't help but think this is all a joke on me. He's toying with me because, yeah sure ok... I kinda like him. I keep trying to figure out if he's just dangling it on a rope infront of my face so at the last second he can take it away, or if it might be there? Haha.. good one... I don't know if I trust him. It's hard to trust what you don't know.

I want it to be real, but how am I suppose to know?

This weekend I was on top of the world.
This day I can barely breathe
as the water fills my lungs.

--

Today was a good day. Ellie, Brie and I decided it was too nice to go to school, inside, so we took it outside. Which first led us to breakfast, and then to the beach. We had a fabulous time, and I think it was the most fun I've had in a while. I'm really looking forward to Spring Break, and Summer. I love warm weather.

Ellie and Brie got introuble though. I feel really bad because I didn't.

At least we had fun. AND GOT SOME COLOR!

--

I got a pretty decent summer job which I am very excited for. I get $10 an hour to clean dorms. Matt laughed and told me to have fun picking up used condoms. I may just box one up and give it to him. WE'LL SEE WHO GETS THE LAST LAUGH!

Ciao.

Is this all just too good to be true?

I think I'm getting in over my head.

-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-

Ciao.

He made me do it.

So today I had a relatively good day, but then suddenly all within a few hours is seems like it has gone down hill. I really hate that. Bah.

Today we didn't have Career Center, which pretty much blew my mind to say the least. I gave Kyle a ride home, but before we actually made it back to our street I saw that Matt was working at Subway, so decided to stop in and buy a sandwich. Being me, of course, didn't actually check if I had any money to buy a sub. Oops. Matt let me have it for free though, but I hate when I do that because I don't want him to feel like I'm taking advantage of him. It was a really good sub though, BUT I ATE IT WITH GUILT! Emily, and Brad both came in during the time we were there (not together though) so that was fun.

I eventually got Kyle home, and then drove home myslef and did nothing. At all. I didn't even have to change into pajamas because I had gone to school in what I wore to bed last night. Hey! I figured, I only have a half day, fuck yall! At least I was comfortable...

Jessica called me later, in a complete panic. Apparently she had a check bounce, and MSU drained her accounts. I feel bad for her, but I really couldn't do much except just listen. I did give her $30 though, for the gym membership. That should help with a tiny bit.

We met up at the gym soon after I got a call that was,

"I'm on my way to the gym."

"I thought you were going to the bank?!"

"I already did. So now I'm going to the gym."

"BUT I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING LATER?!"

So I had fun running around trying to get my stuff together.

Got to the gym, eventually, and got my ASS KICKED! It's only been three weeks since I've been there, but it feels like I'm starting back at square one! We saw a couple of sekC guys there, but too bad they were hella short. Damn my tallness.

Now I'm just sitting at home, with my house full of people. Too many people. No privacy... Honestly...

I wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow morning.

Oops. I just wasted my one wish on something ghey.

Darn.

Ciao.

You mean, there really is a sun?

I was just wondering if today was Thursday, and it took me about 30 seconds to realize that it was. That's always a good sign.

This week has seemed to drag, but also seemed to speed by. Does that make sense? We only have a week and one day until Spring Break, and guess what I get to do?! What's that? Did you say 'nothing?' Well. You're WRONG! Jessica and I are planning a trip to Chicago for three or so days, and then after getting back from there I will be off to see my grandparents. Two slightly amazing trips all packed into one little week.

After Spring Break, Mrs. Williams, from the career center, will be making her return on her broom stick followed by her entourage of evil monkeys. She came in to visit one day this week, and it took most of our self control to keep our jaws from dropping. I guess it was going to happen eventually, though, I mean it's not like a broken leg doesn't not heal. It creeped most of us out when she first said, "I'm baaaccck!" An involuntary shutter of despair, and from the horrible screechy voice, ran down my spine. I hope they decide to get rid of her after her contract expires, in three months. Our class was planning on TPing her house, in the middle of the night. 1000 rolls. It would be like Christmas all over again.

So I keep getting this urge to write, and I made Jessica resend me the story I had began. It really isn't that bad, now that I started reading on it again. I just don't know where to pick up from where I left off. I want to post it on Fictionpress.com, but I'm afraid too.

Half day tomorrow. Lucky me :]

YAY FOR SPRING! It is official as of yesterday. I think someone told Mother Nature that, because it's almost 70 outside. AND THERE REALLY IS A SUN! Delicious.

Ciao.

What Is Your Role In A Relationship? (Male and Female, detailed results with Anime Pics!)

You are Insecure

You often find it hard to believe you are worthy of the love and attention given to you by your partner, and always worry he/she could do much better than you.

Your insecurity sometimes leads you to pushing people away, or holding on too tightly. Either way, your relationships often end in tears.

Maybe you had your heart broken in the past, or have a low self-esteem - whatever the reasons are, you struggle to see what other people see in you. Some people will find this frustrating, but there will be someone out there who will delight in telling you just how fab you really are until you start to believe it yourself.

Most compatible with: The Hopeless Romantic

The Romantic will never tire of telling you how much they love you, and you will never tire of hearing it! You need someone who will give you constant reassurance, who will be prepared to make grand romantic gestures whenever you are feeling particularly insecure and will stand by you if you push or pull on them. The Romantic will do all these things and some, always making sure you know that you are the only one they could ever want.

Least compatible with: The Free Spirit

The Free Spirit won't ever show you their affection in ways obvious enough for you. You would feel constantly on edge as they flitted from one place to the next, not really caring if you followed or not. They would give you enough of a taste to tempt you, but none of the follow through and security you desire.

Your song is: Let That Be Enough, Switchfoot


Take this quiz!








Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

They know me so well.

Hopeless Romantic...

How time has made me bitter.

Once upon a time there was a prince. He was a very charming lad, with silky dark locks that lay untidy before his eyes; piercing crystal eyes that always seemed to lock you into a melting stare, and the charm to send any woman swooning before his feet. He was a God; perfect in every way.

How lucky it would be to wake up to THAT every morning?

I wonder if every woman has her own 'Prince Charming' and if they look at him in the same, helpless way.

Prince Charming? Call me...

Ciao.

SUNNY AND WARM!

HAHAHAHA!

Today was my first full day back into the world.

AND I GOT PULLED OVER!

LMFAO!!

BY THE SAME COP THAT GOT ME LAST TIME HAHAHA!

He gave me a warning. But my insurance expired.

Lmfao.

DAMN! Now I have to go to the court tomorrow.

HAHAHA BUT I STILL FIND THIS ALL SO FUNNY!

It's 73 outside. Maybe that's why I'm in such a good mood.

Haha. NOW I'M GOING TO THE PARK WITH ELLIE!

Ciao!

Put me out of my misery.

Happy 200th post. It only took me about 2 years to get to it.. or 3.. I don't remember. But I finally made it.

So my overnight plauge it really starting to take its toll on me. I thought I had finally broken my fever, after it hit an all time high of 106 and I began hallucinating all though the night. It had gone back down to 98.6 yesterday, but I'm just not that lucky. My dog managed to plow open my door last night at 3 in the morning, and I got up to kick him out. Well, being the spoiled mutt that he is, he wouldn't move. So I eventually got him pushed out, closed and adjusted my door so he couldn't move it-- then blacked out. I fell and hit the wall pretty hard, and I think I was only out for a little bit. I heard mom coming down the hallway and she opened up my door when I was trying to get up. I finally grabbed onto the side of my desk and pulled myself up, only to black out again. At least this time I managed to land in bed before I face planted myself into the floor. Apparently my fever had sky rocketed again.

I was even starting to feel better too :[ I thought I might be able to leave the house today. Not the case. House arrest. It sucks. The first warm weekend in 5 months, and I'm STUCK IN THE HOUSE DYING! Dad got pissy with me this morning, like I'm trying to have people feel bad for me. Well I didn't ask for this. I don't want to PASS OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND BASH MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL. I want to be able to make myself something to eat without having to sit down every 30 seconds when my legs want to give out. Jerk.

At least Leo made french toast. Even though I couldn't eat a lot of it.

So now I guess it's time for me to fall back into my normal state of depression, because what else is there to do? Besides let the jealously of Jessica in Miami eat me alive.

Well.. Looks like a sappy romance novel day to me.

Ciao.

Fiesta anyone?!

I'm dying.

Mono. Bronchitis. Sinus infection.

Would you like to come to my fiesta funeral?

Free food.

Open bar.

Those awesome big hats.

The funeral of the year.

I expect to see you there.

Ciao.

MIGRANE.... BE GONE!

1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..

They say counting helps with your temper;

11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20..

I've got a migrane from everything swirling around in my head, and quite frankly-- it's annoying.

Our HOSA competition is tomorrow, and I have to be at the Career Center by 5:45 AM. How repulsive. Nate has never practiced his half of our 'skill' and I will be skimming by in CPR. Mine and CoCo's poster is not done, in my opinion, to be presenting. We don't have enough pictures because the space left was for the ones from the job shadow... But our job shadow had nothing to do with the job we originally picked.

Jessica is down in Miami, and ever since she went down there I've been getting these crazy emo text messages. I don't know if they are because she's been drinking or if being around Carranda really has that much of an affect on her self esteem. I feel kind of bad because I got pissy with her, and the thought of paradise being that depressing annoyed me even more. At least she gets to see the sun. I should probably send her a text to at least say I'm sorry. Fine. I will.

Fking. Migrane.

I'm in the middle of the break down.

Ciao.

Vacation, all I ever wanted.

Thank. God. It's. Friday.

This week was ridiculous, to say the least. It felt like everything was being crammed into my brain all at once, and it got too much to handle. At the Career Center we have regional competition next Tuesday, and we have to be there at 5:45 in the fawking AM. My two events are CPR and some writing event, which I know I'm going to blow. I've had two days to practice CPR, and my partner wasn't there today. He doesn't know his part at ALL which is going to suck because now we will get down there and make fools out of ourselves. No one knows what the hell is going on, not even the teachers! I'm not looking forward to it. I will just leave it at that.

I'm so overwhelmed. :[

I need a vacation. Somewhere warm that actually gets to see the sun once in a while.

Not just horrible white snow.

Ciao.

Btw-- Jessica, I'm mad jealous that you're in Miami. Hate you.

For Hannah A.

JUST LIKE I PROMISED: I'm dedicating it to Hannah A. Just because I pretty much love her.

Plus.. BSB Just seemed to fit the mood?

Backstreet Boys- As long as you love me

Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine
I'm leaving my life in your hands
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind
Risking it all in a glance
And how you got me blind is still a mystery
I can't get you out of my head
Don't care what is written in your history
As long as you're here with me

I don't care who you are
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you love me
Who you are
Where you're from
Don't care what you did
As long as you love me

Every little thing that you have said and done
Feels like it's deep within me
Doesn't really matter if you're on the run
It seems like we're meant to be

I don't care who you are
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you love me
Who you are
Where you're from
Don't care what you did
As long as you love me

I've tried to hide it so that no one knows
But I guess it shows
When you look into my eyes
What you did and where you are comin' from
I don't care, as long as you love me, baby.

I don't care who you are
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you love me
Who you are
Where you're from
Don't care what you did
As long as you love me

Who you are
Where you're from
Don't care what you did
As long as you love me

Blast from the past. BSB forever :]

I feel better already.

Ciao<3

Owie

Can we all say.....

A G O N Y ?


Look it up.


Ciao.

How do they make it smell so fresh?!

Once again I find myself sitting in this damn chair skipping school. What a rebel I've become, and to think how seriously I took school when I was a little freshman. But there is a slight exuse for the reason I'm skipping today, I swear!

So CoCo and I we're suppose to go on a job shadow of a Forensic Pathologist today (People that look at dead people btw) and I was really excited, but super nervous. I met her out front of the school at 9 and we drive to where the office is. We ended up getting there really early, 9:15, and our appointment wasn't actually until 10. So we decided to go for a Beaners run!

"Wow this coffee tastes really good for some reason today." - Me
"Maybe it tastes just a little bit better because we're going to see a DEAD BODY!" - CoCo

After the coffee run we went back only to find it was now, 9:30. CoCo realized she didn't have her camera so we had to drive BACK over to a 7/11 and buy a camera.

"I wonder if they would let me use the flash... or if everyone has sensitive eyes HAHA!"

Drove BACK to the office and decided just to go inside. We walk in and the whole way in I was wondering to myself if the office would smell like dead body. Then I began to wonder... What dead body smelled like? I began to regret drinking that coffee because my stomach started to turn horribly and I already thought I was going to be sick. How pathetic! I hadn't even seen anything yet!

We walk through the front door only to be met with a door and a key pad and the woman sitting at the front desk let us in. To my surprise it didn't really smell bad at all, so again my mind was thinking all these crazy thoughts like:

-Do they use a lot of air fresheners?
-If so, do they keep them by the bodies?
-Maybe they have so many plants to make it smell better.
-I wonder how much a year they spend buying air fresheners.
-Has that woman seen a dead body before?
-Is it possible to work here and NOT be crazy?
-Where did she get those shoes they're really cute (LOL)

Don't judge me. Lol :]

The woman told us that the guy had some kind of 'emergency' and had to cancel. How annoying, they could of at least called us to let us know. Granted... There really isn't anyone to call. BUT STILL! She offered for us to come back around 1 but I didn't really want to. So we took a card and told her we would just schedule another appointment. I was really disappointed, I had worked myself all up to see some horrible mutilated murder victim, and we left with a business card.

Boo. >:[

So I came home, and get to wait around until I have to go to work at 3. I thought about going to the gym for a workout but I don't have the gas, nor the motivation to move. My lovely cycle has started for the month and once again I get the joy of mothering a beach ball within my womb (AND THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M PREGNANT you stupid people. Like, J.R. :D jk).

I suppose I should go start on my obnoxious amount of homework I still have yet to finish.

Jaa Mata <3

I think it's love.....

I've finally decided... My Blog and I are now an item. That's right! We've been together for almost 2 years and 4 months. I think it's love.

I've become anti-social once again. SURPRISE! I blame the sickness, and the lack of care for what goes on around me. Oh well. What can ya do? :]

Wow, I am so bored it's unbelievable. The follies game against Lakewood "Beat the Wood" is tonight. I bet $10 we're going to lose, so "Beat the Hornets" just isn't as funny.

LALALA. There isn't anyone on Graal. There isn't anyone on AIM. I haven't looked to see if that damn Canadian was on MSN. But.. I'm lazy.

Hmm.. What else could I babel on about...

Aww :[ I have so much homework this weekend. I guess that's what I get for being sick for two days. Stupid Human Bio/FST/English/Career Center.

I love being a loser.

Back at square one.

<3 Hilary and Blogger Forever <3
(Because thats all I'm gonna get)

Be my Anti-Valentine?

Boo Valentines Day. The "holiday" solely based upon boyfriend and girlfriends and husbands and wives. Where everyone goes crazy if they don't get a gorgeous necklace or ring, and if they don't stuff their fat faces with more chocolate than a homeless man has ever seen. It's expected now in society that you should recieve a gift. It's almost like Christmas. Except... more depressing for single people (example: me).

Well, Valentines Day;

Fuck you.

Love,

Hilary.

Valentine's Day
Wish I had a sweetheart
It's Valentine's Day
Didn't even get a stinkin' card
It's Valentine's Day
I just have to say
I hate Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day
And I didn't get no chocolate
It's Valentine's Day
If I had a heart I'd hock it
It's Valentine's Day
All I have to say
I hate Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day
And I hope it finds you healthy
It's Valentine's Day
I just love to say

I hate fuckin' Valentine's Day

L.I.E.
Love is Evil.

Capital Adventures.

So things have gone from bad to good I guess. Last week I found myself in tears everyday and had had enough of just about everything. I took the ACT and got an 18 on it, and the score made me feel horrible about myself. Everyone around me was getting 20-30. Basically... I was the retarded one in the room. Then with tears in my eyes I hit black ice on the way home, and spun out my car. I almost hit two parked cars, and that's when I broke into a full out-hyperventilating- cry. Got home, and wanted to find the nearest gun and point it at my head.

It was around then that something happened between Jessica and I. I don't understand why she is being the way she is to me. What did I do to deserve you acting like a bitch to me? Maybe we just need to stop talking and hanging out so much. Not that we've actually really hung out together except going to the gym together-- which she started going to by herself. Whatever. She's going to Miami for Spring Break with Carranda. I always get that pang of jealously when she talks about Carranda. She sounds so much more fun than me. Figures. I'm 5 years younger than both of them, and it's right about now when I feel that being smashed into my face. I think I may call off our Chicago trip, if we're even still going. I'm over it.

So Ellie, Heidi and I are making a poster for the Michigan Mathematics Poster Competition. Our topic is: What action do you think the new 2008 President will take with the troops in Iraq? We made a survey and really wanted to pass it out to people at the Capital. Well, Ellie's mom used to work there, so she took us today. Heidi won't skip class, and that was annoying because all she had to do was call her mom. So Ellie and I went. We talked to our Senator, Gretchen Whitmer. She was really nice, and she took our survey. We even got a picture with her. Then we went over to where the State Reps. were. We saw our Rep, Barb Byrum, and she took our survey as well. We got a few others, and a lot from all the Legislature Aides. After an hour of walking around we made our way over to the Capital building. We got to watch the Reps. in session, and Barb Byrum even introduced us to everyone and we had to stand up. It was awkward. Really cool though.

It was an overall good day. I'm really hoping tomorrow will be a snow day. That would be sweet.

Jaa Mata.

WTF BRAD PITT?!

Jessica and I went to the Y this afternoon for our workout, and it didn't really go too well. It didn't really help that I was so bloated it felt like I had a beach ball crammed under my shirt all morning. We got there and it was packed, sadly. We never got to do our cardio because all the machines were taken, so we just skipped it and went to weights. Weights kicked my ass today, and I'm not quit sure why. My muscles were rather fatigued and my heart rate was going crazy. Not to mention I was on FIRE! I blame it on womanly problems, and I will hold to that.

After weights we decided to go swimming to maybe get in a little cardio. So we switched into our bathing suits (I can proudly say mine is beginning to look better and better everytime I put it on) and went out to the pool. Before we even got out the door I noticed some kid was waving at me. Huh? *DING* It was Rhone! GOOD GOD THERE'S RHONE AND HERE I AM IN MY BATHING SUIT! I think I can honestly say all the blood rushed to my head and I became a lovely shade of HOLY SHIT red. So I foolishly waved back attempting to cover myself with my towel and not slip and fall.

Note to self: Check pool for any attractive/semi-attractive men/boys before walking out like a hippo in a tankini.

We swam around and I think my self confidence levels dropped about 4 million levels (Remember.. I still feel like I have a beach ball under my suit). So what if I compare him slightly to Brad Pitt. IS IT MY FAULT THEY LOOK SIMILAR IN MY EYES?!

Next time I go swimming.. I'm wearing a garbage bag.

*cough*helookedreallyhotinaspeedothoughhahaha*cough*

OldBlueChair85 (5:00:13 PM): nut huggers...

LMAO!

Ja Mata.

Goodbye FLAB!

So another week has rolled around, and in a couple days will pass. How tedious it seems when you look at it in that perspective.

Really though, this week hasn't been too bad. On Saturday I hung out with Jessica, and I went with her to her Weight Watchers meeting. I thought it was pretty cool actually; an environment where you didn't have to worry about who was judging you because everyone was there for the same purpose. They give a pep talk and hang out "BRAVO" stars for people that accomplish small things towards a healthier life. Good for them, a little motivation can go a long way. I was tempted to say something to get myself a star, but I didn't have anything to share.

While we were waiting for the meeting to actually start I had the sudden urge to go swimming... Swimming lead to calling the YMCA in Haslett. Calling the YMCA led to gym membership fees. Well, I think you can guess what comes after that. So after driving back to Leslie to get Jessica's stuff, driving BACK to my house to get my stuff (and take 45 mins shaving my hairy man legs) we were off to the gym!

There was a REALLY hot guy at the front desk. His name was something like, Gaelon... But he called himself "G." He got us our cards, and got us all set up.

Good God am I out of shape. I will just leave it at that.

So we've worked out for the last four days, and today was our first day off because I had to go to work. Tomorrow it's back to the gym! Maybe the hottie lifeguard, Pat, will be there.

--

Funny story. So I was driving to work today and was slowing down to turn into the driveway but this guy behind me was NOT slowing down. So being good ol' smart me, pulled into the SLIPPERY ICY driveway.. and continued... to drive... into a bush. Yeah. I was pretty embarassed when it came to walking up to my boss's front door to ask him for help because I thought my car would be a good decoration to his shrubs. Dad and Leo ended up coming out to help push it out.

I was pretty mortified.

--

One thing that made me smile today: "That sucks, because you're really smart."

HAHA! IT MADE ME GLOW FOR HOURS!

--

JA MATA!

Overwhelmed x a billion

I figured it was about time to update again since my mind will soon explode with the mass amounts of nothing filling to the brim.

2007 has proved to be... horrible. Well, I guess I shouldn't really be blaming everything on the new time period. Most of it is my fault. No, all of it is my fault. I don't understand, I've turned into some crazy person that sits and watches box set DVDs of funny TV shows to make me laugh. Alright... So I've only resorted to that within the last week, BUT STILL! I've yet again pushed my friends away from me, and avoid talking to most people unless I have to. It always seems to get like this, is this how life is always going to go? Things will be going great for a while then, like a carpet being pulled out from underneath me, things turn for the worse. I guess it just comes down to one thing: I want to be happy. I want to be able to wake up in the morning, and look forward to each new day to spend time with my friends and family. Then that same quote I read only God knows where comes back to my head, "Happiness cannot be found, it just is." Right. If happiness just "is" why can't it just pull back around the corner and make another stop here at the Holland house? I'd greatly appriciate it.

So the whole barn issue is.. slighly resolved. We got the two horses out of there, Will to Jessica's, and Nightingale to Linda's. Will is doing well, he likes his new home. I miss Nightingale so much since I haven't seen her since the move. St. Johns is far from here, and we haven't had a chance to get out there. Now comes the big legal battle. Should be great.

I'm beginning to think my blog is losing its effect on me. Usually when I write all this out that feeling of being overwhelmed lessens, but today it hasn't. I think it might have actually risen. Great. Just what I needed. More for the crazy girl to think about.

Let them say I'm crazy.What do they know?

It's going to be a long year.

The Worst New Year I've Ever Known.

Happy New Year. It's already ready the second day into the new year, and already it is proving to be a horrible year.

Things were going great on the surface of it all (besides the fact I already got a speeding ticket). My new car is amazing, I finally got a blanket for Will, and I love my new job. It was just a taste of the good life. A taste of happiness. A taste of what could be, but apparently never will be.

I had spent Friday and Saturday with Ellie. We had fun, like we normally do. I always just feel like a replacement for her when Olivia isn't around. The, "Well Olivia can't come over so do you want to?" I hate that feeling. Then I found out she had invited Cassy and Olivia up to her Condo for new years. I think after she told me she was taking them she felt obligated to invite me. Or try to invite me. I'm so tired of not being good enough for people. I guess what we always joke about is right: I'm just the package deal and nothing more.

I woke up this morning knowing it just wasn't a good day. The last day of break, the day where I had to cram all the homework I hadn't done. I laid around with Brie this morning watching tv, and just hung out. Mom eventually got mad and made me get up so we could go out to the barn and clean stalls. First thing we noticed was Will had already ripped his new blanket, and things just went down hill from there. Gene came up and told us they had got an evicted notice. That's right, the inevitable closing of Silhouette Manor had finally come. They were originally suppose to close today, but there was no way to move everyone out that fast. We have till Sunday.

Within less than a half hour the decision was already made: we have to sell Nightingale. "Are you okay with that? Will you be able to handle it?" Do I have a choice? "Well you don't enjoy riding her anymore." Yes I do, I just couldn't because of her shoulder. We also have to find somewhere to take Will, not that we have money to board him anywhere. The two places we're looking at are Jessica's house, and Linda's house. Either way its half a tank of gas there and back, and they have no place to ride.

My life went crashing down within an hour, and all I can do is sit here and cry.

I guess I can say bye to my goal of showing him this summer.

Why can't things just be easy for once.
WHY CAN'T MY FAMILY HAVE A FUCKING BREAK?!

Fuck the world. Fuck God. FUCK LIFE.