My Confession

I don't know how I feel anymore. I'm beginning to think I am wearing a sign that says:

All those that want to be my friend are welcome. Only if, in the future you will have a breakdown, and threaten to kill yourself at the exact same time as all my other friends.

Please fill out an application, and I will get back to you.

Part of me just wants to say, "Well go ahead and end your fucking life now, because it will sure save me a lot of thinking time."

Jesus Fucking Christ! Why do all of my friends all at fucking once decide they want to become suicidal?! What the fuck am I suppose to do? How the fuck do you want me to help you, when you don't tell me anything? I'm sick of it! I don't want friends anymore! You play it off like your fine, but its pretty fucking obvious your not! GOD DAMNIT JUST FUCKING STOP! STOP STOP STOP! I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE! I CAN'T HEAR YOU SAY THINGS LIKE THAT AND NOT TELL ANYONE! I WON'T BE ABLE TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AFTER YOU'RE DEAD AND LIVE! I CAN'T HANDLE YOUR WEIGHT, HER WEIGHT, THEIR WEIGHT ON MY SHOULDERS! I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO HELP YOU ALL! I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T I CAN'T I CANNOT FUCKING HANDLE IT!

I CAN'T BE EVERYONES GUARDIAN ANGEL!

Happy early birthday to me..

Sinus infection- day 2

Go me, I skipped another day of school. Maybe having a sinus infection isn't so bad.

So I found one of my old stories yesterday, and I started reading it. It was the one based in midieval times, with knights and kings and all that. Then I sent it to Jessica, and apparently it "inspired" her to write her own. So she started one, similar to it. Then I started a new one. I really like how this one is turning out though, I think it is a lot more mature. Granted, its about two girls that disguise themselves as men to go to war to save their twin brothers. Mulan-ish, but not really. Because once they get found out, they are send to the kingdom they are at war with, to assassinate their king. It's going to be awesome. I'm debating on whether or not I want to put it onto Fiction Press or not.

Here's part from the first chapter-

“You even said it yourself, Avelina, I am more of a boy than our baby brothers.” Juliana replied softly, looking away from her sister.

“You know that is not what I meant--”

“Do not speak to me as though I am some senseless idiot, Avelina Ela. I choose to fight in the place of my brothers, in the place that my father once was, and I will do so, no matter what you say.” Juliana stood up, after giving Avelina one last heated gaze, and turned to leave.

“Wait--”

“I have nothing more to say to you Avelina--” Juliana said, not bothering to turn around.

“I will go with you.” Juliana’s feet came to an abrupt halt, and she turned around slowly to face her sister.

“What…?” Her voice came out raspy from the cold.

“I will go with you, Juliana Clare.” Avelina did not move from her spot on the grass but looked up, her eyes glazed over with unshed tears. “We shall go together.”

So like I said I really like how it's turning out :)

Well I'm going to take a nappy.

Ciao

Sinus Infection. Stress. And stage plays...

Sinus infections suck. I knew it was building up for the last few days, and it absolutley killed me today when I work up. I knew it was at its peak last night when the world around me began to spin, and I couldn't stand up for more than five minutes at a time.

I'm pissed because I have to write out 3 of the 6 scenes for our stageplay in english, because I stupidly offered to do it. I wrote out my entire 20th Century Film screenplay last night which took me over four hours. I'm stressed out, I can't see straight, my body shut its self down. Being sick sucks. Highschool sucks. Stage plays and screen plays suck too.

Well I'm going to go take some drowsy medicine :) so I can be in the middle of writing the stupid scenes and pass out.

Owie :(

Same Shit. Different Day.

Why is it always when you are happy and content with everything, your life has to turn upside down? Last weekend was perfect, and so far this entire week has sucked. Plus... it's only Wednesday. I still have two more days until the weekend. Bah!

So today I think I managed to embarass myself countless times without even trying to. Not just infront of a few people though, infront of entire groups. I'm really not going to get into it, but I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I have a project due tomorrow, and I havn't even started it. The movie Citizen Kane sucks. I have a head splitting migrane. I got home to find out my horse reacted to some shots she got, and one side of her neck is completley swollen. I have to go out and wash her down, and give her medicine. Still depressed because I feel like I'm unwanted. I still don't have an answer on whether or not I got into the Career Center. I failed a pop quiz in Preston's class. Someone stole, lliterally stole, our table at lunch for the SECOND day. Mom is extra crabby, while dad is being a complete asshole.

I QUIT.

I QUIT.

I QUIT.

I QUIT!

Alright. I think I got all of that out of my system. So on a lighter note! Will got ridden for the first time yesterday! Vince said he would help us for a while, so we used his saddle and I longed him first. When Vince went to get up on him in the beginning, he caught Will off guard and so he kind of jumed around. The second try was good, he walked him, and trotted him a little, then got off. He's a little unsure of weight on his back, so he got tense and ended up sweating like a maniac. He was really good though!

My Moose :)

Cranky Nightingale <3

:) I have a lot of time on my hands

THE BEST SURVEY EVER... NO MORE BORING QUESTIONS!
The boring questions...
What’s your name?: Hilary
How old are you?: 15
Your home town..?: Williamston
Where you live right now?: Williamston
Who do you live with?: The parentals and the el brothero
How many friends do you have?: Haha 0.

Have you ever...
Wanted to die: Yes
Made s’mores: WHO HASNT!?
Cheated on a test: Muahaha..
Wished upon a star: Of course
Prank called: Is your refridgerator running?
Used up 10 bottles of silly string: Not 10..
Cried in front of your crush or boyfriend/girlfriend: Hmm. No.
Missed someone so much your heart hurt: Yessum
Beaten someone up: DIE ERIC!
Been beaten up: Eric hits hard :(
Won an award: Of course
Kissed someone in the rain: How romantic. Not.
Kissed someone in the snow: NAKED AHAHA. no.
Kissed someone while playing truth or dare, 7 minutes in heaven, etc: Okay. We are done with the kissing questions
Been hit my lightning: LOL yes. I have.
Almost drowned: Nay
Bought a lava lamp: Who the fuck BUYS them? steal them from garage sales.

Your love life...
Are you single, in a relationship, married etc: Single. SURPRISE
Are you straight, bi, homosexual etc: STRAIGHT!
If your taken, what is their name?: Jared Nightingale *fans self*
If you're single do you have someone in mind?: Hormones are evil.
Who?: LIKE I WOULD TELL!
Are you IN love: Sadly. No.
Have you ever been in love: No.
Do you love someone: I love my horsies xD
How far have you gone, first, second, third, home plate: I sit next to Hannah on the bench =D

Random questions...
So, do you own a cell phone?: Yessum
An iPod: Who doesnt?
Do you have AIM or any other instant messenger?: AIM, Yahoo, MSN
If so, what’s your screen name?: AIM- xxCrimsonEnvyxx
Do you have a MySpace?: Yes
Livejournal?: Yes
Xanga?: nay
Any of those other journal things?: BLOGGER!
What’s your favorite restaurant?: Don't really have one
Favorite food?: MEXICAN!
Favorite drink: Chocolate Milk <3
How many closets do you have in your room?: uno
How about in your house?: four
Is your phone ringing right now?: Uhm... no...
What time is it right now?: 7:17
What kind of computer do you own?: A shitty one
Do you like cheese?: har har
What’s your favorite kind of cheese?: i like spicy cheese
What are you listening to right now?: "My Confession" by Josh Groban
Are you eating anything?: Taco.

When was the last time you...
Burped: Just now! w00t!
Laughed: In the kitchen when mom was making fun of me
Showered: Last night
Vacuumed: *shrugs*
Went to school: Today *sigh*
Cried: Last week
Turned on a light: When I walked in here
Threw something away: I CLEANED OUT MY BACKPACK WOOT!
Did the dishes: Yesterday
Did the laundry?: Yesterday
Talked on the phone and who with: YEsterday, with Jessica
Flunked a test: Last week xD
Aced a test: Years ago.
Broke something: Uhm.. Saturday
Lost a tooth: forever ago
Went swimming: Last year
Went on a date: *sigh* Next.
Ate something: Like 2 seconds ago

This or that...
Powerade or Gatorade: Gatorade
Sushi or chicken: Chicken
IM or TV: IM
MP3 or radio: It depends O.o
Going on a date, or hanging out with your friends: Being anti-social
Yahoo or hotmail: Yahoo
1% or 2% milk?: 1/2%!
South Park or The Simpsons: South Park
Mary-Kate or Ashley (HA): Ewie neither
BSB or N*sync? (HA): BSB ALL THE WAY BITCHES!
Dog or cat: Horse
French fries or potato chips: French fries
Cola soft drinks or lemon-lime soft drinks: Dr. Pepper
Panera or Frishes: wtf is frishes?
Eating out or in: Out
Crayons or colored pencils: CRAYONSS!!
Mondays or Sundays: Sundays
Saturdays or Fridays: Fridays
Summer or fall: Fall
Spring or winter: Spring
TV or reading: Reading

Ultimate Opposite Sex Survey (for girls) --
Your Favorite--
Hair Color: Brown/black/dark
Eye Color: Green, blue
(Their)Music Genre Preference: Hard rock, metal, but will listen to country when im in the mood
Height(estimate): 6'0" THEY HAVE! TO BE TALLER THAN ME
Age: Older than me so 16 +
Personality Type: Fun, outgoing, sweet, mysterious/dark ;)
--This or That--
Older or Younger: Older <3
Romantic or Horndog: Romance all the way
Smart or Stupid: Smart
Fat or Skinny: I like them thicker
Punk or Preppy: Punk
The Big Picture or the Little Things: The teensy things
Flowers/Candy or Big Expensive Present: A hug and a cute smile
Mixtape or Burned CD: CD
Love or Lust: Both
Emotional or Just Not: Mix...they’re both such extremes alone
Sincere or Jokester: Both
Hott and mean or Ugly and sweet: hot and sweet
Sexy or Just Cute: Cute
Arse or Abs: Ehh abs
Hair or Hands: Hands haha my fetish
Dimples or Eyes: Dimples are cute, but im a eye gal
Biceps or Calves/Thighs: Biceps ^^
Teeth or Nose(some people are just weird): omg both
Clean Shaven or Scruffy: Both ^^
Rugged or Prim and Proper: Rugged
Countryboy or Cityboy: ACCENT! OMG OMG OMG *melts*
Date alone or With Friends: Alone
Mama's Boy or Rebel Without A Cause: Rebel all the way

--Have You Ever--
Dumped a guy because he liked you too much: No
Loved a guy because he stalked you: No
Loved a guy because he hated you: No
Asked your friend's crush out: No
Lead a guy on for kicks: If I did, it was purely unintentional
Asked a guy out purely because he was hot: No... that’s so shallow
Flirted with guys even though you had a boyfriend: No
Lied about not having a boyfriend: No
Lied about having one: No
Cheated: No
Been Cheated on: No...
Had a crush on a gay guy: No...but they’re so much fun to talk to

--Their Clothing(yes/no)--
Boxers?: Yes
Briefs?: Yes
Hat?: sometimes
Skater Shoes?: If he must
Pimp Shoes?: No
Band Shirts?: Yes
Vintage shirts?: Yes
South Pole/other thug clothes..?: No
Dixie Outfitters/Big Johnsons?: No
Independent/DC?: Yes
Jeans or Shorts?: Jeans

--Be Honest--
Would you ever date a guy for his money?: probably... thats so shallow i know
Would you ever date a guy for his social status?: absolutley not
Have you ever liked hanging out with your bf's friends more than him?: No
Have you ever pretended to like somebody to make them feel better?: No
Have you called a girl a whore, when you were screwing lots of guys?: No
Do looks matter?: No
Are you honestly scared of being dumped?: yes
Do you avoid 'situations' with ugly guys?: No
Are you ashamed to be seen with your ugly friends?: No
Do you hide things from your crushes/guy friends/bf?: I hide things from everybody
Do you lie about masturbation for attention or false innocence?: No
Do you really want a guy to say if those jeans make your butt look fat?: If I ask, I want an honest answer...but I usually do not ask if my butt looks fat
Are you disappointed when your bf doesn't say I love you right away?: No, I only ever want to hear that from one guy in my life, if that.
Wanna be a virgin till marriage?: not really
Do you really love the guys every time that you say it?: Well, if I ever decide to say it, I will certainly mean it
Do you dream about your crushes/bfs/guy friends?: Sometimes
Would you make out with a guy friend just to get it over with/curiosity?: No


Random Thoughts For A Troubled Youth
Name a song from your childhood: Lucky - Britney Spears
What outfit would you wear for the rest of your life?: Jeans and my black hoodie
Redheads, brunettes, or blondes?: Blondes!!
Best advice ever given: I give a lot of good advice
Last movie that made you cry: The notebook!
Last song that made you cry: Hello Lonely
Last person to make you cry: Secret.
What brightens up your day?: Going out to the barn
Biggest pet peeve?: The sloshy sound when someone chews
Totally in love with someone? Uh, no.
Do they know? ^^
If no, would you ever tell them?^^^
Worst trend?: WTF IS WITH THE LEG WARMERS! EW!
What city do you hate the most?: Dunno
Favorite solo artist?: Josh Groban
Favorite band?: Theory of a deadman
Band/artist that you love but wouldn't tell anyone: Uhm.. I still like BSB xD
What was your last dream about?: I don't remember... by Kerry was in it
How many pairs of shoes do you own? a few
Which is your favorite?: SANDALS!
Would you date someone on personality alone?: Yes
Would you date someone on looks alone?: No
Biggest obsession?: Romance stories
Do you do any activities that none of your friends do?: dunno
If yes, what is it?: Whoring. lol jk
City life or country life?: counrty
Ford or chevy?: FORD <3
Would you ever kill someone?: Yes
Ever met someone over the internet?: Yes, friends of friends
When was the last time you rode a bike?: Uhh last summer?
What is your dream car?: F650 Black Ford Truck
Dream house?: The big blue one on North Zimmer, with the barn :)
Are you keeping a secret right now?: Yes, several.
Favorite place to travel to: Up North ^^
Do you like Bob Dylan?: Who?
Favorite material possession: I dunno
Favorite non-material possession: My horses
Would you date a good friend?: If I liked them
Would you date a total stranger?: sure why not?
Simpsons or Futurama?: Futurama
What news channel do you watch?: Er.. none?
Favorite drink: CHOCOLATE MILK!
Organized or a mess?: Both at times
Something weird about your hometown: ITS FILLED WITH WIGGERS!
Something nobody knows about you: I read steamy romance novels ^_~ Haha Emily knows that
Religion?: dont have one
Turn ons?: Individuality, personality, intelligence, sense of humor
Turn offs?: Laziness, shallowness, egotistical bastards
Driver or passengers seat?: DRIVER!
What song do you want playing at your funeral?: "Hello Lonely" by Theory of a Deadman. I adore it.

Hi. I'm Hilary...

BAAH! I DON'T WANT TO BE SINGLE ANYMORE!

I think I might be the only female in our High School that has yet to have a boyfriend. I BET EVEN MISTY POTTER HAS HAD ONE! I'm going to be untouched forever.

Hi. I'm Hilary. I like long walks on the beach when the sun is beginning to set. I like books, movies, video games, and most other things. I have been single forever. I don't do well in awkward situations and tend to avoid them. I don't normally let guys get close to me, granted they try to stay away. I'm friendly and outgoing, but apparently a little intimidating because I am 5'11"... and loud. But don't worry. I only bite when I'm on my period. Which is far too often. Call me. ;)

Fuck it all.

Bad day.

Surprise! Dad's already coming home from New Orleans. Absolutley fucking fantastic (insert sarcasm here). He is on his way home, and he wasn't even down there for a week. I know I should be sitting here typing about how excited I am that my dad is coming home, but I'm not going to lie. I don't want him to come home yet. Life at home is so much easier without him here.

I don't have constant headaches from the smoke.
I don't have to listen to him bitch.
I don't have to help him on the computer.
I don't have to clean up after him when I get home from school.
I don't have to pretend to be listening when he talks to me.

I know it sounds all so selfish, but that's how I feel.

And on top of it all. I started my period today. WONDERFUL! So now I get to drown myself in chocolate milk for the next week. Just what I need, huh? More fucking calories.

Fuck.

Haha.. Conflict SEEKING

I saw this in Katies blog, so I did it too :)

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I just now decided to never let myself go this long without sleep because I think too much. I suddenly just got very self conscious about myself. Guess what? I'm just that one girl that hangs out with the gorgeous girl. No one really knows who I am, I just kind of tag along. What makes her so pretty, and not me? Do I need to be a size 6 to be "gorgeous?" I hate when I feel like this because I feel worthless, I'm just not worth anyone's time. An ugly object that takes up space, and breaths everyone elses air.

I'm just the ugly funny girl. And that's it.

Me want yummy security guard.

Spring break is here! Yay!

So today was fun, my grandparents came down to visit for my moms birthday. We hung out at the house and talked for a while, which means I'm sitting here after getting ready two hours ago listening to everyone. Then we went to the Brookshire and grabbed lunch/dinner. Then we took them out to the barn so they could see Will. That was basically it, came home and ate cake. They just left about a half hour ago, and things are once again boring.

The concert was fantastic! They picked me up from school and Jess had to find a shirt to wear to the concert, so we ended up at Kohls. Walked around there for a while then came to my house so I could change, then drove to Jess's house. Blah blah blah went to Meghan's dorm it smelled like period blah blah blah went out to Chili's to eat. Saw McBride there, then my mom showed up there with her friends from work. Blah blah got to the concert. Walked down to our seats, in the FRONT ROW, and sat down. There were these 4 fucking crazy women sitting next to us. Lucky me got to sit right next to the worst one.

But it got better ;)

So some security guards were taking their spots and right infront of us was the most gorgeous guy in the world! All three of us were sitting there practically drooling over him. Jess and I were flirting with him like crazy, and every time the crazy woman next to me would run into me I would look at him like 'help' and he would laugh and smile. So cute. Big & Rich was amazing, we all got to shake John Rich's hand, and I got to touch Big Kenny's. At the end John broke his guitar and gave it to Jessica. Gretchen (sp?) Wilson was alright, I'm not a huge fan of hers.

So yeah, it's been an awesome spring break so far! I will post up the pictures when I get them.

Ciao