Why even bother anymore?

I hate how after a great day with one of my best friends, I let myself break down and turn into a wreck.

Today I spent the day with Frannie, and we had an awesome time! I didn't realize how much I missed what we used to have, until we finally started to talk like we used to. I actually was kind of worried we wouldn't have anything to talk about, and things would turn awkward. It never did though. It kind of surprised me, to be honest. But, like Ellie, everytime I hang out with her I seem to... lose... my money. :]

So the thought about selling Nightingale has been swirling through my head lately. God, how I don't want to sell her... She was my first horse, and I love her so much. I'm not happy with her being in St. Johns, and I don't like where she is. Sure other horses do fine there, but I don't think she does. I don't LIKE her being out there and although she is turning 18 TOMORROW she still has so much left in her.

Then the idea about selling Will came into my head. I don't even know what I was thinking when I bought him. Bottom line-- I'm an idiot. Everyone was right when they thought I wouldn't be able to train him. He's 6 years old and still can't canter with someone on his back. So what does that make me? A failure? Cause that's how I feel right now. A complete and utter FAILURE.

Way to go, Hilary. You screwed up what could-have-been a fantastic horse. Just another thing to add to the long list of failures.

What really hurt me was when I told Jessica my thoughts. All she said was, "Do what you want." Maybe that really was just as simple as that. But, I read into it far more than I probably should have.

I think I'm just going to throw in the towel. Why even bother anymore? I can't train a horse. If I joined a circuit, it would be a waste of money cause I wouldn't have a professional trainer-- So I would lose.

I just can't get over how much of a failure I am.



Pretty much worthless.